One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid was deported. Now we don’t have Oleg to stand on.
I caught my son in our greenhouse playing frisbee with my old Mick Jagger album. I told him people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.
Saw her face
You know that song the BeeGees wrote about departing from an apiary? I’m a Bee Leaver…
Today I learned the origin language for the word “mucus.” It’s Phlegmish.
And a morel compass
Finding morels requires diligence and perfect timing. There isn’t mushroom for error.
Know what keeps sheep up at night? Knowing that so many people are counting on them.
Preferably pumpkin spice flavored
What’s the headless horseman’s favorite coffee? De-cappuccino.
The family that sneaks together
“Hey Dad, can you tell me the Japanese word for a ninja throwing star?” “Sure I can.”
I don’t want to read a long book about rock climbing. Can you just give me the cliff notes?
I dated a girl. She was from the Bronze age.
It’s a sign
My wife and I let astrology come between us. It Taurus apart.
It’s in his DNS
What does a dog call his territory? IP address.
85% of Americans don’t know how to do basic math. Thank goodness I’m part of the other 25%.
It’s on the house
In the windstorm last night I lost 1/4 of my roof. Oof.
How does a mathemagician disappear? He goes “Proof!”
What are the Oz?
Elton John’s e‑reader was swept up in a tornado. Like a Kindle in the wind.
Know why the pirate didn’t take a shower before walking the plank? Figured he’d just wash up on shore.
Greek to me
I aced all of my courses except for Greek Mythology. That has always been my Achilles’ elbow.
Here comes company
What do bees do when they move to a new hive? They throw a house swarming party.
Lawmakers are considering legislation setting a minimum drinking age for soda. It’s seven up.
Don’t call me Perry
Know why the paranoid fencer only used a sabre? He had thrust issues.
Old MacDonald had a dolphin. E‑E‑E‑E‑E
Why did the Lone Ranger have no luck on Tinder? No one wants a masked man date.
Know why Noah didn’t let the worms stay in their apple when they got on the Ark? Because everyone had to travel in pears.
My friend decided to start a B&B on his rabbit farm. Now he has a bunch of inn-grown hares.
How do you get the twins’ attention, both at the same time? Shout “Hey, W!”
My friend was a struggling artist until he decided to concentrate on sculpture. He made over six figures last year.
The best thing about telepathy is… I know, right?!
Comparison is odious
I asked my girlfriend if I was the only one she’s been with. She said yes, all others were either 9s or 10s.
Yeah Homer is this fat guy
Therapist says, “It seems like you have an acute phobia of marriage. Do you know the symptoms?” I reply, “Can’t say I do.”
And a tat, too
I went to a tattoo artist who used to be a math teacher. He really did a number on me.
I was driving my Skoda the other day and had to pull over. I noticed the Czech engine light was on.
People aren’t born with a photographic memory. It takes time to develop.
In a hurry
Know what you call it when you eat a toaster pastry without toasting it first? Pop-Tartare.
When I get a headache around my kids, I take two Advil and keep away from them just like the bottle says.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables. Turns out I was on the mothership.
My wife is leaving me because of my gambling addiction. But I know I can win her back.
You have two wolves inside you. You need to see a specialist. The correct number of wolves inside you is zero.
A companion for my axolitl
I bought a gecko and named him Tiny. Because he was my newt.
My friend told me he failed the exam in his authentic Australian music course. I asked, “Didja redo it?”
How do you make friends as an adult? Asking for a friend.
Just so you know
How to make a party more interesting: Approach a stranger and say “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here.”
All these jokes are giving me a headache. Anyone got some dAdvil?
I have been bored recently, so I decided to take up fencing. The neighbors keep demanding that I put it back.
Yesterday one of my best friends told me that I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space. It was really hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.
Between you & me
Never share a secret with a clock. Time will tell.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper left outside my front door. I must have fallen on hard Times.
Did you know that koalas aren’t actually bears? They don’t meet the koalafications.
Little Eva say
What kind of noise does a train make? A low commotion.
Wash that man
Know what soap is good if you want to keep men away? Deter-gent.
Where do whales go when they need braces? An orca-dontist.
Check is in the mail
On weekends, I like to play chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming increasingly harder to find exactly 32 of them.
Please don’t wear odd and obscure perfumes and colognes. Common scents, people!
If you haven’t heard the legend of the medieval Japanese warriors… allow me to Samurais it for you.
“Does this uniform make me look fat?” — Insecurity guard
Built for one
I’ve heard that head injuries can cause memory loss, but I still don’t wear a bike helmet. I don’t even remember the last time I fell off my bike.
Hello my name is Boring
Heard about the new self-help group for people who talk too much? On and on anon.
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I pay the guy my $2 and he says, “Once upon a time there was this lobster…”
I’m going to start collecting highlighters. Mark my words.
And it comes out here
I’m at JFK and the man in front of me has just collapsed on the luggage carousel. He’s coming round slowly.
Them’s the brakes
We’ve got the cheapest brake repairs in town. Once you start coming here, you won’t be able to stop.
I won a contest at the state fair for growing the biggest pickle. It was kind of a big dill.
That’s a wrap
My mother joined a pyramid scheme. Now I call her Mummy.
Know what you call a magician who has lost his magic? Ian.
I have the memory of an elephant. I remember when I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.
I was going to post a joke about sledding, but things went downhill quickly.
Pre- means before. Post- means after. To use both prefixes together would be preposterous.
I wanted a whistle: I bought a wooden whistle but it wooden whistle. Then I bought a steel whistle but it steel wooden whistle. So I bought a lead whistle but it steel wooden lead me whistle.
Let it flow
I live in Wyoming so I called my insurance to ask what would happen if Yellowstone ever erupted. They said not to worry, I would be covered.
Just lost my job at Ikea. I kept screwing things up.
Quit any time
If you’re addicted to seaweed… sea kelp.
When you die, people cry and beg for you to come back. But when you do they’re all running and screaming.
I’m working on a book about all the things I should be doing in my life. It’s an oughtobiography.
C’est tout, mes amis
While I’m driving the only song I will listen to is the theme from “Looney Tunes.” It’s a car tune.
One step at a time
It snowed overnight. I told my wife to go outside and shovel the steps. All I got was icy stares.
It’s workin’ 9 to 5
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet. It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe leeeeean. (h/t Reddit user /u/mykeuk)
I’m not a competitive person. I’ll be the first to admit it.
As does a biologist
The difference between a jeweler and a jailer? One sells watches and the other watches cells.
A little fit bunny
What do you call the king’s rabbit? Hare to the throne.
Lorraine’s down in Africa
Like most cats, lion cubs are born blind. Not see lions though.
My wife thinks I don’t give her enough privacy. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
You should always ask for your filet mignon to come from a male bovine. Anything else would be a miss steak.
Named my car Johnny
Sad news: I broke up with my girlfriend Lorraine because I was seeing another girl, Claire Lee. Good news though… I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
My wife is threatening to leave me because I never put the toilet seat down. To be honest, I’m getting a little tired of carrying it around.
Know how you measure how good a dad joke is? With a sighsmograph.
My wife and I always fight over the right way to mount the toilet paper roll, so our therapist suggested we try the other person’s way for a week. You know, roll reversal.
My editor told me I should I have a pen name. So from now on, I will be known as Bic.
Peas on earth
I’m advising people on how to grow peas. Should I make a podcast?
Know when to top ’em
The difference between a gambler and a gardener? One says “Read ‘em and weep” the other says “Weed ‘em and reap.”
My balloon elephant wouldn’t fit on the back seat of the car. So I had to pop the trunk.
Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? If they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.
Give me free range or
There was a revolution at the poultry farm. It was a chicken coup.
What do you call it when a police officer pulls over a U‑Haul? Busting a move.
Just a pointer
What’s the best way to catch a computer mouse? The answer might surprise you! Click bait.
Mother very thoughtfully
I like the name “Saturn.” It has a nice ring to it.
Getting stuff done
Know why elephants have two tusks? It’s so they can multitusk.
I got a reversible jacket for Christmas. I can’t wait to see how it turns out.
In a good moood
A study found that farmers who talk to their cows get better milk. In one ear and out the udder.
I just got food poisoning from mulligatawny. This stew shall pass.
Power of one
Know what it’s called when an orphan who was an only child takes a selfie? Family portrait.
Quit yer Quentin
What do you get when you rub two halves of an orange together? Pulp friction.
I hoped my girlfriend would get back from Ukraine before the 25th. No one wants a chick in Kiev for Christmas.
The scissors I bought for cutting paper works really well. You could say… The paper scissors rocks.
Why did Karl Marx only drink mint tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
Up in smoke
I made a list of all the people I hate, but my roommate rolled a joint with it. Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
I took a day trip to my childhood home today. I knocked, and when the residents answered, I explained how I grew up there — and asked if I might come inside to relive some nostalgia. They angrily refused, slammed the door in my face, and threatened to call the police if I didn’t leave. My parents are the worst.
I wanted a bat and ball
Today my kids told me they want a pony for Christmas. Normally I cook a turkey, but whatever makes them happy.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
I told my cat I’m going to teach him to speak English. He looked at me and said, “Me, how?”
When my wife is sad, sometimes I let her color in my tattoos. She just needs a shoulder to crayon.
It was Xanaxident
I accidentally took a double dose of my anxiety meds. Well, at least I won’t be worrying about the possible consequences.
My grandma was 80% Irish. They used to call her Iris.
That’s not how it works
My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don’t even care.
With three you also get
Three wise men do an infomercial for gold and frankincense: “But wait, there’s MYRRH!”
The old woman who lived in a shoe won the lottery. She moved to Beverly Heels.
My boss found my folder labeled “Not Safe For Work.” He was didn’t expect to find it full of OSHA violations.
Here’s to 2022
Alpha, Delta, and Omicron walk into a bar and order three Coronas. Bartender says, “That’ll be $20.21.”
I went into the office early this morning and switched the M and N keys on as many keyboards as I could. Some might call me a monster but the rest will definitely call ne a nomster.
You will be mist
Did you hear about the truck full of Vicks VapoRub that jackknifed on the highway? There’s been no congestion for hours.
What did the beach say when the tide came in? Long time no sea.
Out of touch
Had to end things with my massage therapist. She rubbed me the wrong way.
You all beehive now
Why do bees stay in their beehives all through the winter? Swarm.
Soothes my soul
I found a recipe from Morocco for homemade dinner rolls. It called for fresh thyme but mine was dried. I used it anyway. You know, as I reminisce, I really like that old thyme Moroccan roll.
Dazed and confused
Did you hear about the town that legalized pot but banned alcohol? The residents were left high and dry.
Joe Hill actually
Did you know that Stephen King has a son named Joe? I’m not Joe King, he is.
— “Doctor doctor, my DNA is backwards!” — “AND?!”
Hot dish served cold
I’m addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers, but I never reheat them. Just can’t quit cold turkey.
Why was Alexander Hamilton so bad at the decathlon? Because he wouldn’t throw away his shot.
Why are Russian translators in Finland always in such a hurry? Because they’re Russian to Finnish.
A European couple — the woman was Polish, the man from Czechia — failed to turn up after hiking in the Alps. A little while after they went missing, some park rangers found two dead bears, one male, one female, just off the trail. Their bellies were distended. They cut open the she-bear to find the remains of the woman. “You Read More …
This guy stayed on a merry-go-round for three days. He set a whirled record.
Hair de Lune
How does the Man in the Moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.
Did you know that Teslas don’t have a “new car” smell? They have an Elon Musk.
Know what state has the lowest birth rate? Virginia. How about the state where the computers have become sentient? Delaware.
No bell prize
Dad: knock knock Son: who‘s there? Dad: control freak Dad: this is where you say control freak who
Know what one Japanese man said to the other? I don’t know either, I don’t speak Japanese.
And malignant with it
What do you call a Viking who only talks about himself? A Norse-issist.
Or a little doe
My new deer cloning business is now accepting applications. It’s for anyone looking to make a quick buck.
– Sheep: Okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together. – Me: What? – Sheep: You herd me.
I have not met a single person who is happily married.
Try the other way
If the USA is so amazing… why would anyone make a USB?
Need new clothes too
Man bursts into the doctor’s office. all panicked: “Doctor doctor, I’m shrinking!” Doctor says, “Well sir, you’re just going to have to learn to be a little patient.”
I showed up late to the Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting. All the seats were already taken.
Rings a faint bell
Ever ring James Bond’s doorbell? It goes: Dong. Ding dong.
One day Canada will rule the world. Then you’ll all be sorry.
According to the chocolate Advent calendar I bought yesterday, there are only three days until Christmas.
I’ll have the upper cut
I’m currently on a restaurant date with a female boxer. She’s going for the ribs. I might try a duck.
Pay it forward
Instead of a swear jar I have a pessimism jar. Every time I have a negative thought I put a coin in. It’s currently half empty.
Know why the archaeopteryx caught the worm? He was an early bird.
Hold the lime
It’s physically impossible to swim in guacamole. You can only have a dip.
The inventors of the Ferris wheel and the merry-go-round never met. They traveled in different circles.
I’ll let myself out now
At the hospital I was admitted to, apple pie costs $2 a slice, pumpkin $3, and blueberry $4. Those are the pie-rates of the care-I-be-in.
They all laughed when I announced my career change to specialize in dad jokes. Well, nobody’s laughing now.
Why do we have pop tarts but no mom tarts? Because of the pastryarchy.
Looking down in the mouth
Our dentist sponsored my kids’ Little League team, so when they won the championship they were expecting a big trophy. But all they got was a little plaque.
If you carrot all
What’s small, red, and whispers? A hoarse radish.
Would a wandering caveman be a Meanderthal?
I accidentally took my cat’s meds this morning… don’t ask meow.
All ye know
Have you ever considered how good-looking the second letter of the word “hive” is? I’ve always said that beauty is in the “i” of the bee holder.
I saw a chameleon today. It wasn’t a very good one.
The best half
– “Doctor Doctor, I only ever hear half of what’s being said!” – “Let’s put that to the test. Repeat after me: sixty-six.” – “Thirty-three!”
Frühstück der Champions
Many people in Germany, fearing another Covid spike, are buying up cheese and sausages. Preparing for a wurst kase scenario.
Brought to heel
Know what you call 12-inch cars? Foot traffic.
Even the timbers are shivering
Why does Covid-19 spread so rapidly in the pirate community? Because of the high arrrr value.
Stick the landing
What sound does an airplane make when it bounces on landing? Boeing, boeing, boeing.
What do German air force pilots eat for breakfast? Luftwaffles.
Nary a whale
Why are haunted ships the most efficient? Because they run with a skeleton crew.
I just ended a 5 year relationship… — OMG are you okay? — I’m fine, it wasn’t my relationship.
Digging tunnels deep underground, using complex machinery, sounds fascinating. But it’s really boring.
What do you call a dinosaur in high heels? Myfeetaresaurus.
To whoever stole my mirror… I hope you reflect on what you’ve done.
Why has this Covid situation been especially stressful on the Flat Earth society? Even though last year they were excited about flattening the curve, long-term they fear that social distancing measures could actually push people over the edge.
Last inning Homer
What do bakers say when they’ve forgotten to put their bread in the oven? D’ough!
Big ten four
My wife hates how I always pretend we are on walkie-talkies. Wife: Our relationship is over. Me: Our relationship is what? Over.
What do you call a prehistoric hip hop artist? Velocirapstar.
Know how the hacker escaped the police? He just ransomware.
First day of X‑Box
How do you hide a new video game before Christmas? You put the cartridge in a pear tree.
Name’s Sal. Sal Amander.
Scientists have found a dwarf species of axolotl. They’ve named it the axolitl.
What do you call a zombie who stir-fries? Dead man wok-ing.
My grandfather brought down 23 German planes in WW-II. Worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
I’m on a horse
Know when Old Spice was invented? During cologne-ial times.
The archeologist made a big mistake: He thought he’d found a Pharaoh’s tomb, but it was just some old Giza.
Say that five times fast
Penguins produce an oil that helps their feathers retain heat. The oily bird gets the warm.
Heavier than a wand
What would you call someone who’s a wizard at weightlifting? Albus Dumbbelldore.
I was gonna hold off making a joke about superconductors… But I just couldn’t resist.
It’s the eating tin cans that gets to me
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doc, I keep having delusions that I’m a goat. Ever since I was a kid…”
There will be a Tesla
Know why electric cars are so expensive? Because they charge a lot.
To whoever stole my deck of cards: I can’t deal with you.
Wrong on so many levels
To whoever stole my elevator joke: I know what you’re up to.
On the hoof
To whoever stole my cow… My beef is with you, sir!
There is no try
What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener.
My friend is quite the inventor. He’s managed to create a lightbulb powered only by wordplays. Now he’s got a socket full of punshine.
To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.
It’s against the rules for NFL players to own a duck. It’s a personal fowl.
Hogwarts take note
My dyslexia has reached a new owl.
Time for reflection
Professional mirror photography. It’s a job I could really see myself doing.
King’s Gambit Reclined
I really love my furniture. My recliner and I go way back.
In a manner of squeaking
Ever used WD40 to get rid of mice? It doesn’t work, but it does stop them squeaking.
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again. Man, I sure am lucky! I mean, first I win the lottery and now this!
I keep calling my wife Delilah even though her name is Delia. I keep calling our lawn “the green, green grass of home.” And worst of all, every time I see a cat, I can’t help but ask, “What’s new, pussycat?” It turns out I have Tom Jones Syndrome. My doctor says it’s not unusual.
Say It Ain’t So
Know who Old MacDonald called on to protect his farm? GI-GI-Joe.
We started a band and called it “Books.” So no one can judge us by our covers.
Called in blind today. Just couldn’t see myself going to work.
Set my cap
Educated people are hot. They have more degrees.
Flag is a big plus
What do you call a woman with a bottle opener in one hand, a knife in the other hand, a pair of scissors under her arm, and a corkscrew behind her ear? Swiss Army Wife.
Room for the black hat
What’s a cowboys favorite car? Audi, partner.
Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives.
My doctor diagnosed me with a chronic tomato sauce deficiency. He prescribed medical marinara.
What did one dried fish said to the other? Long time no sea.
It’s a parent
Know what it takes to be able to tell a dad joke? You have to be a groan man.
I got a promotion at the tree farm. I’m now a branch manager.
That trick never works
How is a moose different from an ant? Moose have antlers but ants don’t have mooselers.
And heat it too
When we moved into my new igloo our friends threw a house-warming party. Now we’re homeless.
Train conductors can never be trusted. They all have loco motives.
They’re releasing a tenth installment of the Fast & Furious franchise. It’ll be called “Fast Ten: Your Seat Belts.”
How many clickbait articles does it take to change a light bulb? The answer will shock you!
On the up and up
A friend invited me to a feather-themed fancy dress party. “Sure,” I said. “I’m down.”
Hear you knockin’
Did you know that sinks can’t open doors? Let that sink in.
What sport needs a life jacket, a paddle, and a ball of yarn? Whitewater crafting.
Stage I’m going through
I just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Don’t you remember?
How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they all use gaslighting.
Know what you call a gangster horse? Al Capony.
I had to stop going to the local comedy coffee shop. Too much brew ha ha.
With hand on ADA manual
Know what the judge said to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?
Hop on Pop
A frog got his DNA tested. Turns out he’s part Irish, part British, and a tad Pole.
What the Internet was invented for
I know why YouTube constantly recommends videos of dancing former Vice Presidents. It’s just the Al Gore rhythm.
I created a dating app for chickens. It’s not my day job, it’s just to make hens meet.
Archaeologists are having a party to celebrate unearthing the largest dinosaur tibia ever found. It’s going to be quite the shindig.
Keeping a lid on it
I love eye jokes. The cornea the better.
I heard that cricket matches can last for days. No rest for the wicket, I suppose.
I wish I was single for one day. Being single my whole life is exhausting.
Why do astronomers add ground beef to their shampoo? So they can have meatier showers.
Does every sentence have to mention some kind of vegetable? Not necesscelery.
A touch of red
I tried donating blood today… never again! Too many questions. Like, “Whose blood is this?”, “How did you get it?”, “Why is it in a bucket?”
Works for cells too
It’s important to wear glasses during math class. It improves division.
On a winter’s day
Never buy lettuce from The Mamas and The Papas Grocery. All the leaves are brown.
You know what font they use for the letter noodles in alphabet soup? Times New Ramen.
Solitaire till dawn
Back in the 80s, I’d often dress up nicely, go out and order dinner for one, see movies alone, take long solitary walks… Wow, I’m really dating myself.
What a drag
Know what they call the soft, sweet cheese served at American stock car racing tracks? NASCARpone.
I’m trying to get back down to my original weight. 8 lbs 9 oz.
Batman invited all the superheroes for a discussion on Bitcoin, but Superman didn’t show up. Because it was crypto night.
But I will
Do I have to keep making dad jokes? The short answer is No. The long answer is Nnnnnnnnnoooooooo.
.– .- .. -
My wife Dorothy left me because of my obsession with Morse code. I said, “Please don’t dash, Dot!”
Bring lawn chairs
Know where elderly Egyptian guys gathered in the ancient kingdom? At the Great Pyramid of Geezer.
Every night at 8:50 sharp my wrist starts hurting. Doctor diagnosed a case of ten-to-ninetis.
Know what hip hop artists call their sheet music? Rapping paper.
The measure of man
Did you know athlete’s foot only occurs in the US? Everywhere else it’s athlete’s meter.
I Googled “lost medieval servant boy” — got “Page not found.”
Poultry in motion
I grilled a chicken for two hours. It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road.
What if Iron Man teamed up with the Silver Surfer? They would be alloys.
I have an irrational fear of over-designed buildings. It’s a complex complex complex.
Here’s to it
I finally quit drinking for good. Now I drink for evil.
Where rabbits live
It’s a shame nothing is made in the USA anymore. I just bought a TV that said “Built in Antenna.” I don’t even know where that is!
Know why it’s a bad idea to iron your four-leaf clover? You shouldn’t press your luck.
Doc, it hurts when I poke myself on the shoulder and when I poke myself on the forehead and when I poke myself on the thigh. Doctor: Your finger is broken.
Tired? There’s a nap for that.
Giftie gie us
My girlfriend said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So I bought her a candle.
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb? One. They’re very efficient, and not particularly funny.
What dwells within
My mom was a radiologist, and she met my dad when he came in for an x‑ray. I wonder what she saw in him.
I caught a cold near the carousel. Heard there was something going around.
Whole lotta shakin’
Two tectonic plates bumped into one another. They both said “Sorry, my fault.”
So transparent it’s a pane
Never lie to an x‑ray techician. They can see right through you.
Thinking outside the box
“Dad, how did you trim the hedges so straight?” “With cutting hedge technology.”
Not what you want to hear
My doctor said I have a bladder infection. I asked him what that means and he replied, “Urine trouble.”
Your DNA is backwards. AND?
Another name for a paternity test? Pop quiz.
Resistance is futile
My wife says I’m useless at fixing electrical appliances. Well, she’s in for a shock.
Best way to kill a southern vampire? Bless his heart.
Working all the Engles
Why did the Red Army have so many excellent snipers? It’s because they were all Marx men.
Now we know how she lost that slipper
Know why Cinderella was kicked off the soccer team? She kept running away from the ball.
I woke up this morning to find two birds sitting in the sun in the backyard eating ice cream. They were Basking Robins.
I lost one of my wife’s audio books. I know I will never hear the end of it.
Arcimboldo has a lot to answer for
My girlfriend changed a lot since she became vegan. It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
I have a Dutch drone that stays in the air indefinitely. It Netherlands.
What do cowboys use to move from state to state? Yee-Hauls.
Ends in a vowel
The Italian chef got locked out of his restaurant… He had gnocchi.
Downhill from here
I had to give a presentation on playgrounds. There were lots of slides.
My friend Tony asked me not to say his name backwards. I said y not?
You say potato
At first I despised sheltering in place, but now I love it. I think it’s stuck-home syndrome.
I exercise by running up the street and knocking on all the doors. Jehovah’s Fitness.
Two dogs walked into a bar. It was yappy hour.
Must have umlaüts
The CEO of IKEA was just elected prime minister of Sweden. It’ll take him a week to assemble his cabinet.
I’m not a competitive person. And I’ll be the first to admit it.
The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a tune. But the Chick Peas can only hummus one.
I crossed a coho salmon with a sockeye salmon. Got a cockeyed salmon.
Old school ties
What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.
Signs of spring
Went to an open-air cafe yesterday and it rained. Took me an hour to eat my soup.
Robert de Niro is asked if he has any family in Salt Lake City, and he growls, “Utah kin to me?”
An American, a Frenchman, a Mexican, and a German were all attending a Zoom meeting. The supervisor asked, “Can you all see me OK?” To which they answered, “Yes” “Oui” “Si” “Ja.”
I went to an orthodontist who only charged me $1. That’s why I have buck teeth.
Blew right pasta
My neighbor came over to borrow some spaghetti and asked what she owed me. I said, “It’ll cost you a pretty penne.”
My stimulus check came on St. Patrick’s Day. That’s what I call the luck of the IRS.
Vont tres bien ensemble
I was interrogating a crab and I asked it, “What’s your name? Where do you live? What’s that on your back?” It said: “Michelle.”
Brought to heel
I had a dream where I was being chased by a huge pair of shoes. Catching up to me was no small feet.
First bat of spring
What do you call Batman when he’s badly hurt? Bruised Wayne.
I wrote a book on basements… it’s on the Best Cellars list.
My wife has the weirdest abacus tattoo on her back. But I can always count on her.
My doctor has advised me to stop drinking. It’s going to be a massive change for me, I’ve been with that doctor for 15 years.
Did you know: in Iran they are petrified of spiders. But in Iraq, no phobia.
I went into the kitchen this morning and there was a “Get Better Soon” card on the table for me. I called out to my wife asking what it was for because I wasn’t sick. She shouted back from the other room, “It’s an ultimatum.”
Google is so useless. I’ve been searching for lighters — it showed 3,580,642 matches instead.
Watch for impactors
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? The chicken hadn’t evolved yet.
But you didn’t get it.
The punchline always comes before the joke. What is the worst part about time travel jokes?
Nothing runs like…
My wife took off with a tractor salesman. Left me with a John Deere letter.
Little white lie
A garbage man was doing the rounds one morning. He came to a house where there was no bin out front, but there was a man sitting on the porch. — G‘man: “Hey! Where’s ya bin?” Guy: “I’ve been in Florida.” — G‘man: “No, no. I meant where’s ya wheely bin?” Guy: “I’ve really been in jail but I tell everyone I’ve Read More …
Now you see them
I come from a family of magicians, which may be why I have two half sisters.
My dad found out that I had an imaginary girlfriend. Dad: “You can do much better, you know!” Me: “Thanks Dad. That means so much to me.” Dad: “I was talking to her.”
Just had an officer at the door saying he was looking for a man with one eye. Told him he’d probably find him a lot quicker if he used both.
Monday is Jamaican Day at work. I’m dreading it.
No quarter given
I have a jar where I put in a quarter every time I have a negative thought. It’s half empty.
In the old days, excessive use of commas was considered a serious crime. It usually resulted in a long sentence. (h/t Nathaniel Moore)
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.
Got it covered
A truck carrying toupees jacknifed on the highway, scattering its cargo. Police are combing the area.
A new strain of head lice has appeared that is resistant to conventional treatments. This has left scientists scratching their heads.
The chiropractor’s to-do list: 1. Get back to work.
How would you count them?
What do you call big black birds that stick together? Velcrows.
Leave me bee
What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabi!
Yes, wonderful things
You know how some ancient tombs have money or valuables buried with their inhabitants? That’s the first cryptocurrency.
At least it’s not Covid
I had mono in college. Went to the doctor today with similar symptoms but twice as bad… Turns out I have stereo.
H20 is inside a fire hydrant, but on the outside there’s only K9P.
Or you could try Dinah Soare
I asked the librarian if she knew the author of a dinosaur book. She said try Sarah Topps.
I used to get small shocks every time I touched metal objects, but I don’t anymore. I’m just ex-static.
Stay away from stairs
My experiment of cross-breeding a rooster with a Slinky has failed. Alas, I’ve no spring chicken.
Is it any wonder
Know what you call someone who can’t stop watching films with a strong female lead? Heroine addict.
What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer? Father-in-law.
I didn’t mean to take so much of my anxiety medication. It was Xanax-ident.
What do you call bears with no teeth? (Gummy bears.) What do you call bears with no ears? (B.)
The full Monty
I work as a tattoo artist in a wellness center making very specific designs, and everyone is really surprised when I tell them that I’m also a doctor. Nobody expects the spa niche ink physician.
I want my Maypo
I’ve always wanted to tap my neighbors’ maple tree, but he wouldn’t give me permission. Think I could do it syruptitiously?
I met my wife at a travel agency. She was looking for a vacation and I was her last resort.
Sand which is there
I refuse to do drugs harder than cocaine. Got to draw the line somewhere.
I hope Elon Musk never gets into a scandal… Elon-gate would be really drawn out.
Apologies to QAnon
Know what you call a komodo dragon who runs a casino? The lizard of odds.
I got the words “Jacuzzi” and “Yakuza” confused. Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
I jokingly told the X‑ray technician that I don’t believe in X‑rays. But she saw right through me.
Know what you call a Scotsman with a bad haircut? Mullet of Kintyre.
Just about to lose my mind
I was walking with 18 cows from one ranch to another and took a shortcut through a vineyard. I herded through the grapevine.
To bee or…
I found an old vinyl record of insect sounds and put it on, expecting relaxing ambient background like cicadas and such. But all I got was a droning buzz. That’s when I realized I was playing the bee side.
Police are looking for a man selling marijuana to seabirds. Eyewitness said he left no tern unstoned.
Siege my liege
Scene: a 13th-century feudal uprising. Rebels are besieging the castle. They manage to kill the eldest son of the Duke by knocking him off the ramparts with a lucky trebuchet volley, using as a payload the severed head of a peasant. It was the first serf-face-to-heir missile. (h/t John Garison)
An attic full
Anyone want some old copies of Chiropractic Monthly? I’ve got loads of back issues.
One of my earliest memories is seeing my mother’s face through the oven window. As we played hide and seek and she said, “You’re getting warmer.” (h/t Milton Jones)
Core available, but not to you
There’s an Amazon forest but no Microsoft forest – know why that is? It’s been logged out.
Texas Prisoner Found Dead After Consuming Smuggled Fish Eggs. Died on Death Roe.
My roommate had a combined Burns Night and Chinese New Year party he called Chinese Burns Night. I wasn’t going to go, but he twisted my arm.
Seven story mountain
My friend became a monk recently. I asked him if he’d taken a vow of silence, but he didn’t answer. I guess it goes without saying.
City in Switzerland
Know what you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills? Bernadette.
I was in a contest where you lost if you talked. It was quite the competion, to say the least.
Kernel of the matter
If anyone has a suggestion on how to reverse the spell that turned me into corn… I’m all ears.
— “Da..a..a..d, are we pyromaniacs?” — ”Yes we arson.”
#1 cause of dry skin
My friend the snake charmer is marrying an undertaker. As a wedding gift I bought them some “Hiss and Hearse” towels.
I don‘t trust the owls at Machu Pichu. They’re all Inca hoots.
Have and to hold
I asked my dad if gay people should get married and he said, “Haven’t they suffered enough?”
Self, meet evident
What do you call someone who points out the obvious? Someone who points out the obvious.
A chicken and a duck are standing by the side of a road. Chicken clucks to his friend, “Don’t do it mate, you’ll never hear the end of it.”
Did you know that ancient Greeks would shave their heads before the Olympics to run faster? Modern historians call it balderdash.
You can call me Th’
Know what Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name.
Apparently one in three Britons is conceived in an IKEA bed, which is mad because those places are really well lit. (h/t Mark Smith)
Asked and not answered
I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point? (h/t Alexei Sayle)
My wife’s hairdresser wanted her to sign a long-term service agreement before setting up an appointment, but she refused. Just couldn’t accept all those perms and conditions.
You know how they throw the ball into the crowd after they win the game? Apparently that’s not allowed in bowling. I know that now.
Cast of thousands
You know why we tell actors “Break a leg,” don’t you? Because every play has a cast.
Some people always want their opinion validated. Am I right?
Bern the meme
Know why Bernie wore those mittens? Temperature was minus 45.
Cookin’ with gas
The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees”… But now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
My New Year’s resolution is to get in shape. I choose round. (h/t Sarah Millican)
The College Board is phasing out the essay portion of the SAT. Henceforth the test will be known as the T.
Elton John has bought his pet rabbit a treadmill. It’s a little fit bunny.
I know what fish study in school. Algaebra.
My wife says she’s divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas. But will she leave? Find out next week.
Of the earth
Doctor said I’m at risk of a heart attack due to high sodium intake. I took what he said with a grain of salt.
If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that. (h/t Milton Jones)
Cross that bridge
I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again. (h/t Tim Vine)
One ringy dingy
When a Jehovah’s Witness dies, does Heaven turn out the lights and pretend nobody’s home?
Saw through that one
The Invisible Man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
I said to the gym instructor, “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.” (h/t Tim Vine)
I’m so old, I remember when the Dead Sea was just sick.
Know what you call a very tall buffalo? Buffahigh.
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said “Analogue?” I said “No, just a watch.” (h/t Tim Vine)
Forget I said that
If alcohol can damage your short term memory, imagine the damage alcohol can do.
I’m entering the worlds tightest hat competition. Just hope I can pull it off. (h/t Tim Vine)
Red sky at night: sailor’s delight. Blue sky at night: day. (h/t Tom Parry)
Stall & crawl
I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over. (h/t Milton Jones)
Boy’s a boy
I have two boys, 8 and 9. We’re no good at naming things in our house. (h/t Ed Byrne)
My dad always used to say “Out with the old, in with the new.” Lovely man, terrible antiques dealer.
What did the revolutionary bread tell the other breads? “We have to rise up, my breadren!”
Clear runway niner
What do you call a paper airplane that doesn’t fly? Stationery.
Couldn’t understand why my dog was totally motionless… Then I realized, it was on paws.
Just in kase
What is made of cheese and found in Scotland? The Loch Ness Muenster.
Dentists always ask dumb questions like “When’s the last time you flossed?” Like bro, you were there!
I thought I saw Michael J. Fox at my local garden center. I’m not sure if it was him, though, as he had his back to the fuchsias.
My biggest talent is always being able to tell what’s in a wrapped present. It’s a gift.
Musta been from Jersey
Did you hear about the mechanic who fell asleep under the car? He woke up oily in the morning.
Walking away with it
I once entered the world kleptomaniac championships. I took gold, silver, and bronze.
Keanu Reeves and I are good friends. Just not with each other.
Not in Oxford any more
Jeff, a semicolon, and an Oxford comma walk into a bar. They both have a great time.
The Lord of the Rings official pinball machine doesn’t take quarters. Only Tolkiens.
Cow’s on first
–”Hey, look at that flock of cows!” —”Herd.” –”What?” —”Herd of cows.” –”Of course I’ve heard of cows, there’s a flock of them right there!”
Wears a red jacket too
Know what you call a defiant kid who doesn’t believe in Saint Nick? Rebel without a Claus.
Three L llama
Thought I heard someone say “Hello” in Arabic. But it was a false Salaam.
Repaint, and thin no more
I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn’t work.
& no cookie for you
Chinese take out: 8 dollars. Tip: 1 dollar. Getting home to find out they forgot part of your order: Riceless.
Ronald Coleman eyes
I don’t hold grudges. My dad held grudges… I hated him for that.
Sam and Ella walk into a bar. The bar gets shut down by the health department.
Nature by numbers
This year’s Fibonacci Convention was a great success. It was as big as the last two combined.
I don’t think Marine Biology is the right major for me. My grades are below C‑level.
My wife asked me if I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school. I said, “Yes, but I was part of the control group.”
Batteries not included
What’s Elon Musk’s least favorite country? Madeagascar.
How do pirates get rid of their surplus booty? Yarrrrdsale.
Able was I
I have a friend with no social skills and a Ph.D in the history of palindromes. I call him Dr. Awkward.
I’m done being a people pleaser. If everyone’s OK with that.
My wife insisted on whisking flour into the melted butter. I told her she would roux the day.
Iz what it iz
Loud laughing is not permitted in Hawaii. Just a low ha.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long.
See Russia from here
What do you call a native Alaskan eye doctor? An optical Aleutian.
The adjective for metal is metallic. But not so for iron… which is ironic.
Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban.
Stock in trade
I’ve got a friend who reckons he can make high cuisine out of stock cubes. What an Oxo moron.
What do you call a laughing motorbike? Yamahahaha.
Not mine either
Know what cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
Marriage in bloom
My wife’s mad at me because she said I never buy her flowers. I honestly didn’t even know she sold flowers.
Up to something
I told my builder not to carpet my steps. He gave me a blank stair.
I ordered some stuff online yesterday and used my Donor Card instead of my Debit Card. Cost me an arm and a leg.
Making a difference
The next song is all about subtraction… Take it away, boys.
I told my therapist that no one understands me. She said, “What do you mean by that?”
Aquarium owners never snitch. They’re good at keeping sea crits.
Know what you win if you don’t move a single muscle all week? A trophy.
How do two French guys share files electronically? Pierre to Pierre network.
Numb and number
What do you call a calculator that works instantly? Calcunow.
Out to get you
I asked the librarian if they had any books about paranoia. She whispered, “They’re right behind you…”
My dog started gnawing on something and immediately had a sneezing fit. That’s the last time I buy him achoo toy.
Things change Jerry
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she’s been giving me lately.
Go lieth down
I have started carrying a stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving. It’s my jingle bell rock.
Justine was 4 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up 6 months later. First thing, she asked the doctor about her baby. Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They’re both fine. And, your brother named them for you. Justine: No, no, no, not my brother! He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Read More …
Want to hear a joke about sodium, bromine, and oxygen? NaBrO.
Smaller babies get delivered by the stork. Bigger babies need a crane.
You shouldn’t kill chickpeas. It’s hummuside.
So you’re guanaco?
My wife is leaving because she’s fed up with my South American animal puns. “OK,” I said, “Alpaca your bags.”
Know what you call a large, flightless bird that fights? Taekwon-dodo.
I have a pet tree. It’s like a pet dog, but the bark is quieter.
Emoting all the way
Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.
When geese fly in a V formation, one side is always longer than the other. Do you know why that is? There are more birds on that side.
Runnin’ up that hill
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today.
Condensation really isn’t the best way to water your lawn… but it’ll make dew.
The president of the National Referees Association has been arrested for corruption. Investigators haven’t released the name of the whistle-blower.
Thank you and good knight
Who was King Arthur’s alcoholic knight? Sir Ohsis of the Liver.
Like to meet her tailor
I was bitten by a female deer. Now whenever the moon is full I turn into a weredoe.
The buck stops here
What happened when the chicken became possessed? It turned into a poultrygeist and laid deviled eggs.
A while ago I thought my wife was going to leave me because of my bad posture. It was just a hunch.
I went to a Star Trek convention dressed as a tree… I was the captain’s log.
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other, oinkment.
I’ve decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I’m not big enough or strong enough. Just handed in my too weak notice.
I went on a once-in-a-lifetime vacation. Never again.
Scientists have recently recorded the sound of two helium atoms laughing. HeHe
Who said, “Coming are the British! Coming are the British!”? Paul Reverse.
What do German snakes say? ßßßßßßßßß
Wearing of the greens
What do you call leftover lettuce? The romaines.
If Ben Franklin were still alive today, what would he be best known for? Probably his age.
At a distance
Can you teach yourself telepathy? I would love to hear your thoughts.
Just found out my childhood house had marble countertops. The whole time I took them for granite.
I think my wife is leaving me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions. Oh well, hindsight is 1.
Movie pitch: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas. Global chaos ensues as the disease wipes out 99% of humanity. Desperate survivors fight for survival in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.
Don’t be Thor
My friends don’t know that I’m actually the shape-shifting Norse god of mayhem and mischief. I keep it Loki.
I recently indentured myself to a dolphin. It’s hard work, but at least I serve a porpoise.
Where do mansplainers get their water? From a well, actually…
By a thread
My wife composes songs about sewing machines. She’s a Singer songwriter, or sew it seams.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is improving.
Bet you can’t name two crustaceans that are only found in London. Here they are: Kings Crustacean and Charing Crustacean.
Chip off the old
My son said: “Dad, once I reach 99 pounds, I will eat one pound of nachos. Then I will be 99% your son and 1% nacho son.”
Garlic dusted keyboard
What’s the difference between Gordon Ramsay’s favorite dish and a slow-running computer? One is a rack of lamb and the other is a lack of RAM.
Know what you call a fear of giants? Feefiphobia.
I’m never sure if I like rocking chairs or not. I go back and forth on them.
I want to open a sandwich shop called Salvador Deli. We’ll specialize in melts.
Bostonians will understand
Where do sheep get their haircut? The baa-baa shop.
When the drummer re-recorded his drum solo… there were repercussions.
Got no ID
Two women were sharing the same ID card. Sharon is Karen.
I saw a couple of boys on my street stealing a gate. I didn’t say anything in case they took a fence.
On the way
Has anyone been to Engagement, Ohio? It’s a little place between Dayton and Marion.
Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch, Yeti never complains.
Working for scale
To the person who stole my broken bathroom scale: You won’t get a weigh with this!
I told my therapist, “Last night I had a nightmare that I was fighting Jason Bourne and Will Hunting at the same time.” She replied, “I’m glad that you are finally battling your Damons.”
Out of controls
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday. They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Little Bobby Tables
Why are policemen in London so tall? Because they’re paid by the Yard.
They had to fire the new guy at the orange juice factory. He couldn’t concentrate. (h/t Monty Solomon)
What’s the difference between American dogs and British dogs? An American dog pants while the British dogs trousers.
There are two types of people in this world: People who finish what they started.
I used to work at a factory that makes fire hydrants. However, you couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost. I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
My 4‑year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can’t say the phrase for “please.” Which I think is poor for four.
Right handed ink smear
I just got offered a job teaching literature in prison. Spent all night thinking about the prose and cons.
Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to return to the sea eventually and lose them. Kinda defeets the porpoise, don’t you think?
Got my chips cashed in
Today my son asked me if I had seen the new movie “The Truck.” I answered, “No, but I saw the trailer yesterday.”
I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, “Do you want to hear today’s special?” I said, “Yes please.” Waiter: “No problem, sir. Today is special.”
The hep it burns
My girlfriend asked if we could have an old movie night and watch “Gaslight.” I told her “We already watched that together, don’t you remember?”
Know how people in San Antonio like their pie? Alamo’d.
A bossy man goes into a bar. He orders everyone a round.
Projection of force
Know why the Jedi don’t have a navy? Because sailing is a path to the dockside.
Peculiar shade of green
The reason Superman can’t defeat Dracula… is because he can’t go near the crypt tonight.
My friend couldn’t afford to pay his water bill. I sent him a “Get well soon” card.
Music of the virions
I made a song about Covid-19. It’s super catchy.
Pause to reflect
My friend was really proud of his British heritage until he found out that his great grandfather was from Transylvania. Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.