Portfolio

Soap

My wife says she’s divorc­ing me because of my obses­sion with tele­vi­sion dra­mas. But will she leave? Find out next week.

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Of the earth

Doc­tor said I’m at risk of a heart attack due to high sodi­um intake. I took what he said with a grain of salt.

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Obstacles

If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tun­nel, then on to a lit­tle see­saw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that. (h/t Mil­ton Jones)

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Cross that bridge

I’ve just been on a once-in-a-life­­­time hol­i­day. I’ll tell you what, nev­er again. (h/t Tim Vine)

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One ringy dingy

When a Jehovah’s Wit­ness dies, does Heav­en turn out the lights and pre­tend nobody’s home?

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Saw through that one

The Invis­i­ble Man mar­ried an invis­i­ble woman. The kids were noth­ing to look at either.

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Splitsville

I said to the gym instruc­tor, “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flex­i­ble are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tues­days.” (h/t Tim Vine)

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Salty

I’m so old, I remem­ber when the Dead Sea was just sick.

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Bye son

Know what you call a very tall buf­fa­lo? Buffahigh.

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Dialog

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said “Ana­logue?” I said “No, just a watch.” (h/t Tim Vine)

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Forget I said that

If alco­hol can dam­age your short term mem­o­ry, imag­ine the dam­age alco­hol can do.

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Topper

I’m enter­ing the worlds tight­est hat com­pe­ti­tion. Just hope I can pull it off. (h/t Tim Vine)

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In morning

Red sky at night: sailor’s delight. Blue sky at night: day. (h/t Tom Parry)

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Stall & crawl

I hate sit­ting in traf­fic, because I always get run over. (h/t Mil­ton Jones)

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Boy’s a boy

I have two boys, 8 and 9. We’re no good at nam­ing things in our house. (h/t Ed Byrne)

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Brown furniture

My dad always used to say “Out with the old, in with the new.” Love­ly man, ter­ri­ble antiques dealer.

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All rise

What did the rev­o­lu­tion­ary bread tell the oth­er breads? “We have to rise up, my breadren!”

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Clear runway niner

What do you call a paper air­plane that doesn’t fly? Stationery.

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Over there

Couldn’t under­stand why my dog was total­ly motion­less… Then I real­ized, it was on paws.

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Just in kase

What is made of cheese and found in Scot­land? The Loch Ness Muenster.

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Open wide

Den­tists always ask dumb ques­tions like “When’s the last time you flossed?” Like bro, you were there!

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Great Scott

I thought I saw Michael J. Fox at my local gar­den cen­ter. I’m not sure if it was him, though, as he had his back to the fuchsias.

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Boxing day

My biggest tal­ent is always being able to tell what’s in a wrapped present. It’s a gift.

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Musta been from Jersey

Did you hear about the mechan­ic who fell asleep under the car? He woke up oily in the morning.

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Walking away with it

I once entered the world klep­to­ma­ni­ac cham­pi­onships. I took gold, sil­ver, and bronze.

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Mnemonic

Keanu Reeves and I are good friends. Just not with each other.

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Not in Oxford any more

Jeff, a semi­colon, and an Oxford com­ma walk into a bar. They both have a great time.

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Pinball wizard

The Lord of the Rings offi­cial pin­ball machine doesn’t take quar­ters. Only Tolkiens.

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Cow’s on first

–”Hey, look at that flock of cows!” —”Herd.” –”What?” —”Herd of cows.” –”Of course I’ve heard of cows, there’s a flock of them right there!”

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Wears a red jacket too

Know what you call a defi­ant kid who doesn’t believe in Saint Nick? Rebel with­out a Claus.

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Three L llama

Thought I heard some­one say “Hel­lo” in Ara­bic. But it was a false Salaam.

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Repaint, and thin no more

I went to the paint store to get thin­ner. It didn’t work.

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& no cookie for you

Chi­nese take out: 8 dol­lars. Tip: 1 dol­lar. Get­ting home to find out they for­got part of your order: Riceless.

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Ronald Coleman eyes

I don’t hold grudges. My dad held grudges… I hat­ed him for that.

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Contagious couple

Sam and Ella walk into a bar. The bar gets shut down by the health department.

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Nature by numbers

This year’s Fibonac­ci Con­ven­tion was a great suc­cess. It was as big as the last two combined.

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Sinking feeling

I don’t think Marine Biol­o­gy is the right major for me. My grades are below C‑level.

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Double blind

My wife asked me if I exper­i­ment­ed with sex and drugs when I was in high school. I said, “Yes, but I was part of the con­trol group.”

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Batteries not included

What’s Elon Musk’s least favorite coun­try? Madeagascar.

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Shivering timbers

How do pirates get rid of their sur­plus booty? Yarrrrdsale.

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Able was I

I have a friend with no social skills and a Ph.D in the his­to­ry of palin­dromes. I call him Dr. Awkward.

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Concensus

I’m done being a peo­ple pleas­er. If everyone’s OK with that.

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Julia set

My wife insist­ed on whisk­ing flour into the melt­ed but­ter. I told her she would roux the day.

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Iz what it iz

Loud laugh­ing is not per­mit­ted in Hawaii. Just a low ha.

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Crumbles

Why did the cook­ie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long.

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See Russia from here

What do you call a native Alaskan eye doc­tor? An opti­cal Aleutian.

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Ferrous

The adjec­tive for met­al is metal­lic. But not so for iron… which is ironic.

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Base five

Why can’t you take inven­to­ry in Afghanistan? Because of the tal­ly ban.

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Stock in trade

I’ve got a friend who reck­ons he can make high cui­sine out of stock cubes. What an Oxo moron.

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Scoot

What do you call a laugh­ing motor­bike? Yamahahaha.

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Not mine either

Know what cheese can nev­er be yours? Nacho cheese.

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Marriage in bloom

My wife’s mad at me because she said I nev­er buy her flow­ers. I hon­est­ly didn’t even know she sold flowers.

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Up to something

I told my builder not to car­pet my steps. He gave me a blank stair.

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Milagros

I ordered some stuff online yes­ter­day and used my Donor Card instead of my Deb­it Card. Cost me an arm and a leg.

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Making a difference

The next song is all about sub­trac­tion… Take it away, boys.

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Trigger

I told my ther­a­pist that no one under­stands me. She said, “What do you mean by that?”

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Deep

Aquar­i­um own­ers nev­er snitch. They’re good at keep­ing sea crits.

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Winner

Know what you win if you don’t move a sin­gle mus­cle all week? A trophy.

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l’informatique

How do two French guys share files elec­tron­i­cal­ly? Pierre to Pierre network.

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Numb and number

What do you call a cal­cu­la­tor that works instant­ly? Calcunow.

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Out to get you

I asked the librar­i­an if they had any books about para­noia. She whis­pered, “They’re right behind you…”

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Gehundheit

My dog start­ed gnaw­ing on some­thing and imme­di­ate­ly had a sneez­ing fit. That’s the last time I buy him achoo toy.

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Things change Jerry

I mar­ried my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she’s been giv­ing me lately.

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Go lieth down

I have start­ed car­ry­ing a stone with me to throw at peo­ple who sing Christ­mas songs before Thanks­giv­ing. It’s my jin­gle bell rock.

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D’idiot

Jus­tine was 4 months preg­nant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up 6 months lat­er. First thing, she asked the doc­tor about her baby. Doc­tor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They’re both fine. And, your broth­er named them for you. Jus­tine: No, no, no, not my broth­er! He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doc­tor: Denise. Jus­tine: Ohh, that’s actu­al­ly not bad. What about the boy? Doc­tor: [sighs deeply] Denephew.

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Bonkistry

Want to hear a joke about sodi­um, bromine, and oxy­gen? NaBrO.

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Special delivery

Small­er babies get deliv­ered by the stork. Big­ger babies need a crane.

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Just wrong

You shouldn’t kill chick­peas. It’s hummuside.

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So you’re guanaco?

My wife is leav­ing because she’s fed up with my South Amer­i­can ani­mal puns. “OK,” I said, “Alpaca your bags.”

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Hiyaaa

Know what you call a large, flight­less bird that fights? Taekwon-dodo.

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Understory

I have a pet tree. It’s like a pet dog, but the bark is quieter.

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Emoting all the way

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floor­boards? He was just going through a stage.

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For victory

When geese fly in a V for­ma­tion, one side is always longer than the oth­er. Do you know why that is? There are more birds on that side.

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Runnin’ up that hill

Wel­come to Plas­tic Surgery Anony­mous. Nice to see so many new faces here today.

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Damp down

Con­den­sa­tion real­ly isn’t the best way to water your lawn… but it’ll make dew.

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Blew it

The pres­i­dent of the Nation­al Ref­er­ees Asso­ci­a­tion has been arrest­ed for cor­rup­tion. Inves­ti­ga­tors haven’t released the name of the whistle-blower.

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Thank you and good knight

Who was King Arthur’s alco­holic knight? Sir Ohsis of the Liver.

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Like to meet her tailor

I was bit­ten by a female deer. Now when­ev­er the moon is full I turn into a weredoe.

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The buck stops here

What hap­pened when the chick­en became pos­sessed? It turned into a poul­trygeist and laid dev­iled eggs.

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Straight up

A while ago I thought my wife was going to leave me because of my bad pos­ture. It was just a hunch.

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Twin Trek

I went to a Star Trek con­ven­tion dressed as a tree… I was the captain’s log.

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6b.1a

What’s the dif­fer­ence between bird flu and swine flu? One requires tweet­ment and the oth­er, oinkment.

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Pump

I’ve decid­ed to quit my job as a per­son­al train­er because I’m not big enough or strong enough. Just hand­ed in my too weak notice.

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Bucket list

I went on a once-in-a-life­­­time vaca­tion. Nev­er again.

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Nanophone

Sci­en­tists have recent­ly record­ed the sound of two heli­um atoms laugh­ing. HeHe

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Luap

Who said, “Com­ing are the British! Com­ing are the British!”? Paul Reverse.

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Mit ßchlag

What do Ger­man snakes say? ßßßßßßßßß

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Wearing of the greens

What do you call left­over let­tuce? The romaines.

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Poor Richard

If Ben Franklin were still alive today, what would he be best known for? Prob­a­bly his age.

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At a distance

Can you teach your­self telepa­thy? I would love to hear your thoughts.

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Rock on

Just found out my child­hood house had mar­ble coun­ter­tops. The whole time I took them for granite.

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Rational

I think my wife is leav­ing me because of my obses­sion with sim­pli­fy­ing frac­tions. Oh well, hind­sight is 1.

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Sound familiar?

Movie pitch: A pan­dem­ic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas. Glob­al chaos ensues as the dis­ease wipes out 99% of human­i­ty. Des­per­ate sur­vivors fight for sur­vival in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

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Don’t be Thor

My friends don’t know that I’m actu­al­ly the shape-shift­ing Norse god of may­hem and mis­chief. I keep it Loki.

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Flipper

I recent­ly inden­tured myself to a dol­phin. It’s hard work, but at least I serve a porpoise.

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Splain

Where do mansplain­ers get their water? From a well, actually…

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By a thread

My wife com­pos­es songs about sewing machines. She’s a Singer song­writer, or sew it seams.

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Close one

My ex-wife still miss­es me. But her aim is improving.

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Scuttle

Bet you can’t name two crus­taceans that are only found in Lon­don. Here they are: Kings Crus­tacean and Char­ing Crustacean.

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Chip off the old

My son said: “Dad, once I reach 99 pounds, I will eat one pound of nachos. Then I will be 99% your son and 1% nacho son.”

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