The difference between a jeweler and a jailer? One sells watches and the other watches cells.
Like most cats, lion cubs are born blind. Not see lions though.
My wife thinks I don’t give her enough privacy. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
You should always ask for your filet mignon to come from a male bovine. Anything else would be a miss steak.
Sad news: I broke up with my girlfriend Lorraine because I was seeing another girl, Claire Lee. Good news though… I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
My wife is threatening to leave me because I never put the toilet seat down. To be honest, I’m getting a little tired of carrying it around.
My wife and I always fight over the right way to mount the toilet paper roll, so our therapist suggested we try the other person’s way for a week. You know, roll reversal.
My editor told me I should I have a pen name. So from now on, I will be known as Bic.
The difference between a gambler and a gardener? One says “Read ‘em and weep” the other says “Weed ‘em and reap.”
My balloon elephant wouldn’t fit on the back seat of the car. So I had to pop the trunk.
Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? If they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.
There was a revolution at the poultry farm. It was a chicken coup.
What do you call it when a police officer pulls over a U‑Haul? Busting a move.
What’s the best way to catch a computer mouse? The answer might surprise you! Click bait.
I got a reversible jacket for Christmas. I can’t wait to see how it turns out.
A study found that farmers who talk to their cows get better milk. In one ear and out the udder.
Know what it’s called when an orphan who was an only child takes a selfie? Family portrait.
What do you get when you rub two halves of an orange together? Pulp friction.
I hoped my girlfriend would get back from Ukraine before the 25th. No one wants a chick in Kiev for Christmas.
The scissors I bought for cutting paper works really well. You could say… The paper scissors rocks.
I made a list of all the people I hate, but my roommate rolled a joint with it. Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
I took a day trip to my childhood home today. I knocked, and when the residents answered, I explained how I grew up there — and asked if I might come inside to relive some nostalgia. They angrily refused, slammed the door in my face, and threatened to call the police if I didn’t leave. My parents are the worst.
Today my kids told me they want a pony for Christmas. Normally I cook a turkey, but whatever makes them happy.
I told my cat I’m going to teach him to speak English. He looked at me and said, “Me, how?”
When my wife is sad, sometimes I let her color in my tattoos. She just needs a shoulder to crayon.
I accidentally took a double dose of my anxiety meds. Well, at least I won’t be worrying about the possible consequences.
Three wise men do an infomercial for gold and frankincense: “But wait, there’s MYRRH!”
The old woman who lived in a shoe won the lottery. She moved to Beverly Heels.
My boss found my folder labeled “Not Safe For Work.” He was didn’t expect to find it full of OSHA violations.
Alpha, Delta, and Omicron walk into a bar and order three Coronas. Bartender says, “That’ll be $20.21.”
I went into the office early this morning and switched the M and N keys on as many keyboards as I could. Some might call me a monster but the rest will definitely call ne a nomster.
Did you hear about the truck full of Vicks VapoRub that jackknifed on the highway? There’s been no congestion for hours.
Had to end things with my massage therapist. She rubbed me the wrong way.
I found a recipe from Morocco for homemade dinner rolls. It called for fresh thyme but mine was dried. I used it anyway. You know, as I reminisce, I really like that old thyme Moroccan roll.
Did you hear about the town that legalized pot but banned alcohol? The residents were left high and dry.
Did you know that Stephen King has a son named Joe? I’m not Joe King, he is.
I’m addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers, but I never reheat them. Just can’t quit cold turkey.
Why was Alexander Hamilton so bad at the decathlon? Because he wouldn’t throw away his shot.
Why are Russian translators in Finland always in such a hurry? Because they’re Russian to Finnish.
A European couple — the woman was Polish, the man from Czechia — failed to turn up after hiking in the Alps. A little while after they went missing, some park rangers found two dead bears, one male, one female, just off the trail. Their bellies were distended. They cut open the she-bear to find the remains of the woman. “You Read More …
This guy stayed on a merry-go-round for three days. He set a whirled record.
Did you know that Teslas don’t have a “new car” smell? They have an Elon Musk.
Know what state has the lowest birth rate? Virginia. How about the state where the computers have become sentient? Delaware.
Dad: knock knock Son: who‘s there? Dad: control freak Dad: this is where you say control freak who
Know what one Japanese man said to the other? I don’t know either, I don’t speak Japanese.
What do you call a Viking who only talks about himself? A Norse-issist.
My new deer cloning business is now accepting applications. It’s for anyone looking to make a quick buck.
– Sheep: Okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together. – Me: What? – Sheep: You herd me.
Man bursts into the doctor’s office. all panicked: “Doctor doctor, I’m shrinking!” Doctor says, “Well sir, you’re just going to have to learn to be a little patient.”
I showed up late to the Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting. All the seats were already taken.
According to the chocolate Advent calendar I bought yesterday, there are only three days until Christmas.
I’m currently on a restaurant date with a female boxer. She’s going for the ribs. I might try a duck.
Instead of a swear jar I have a pessimism jar. Every time I have a negative thought I put a coin in. It’s currently half empty.
It’s physically impossible to swim in guacamole. You can only have a dip.
The inventors of the Ferris wheel and the merry-go-round never met. They traveled in different circles.
At the hospital I was admitted to, apple pie costs $2 a slice, pumpkin $3, and blueberry $4. Those are the pie-rates of the care-I-be-in.
They all laughed when I announced my career change to specialize in dad jokes. Well, nobody’s laughing now.
Our dentist sponsored my kids’ Little League team, so when they won the championship they were expecting a big trophy. But all they got was a little plaque.
Have you ever considered how good-looking the second letter of the word “hive” is? I’ve always said that beauty is in the “i” of the bee holder.
– “Doctor Doctor, I only ever hear half of what’s being said!” – “Let’s put that to the test. Repeat after me: sixty-six.” – “Thirty-three!”
Many people in Germany, fearing another Covid spike, are buying up cheese and sausages. Preparing for a wurst kase scenario.
Why does Covid-19 spread so rapidly in the pirate community? Because of the high arrrr value.
What sound does an airplane make when it bounces on landing? Boeing, boeing, boeing.
Why are haunted ships the most efficient? Because they run with a skeleton crew.
I just ended a 5 year relationship… — OMG are you okay? — I’m fine, it wasn’t my relationship.
Digging tunnels deep underground, using complex machinery, sounds fascinating. But it’s really boring.
Why has this Covid situation been especially stressful on the Flat Earth society? Even though last year they were excited about flattening the curve, long-term they fear that social distancing measures could actually push people over the edge.
What do bakers say when they’ve forgotten to put their bread in the oven? D’ough!
My wife hates how I always pretend we are on walkie-talkies. Wife: Our relationship is over. Me: Our relationship is what? Over.
How do you hide a new video game before Christmas? You put the cartridge in a pear tree.
Scientists have found a dwarf species of axolotl. They’ve named it the axolitl.
My grandfather brought down 23 German planes in WW-II. Worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
The archeologist made a big mistake: He thought he’d found a Pharaoh’s tomb, but it was just some old Giza.
Penguins produce an oil that helps their feathers retain heat. The oily bird gets the warm.
What would you call someone who’s a wizard at weightlifting? Albus Dumbbelldore.
I was gonna hold off making a joke about superconductors… But I just couldn’t resist.
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doc, I keep having delusions that I’m a goat. Ever since I was a kid…”
Know why electric cars are so expensive? Because they charge a lot.
To whoever stole my elevator joke: I know what you’re up to.
My friend is quite the inventor. He’s managed to create a lightbulb powered only by wordplays. Now he’s got a socket full of punshine.
It’s against the rules for NFL players to own a duck. It’s a personal fowl.
Professional mirror photography. It’s a job I could really see myself doing.
Ever used WD40 to get rid of mice? It doesn’t work, but it does stop them squeaking.
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again. Man, I sure am lucky! I mean, first I win the lottery and now this!
I keep calling my wife Delilah even though her name is Delia. I keep calling our lawn “the green, green grass of home.” And worst of all, every time I see a cat, I can’t help but ask, “What’s new, pussycat?” It turns out I have Tom Jones Syndrome. My doctor says it’s not unusual.
We started a band and called it “Books.” So no one can judge us by our covers.
What do you call a woman with a bottle opener in one hand, a knife in the other hand, a pair of scissors under her arm, and a corkscrew behind her ear? Swiss Army Wife.
Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives.
My doctor diagnosed me with a chronic tomato sauce deficiency. He prescribed medical marinara.
Know what it takes to be able to tell a dad joke? You have to be a groan man.
How is a moose different from an ant? Moose have antlers but ants don’t have mooselers.
When we moved into my new igloo our friends threw a house-warming party. Now we’re homeless.
They’re releasing a tenth installment of the Fast & Furious franchise. It’ll be called “Fast Ten: Your Seat Belts.”
How many clickbait articles does it take to change a light bulb? The answer will shock you!
A friend invited me to a feather-themed fancy dress party. “Sure,” I said. “I’m down.”
What sport needs a life jacket, a paddle, and a ball of yarn? Whitewater crafting.
I just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they all use gaslighting.
I had to stop going to the local comedy coffee shop. Too much brew ha ha.
Know what the judge said to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?
A frog got his DNA tested. Turns out he’s part Irish, part British, and a tad Pole.
I know why YouTube constantly recommends videos of dancing former Vice Presidents. It’s just the Al Gore rhythm.
I created a dating app for chickens. It’s not my day job, it’s just to make hens meet.
Archaeologists are having a party to celebrate unearthing the largest dinosaur tibia ever found. It’s going to be quite the shindig.
I heard that cricket matches can last for days. No rest for the wicket, I suppose.
Why do astronomers add ground beef to their shampoo? So they can have meatier showers.
Does every sentence have to mention some kind of vegetable? Not necesscelery.
I tried donating blood today… never again! Too many questions. Like, “Whose blood is this?”, “How did you get it?”, “Why is it in a bucket?”
It’s important to wear glasses during math class. It improves division.
Never buy lettuce from The Mamas and The Papas Grocery. All the leaves are brown.
You know what font they use for the letter noodles in alphabet soup? Times New Ramen.
Back in the 80s, I’d often dress up nicely, go out and order dinner for one, see movies alone, take long solitary walks… Wow, I’m really dating myself.
Know what they call the soft, sweet cheese served at American stock car racing tracks? NASCARpone.
Batman invited all the superheroes for a discussion on Bitcoin, but Superman didn’t show up. Because it was crypto night.
Do I have to keep making dad jokes? The short answer is No. The long answer is Nnnnnnnnnoooooooo.
My wife Dorothy left me because of my obsession with Morse code. I said, “Please don’t dash, Dot!”
Know where elderly Egyptian guys gathered in the ancient kingdom? At the Great Pyramid of Geezer.
Every night at 8:50 sharp my wrist starts hurting. Doctor diagnosed a case of ten-to-ninetis.
Did you know athlete’s foot only occurs in the US? Everywhere else it’s athlete’s meter.
I grilled a chicken for two hours. It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road.
I have an irrational fear of over-designed buildings. It’s a complex complex complex.
It’s a shame nothing is made in the USA anymore. I just bought a TV that said “Built in Antenna.” I don’t even know where that is!
Know why it’s a bad idea to iron your four-leaf clover? You shouldn’t press your luck.
Doc, it hurts when I poke myself on the shoulder and when I poke myself on the forehead and when I poke myself on the thigh. Doctor: Your finger is broken.
My girlfriend said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So I bought her a candle.
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb? One. They’re very efficient, and not particularly funny.
My mom was a radiologist, and she met my dad when he came in for an x‑ray. I wonder what she saw in him.
Two tectonic plates bumped into one another. They both said “Sorry, my fault.”
Never lie to an x‑ray techician. They can see right through you.
“Dad, how did you trim the hedges so straight?” “With cutting hedge technology.”
My doctor said I have a bladder infection. I asked him what that means and he replied, “Urine trouble.”
My wife says I’m useless at fixing electrical appliances. Well, she’s in for a shock.
Why did the Red Army have so many excellent snipers? It’s because they were all Marx men.
Know why Cinderella was kicked off the soccer team? She kept running away from the ball.
I woke up this morning to find two birds sitting in the sun in the backyard eating ice cream. They were Basking Robins.
My girlfriend changed a lot since she became vegan. It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
I had to give a presentation on playgrounds. There were lots of slides.
At first I despised sheltering in place, but now I love it. I think it’s stuck-home syndrome.
I exercise by running up the street and knocking on all the doors. Jehovah’s Fitness.
The CEO of IKEA was just elected prime minister of Sweden. It’ll take him a week to assemble his cabinet.
The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a tune. But the Chick Peas can only hummus one.
Went to an open-air cafe yesterday and it rained. Took me an hour to eat my soup.
Robert de Niro is asked if he has any family in Salt Lake City, and he growls, “Utah kin to me?”
An American, a Frenchman, a Mexican, and a German were all attending a Zoom meeting. The supervisor asked, “Can you all see me OK?” To which they answered, “Yes” “Oui” “Si” “Ja.”
I went to an orthodontist who only charged me $1. That’s why I have buck teeth.
My neighbor came over to borrow some spaghetti and asked what she owed me. I said, “It’ll cost you a pretty penne.”
My stimulus check came on St. Patrick’s Day. That’s what I call the luck of the IRS.
I was interrogating a crab and I asked it, “What’s your name? Where do you live? What’s that on your back?” It said: “Michelle.”
I had a dream where I was being chased by a huge pair of shoes. Catching up to me was no small feet.
My wife has the weirdest abacus tattoo on her back. But I can always count on her.
My doctor has advised me to stop drinking. It’s going to be a massive change for me, I’ve been with that doctor for 15 years.
I went into the kitchen this morning and there was a “Get Better Soon” card on the table for me. I called out to my wife asking what it was for because I wasn’t sick. She shouted back from the other room, “It’s an ultimatum.”
Google is so useless. I’ve been searching for lighters — it showed 3,580,642 matches instead.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? The chicken hadn’t evolved yet.
The punchline always comes before the joke. What is the worst part about time travel jokes?
My wife took off with a tractor salesman. Left me with a John Deere letter.
A garbage man was doing the rounds one morning. He came to a house where there was no bin out front, but there was a man sitting on the porch. — G‘man: “Hey! Where’s ya bin?” Guy: “I’ve been in Florida.” — G‘man: “No, no. I meant where’s ya wheely bin?” Guy: “I’ve really been in jail but I tell everyone I’ve Read More …
I come from a family of magicians, which may be why I have two half sisters.
My dad found out that I had an imaginary girlfriend. Dad: “You can do much better, you know!” Me: “Thanks Dad. That means so much to me.” Dad: “I was talking to her.”
Just had an officer at the door saying he was looking for a man with one eye. Told him he’d probably find him a lot quicker if he used both.
I have a jar where I put in a quarter every time I have a negative thought. It’s half empty.
In the old days, excessive use of commas was considered a serious crime. It usually resulted in a long sentence. (h/t Nathaniel Moore)
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.
A truck carrying toupees jacknifed on the highway, scattering its cargo. Police are combing the area.
A new strain of head lice has appeared that is resistant to conventional treatments. This has left scientists scratching their heads.
What do you call big black birds that stick together? Velcrows.
You know how some ancient tombs have money or valuables buried with their inhabitants? That’s the first cryptocurrency.
I had mono in college. Went to the doctor today with similar symptoms but twice as bad… Turns out I have stereo.
H20 is inside a fire hydrant, but on the outside there’s only K9P.
I asked the librarian if she knew the author of a dinosaur book. She said try Sarah Topps.
I used to get small shocks every time I touched metal objects, but I don’t anymore. I’m just ex-static.
My experiment of cross-breeding a rooster with a Slinky has failed. Alas, I’ve no spring chicken.
Know what you call someone who can’t stop watching films with a strong female lead? Heroine addict.
What do you call bears with no teeth? (Gummy bears.) What do you call bears with no ears? (B.)
I work as a tattoo artist in a wellness center making very specific designs, and everyone is really surprised when I tell them that I’m also a doctor. Nobody expects the spa niche ink physician.
I’ve always wanted to tap my neighbors’ maple tree, but he wouldn’t give me permission. Think I could do it syruptitiously?
I met my wife at a travel agency. She was looking for a vacation and I was her last resort.
I refuse to do drugs harder than cocaine. Got to draw the line somewhere.
I hope Elon Musk never gets into a scandal… Elon-gate would be really drawn out.
Know what you call a komodo dragon who runs a casino? The lizard of odds.
I got the words “Jacuzzi” and “Yakuza” confused. Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
I jokingly told the X‑ray technician that I don’t believe in X‑rays. But she saw right through me.
I was walking with 18 cows from one ranch to another and took a shortcut through a vineyard. I herded through the grapevine.
I found an old vinyl record of insect sounds and put it on, expecting relaxing ambient background like cicadas and such. But all I got was a droning buzz. That’s when I realized I was playing the bee side.
Police are looking for a man selling marijuana to seabirds. Eyewitness said he left no tern unstoned.
Scene: a 13th-century feudal uprising. Rebels are besieging the castle. They manage to kill the eldest son of the Duke by knocking him off the ramparts with a lucky trebuchet volley, using as a payload the severed head of a peasant. It was the first serf-face-to-heir missile. (h/t John Garison)
Anyone want some old copies of Chiropractic Monthly? I’ve got loads of back issues.
One of my earliest memories is seeing my mother’s face through the oven window. As we played hide and seek and she said, “You’re getting warmer.” (h/t Milton Jones)
There’s an Amazon forest but no Microsoft forest – know why that is? It’s been logged out.
Texas Prisoner Found Dead After Consuming Smuggled Fish Eggs. Died on Death Roe.
My roommate had a combined Burns Night and Chinese New Year party he called Chinese Burns Night. I wasn’t going to go, but he twisted my arm.
My friend became a monk recently. I asked him if he’d taken a vow of silence, but he didn’t answer. I guess it goes without saying.
Know what you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills? Bernadette.
I was in a contest where you lost if you talked. It was quite the competion, to say the least.
If anyone has a suggestion on how to reverse the spell that turned me into corn… I’m all ears.
My friend the snake charmer is marrying an undertaker. As a wedding gift I bought them some “Hiss and Hearse” towels.
I asked my dad if gay people should get married and he said, “Haven’t they suffered enough?”
What do you call someone who points out the obvious? Someone who points out the obvious.
A chicken and a duck are standing by the side of a road. Chicken clucks to his friend, “Don’t do it mate, you’ll never hear the end of it.”
Did you know that ancient Greeks would shave their heads before the Olympics to run faster? Modern historians call it balderdash.
Know what Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name.
Apparently one in three Britons is conceived in an IKEA bed, which is mad because those places are really well lit. (h/t Mark Smith)
I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point? (h/t Alexei Sayle)
My wife’s hairdresser wanted her to sign a long-term service agreement before setting up an appointment, but she refused. Just couldn’t accept all those perms and conditions.
You know how they throw the ball into the crowd after they win the game? Apparently that’s not allowed in bowling. I know that now.
You know why we tell actors “Break a leg,” don’t you? Because every play has a cast.
The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees”… But now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
My New Year’s resolution is to get in shape. I choose round. (h/t Sarah Millican)
The College Board is phasing out the essay portion of the SAT. Henceforth the test will be known as the T.
My wife says she’s divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas. But will she leave? Find out next week.
Doctor said I’m at risk of a heart attack due to high sodium intake. I took what he said with a grain of salt.
If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that. (h/t Milton Jones)
I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again. (h/t Tim Vine)
When a Jehovah’s Witness dies, does Heaven turn out the lights and pretend nobody’s home?
The Invisible Man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
I said to the gym instructor, “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.” (h/t Tim Vine)