A while ago I thought my wife was going to leave me because of my bad pos­ture. It was just a hunch.

I went to a Star Trek con­ven­tion dressed as a tree… I was the captain’s log.

What’s the dif­fer­ence between bird flu and swine flu? One requires tweet­ment and the oth­er, oink­ment.

I’ve decid­ed to quit my job as a per­son­al train­er because I’m not big enough or strong enough. Just hand­ed in my too weak notice.

I went on a once-in-a-life­­­time vaca­tion. Nev­er again.

Sci­en­tists have recent­ly record­ed the sound of two heli­um atoms laugh­ing. HeHe

Who said, “Com­ing are the British! Com­ing are the British!”? Paul Reverse.

What do Ger­man snakes say? ßßßßßßßßß

What do you call left­over let­tuce? The romaines.

If Ben Franklin were still alive today, what would he be best known for? Prob­a­bly his age.

Can you teach your­self telepa­thy? I would love to hear your thoughts.

Just found out my child­hood house had mar­ble coun­ter­tops. The whole time I took them for gran­ite.

I think my wife is leav­ing me because of my obses­sion with sim­pli­fy­ing frac­tions. Oh well, hind­sight is 1.

Movie pitch: A pan­dem­ic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas. Glob­al chaos ensues as the dis­ease wipes out 99% of human­i­ty. Des­per­ate sur­vivors fight for sur­vival in a post-alpaca lip tick waste­land.

My friends don’t know that I’m actu­al­ly the shape-shift­ing Norse god of may­hem and mis­chief. I keep it Loki.

I recent­ly inden­tured myself to a dol­phin. It’s hard work, but at least I serve a por­poise.

Where do mansplain­ers get their water? From a well, actu­al­ly…

My wife com­pos­es songs about sewing machines. She’s a Singer song­writer, or sew it seams.

My ex-wife still miss­es me. But her aim is improv­ing.

Bet you can’t name two crus­taceans that are only found in Lon­don. Here they are: Kings Crus­tacean and Char­ing Crus­tacean.

My son said: “Dad, once I reach 99 pounds, I will eat one pound of nachos. Then I will be 99% your son and 1% nacho son.”

What’s the dif­fer­ence between Gor­don Ramsay’s favorite dish and a slow-run­n­ing com­put­er? One is a rack of lamb and the oth­er is a lack of RAM.

Know what you call a fear of giants? Feefi­pho­bia.

I’m nev­er sure if I like rock­ing chairs or not. I go back and forth on them.

I want to open a sand­wich shop called Sal­vador Deli. We’ll spe­cial­ize in melts.

Where do sheep get their hair­cut? The baa-baa shop.

When the drum­mer re-record­ed his drum solo… there were reper­cus­sions.

Two women were shar­ing the same ID card. Sharon is Karen.

I saw a cou­ple of boys on my street steal­ing a gate. I didn’t say any­thing in case they took a fence.

Has any­one been to Engage­ment, Ohio? It’s a lit­tle place between Day­ton and Mar­i­on.

Big­foot is some­times con­fused with Sasquatch, Yeti nev­er com­plains.

To the per­son who stole my bro­ken bath­room scale: You won’t get a weigh with this!

I told my ther­a­pist, “Last night I had a night­mare that I was fight­ing Jason Bourne and Will Hunt­ing at the same time.” She replied, “I’m glad that you are final­ly bat­tling your Damons.”

I was fired from the key­board fac­to­ry yes­ter­day. They said I was­n’t putting in enough shifts.

Why are police­men in Lon­don so tall? Because they’re paid by the Yard.

They had to fire the new guy at the orange juice fac­to­ry. He couldn’t con­cen­trate. (h/t Mon­ty Solomon)

What’s the dif­fer­ence between Amer­i­can dogs and British dogs? An Amer­i­can dog pants while the British dogs trousers.

There are two types of peo­ple in this world: Peo­ple who fin­ish what they start­ed.

I used to work at a fac­to­ry that makes fire hydrants. How­ev­er, you couldn’t park any­where near the place.

I found out my girl­friend is real­ly a ghost. I had my sus­pi­cions the moment she walked through the door.

My 4‑year-old son has been learn­ing Span­ish all year and he still can’t say the phrase for “please.” Which I think is poor for four.

I just got offered a job teach­ing lit­er­a­ture in prison. Spent all night think­ing about the prose and cons.

Evo­lu­tion is so strange. Dol­phins start­ed off as sea crea­tures, then evolved to have legs, only to return to the sea even­tu­al­ly and lose them. Kin­da defeets the por­poise, don’t you think?

Today my son asked me if I had seen the new movie “The Truck.” I answered, “No, but I saw the trail­er yes­ter­day.”

I sat down for din­ner at a restau­rant, and the wait­er asked me, “Do you want to hear today’s spe­cial?” I said, “Yes please.” Wait­er: “No prob­lem, sir. Today is spe­cial.”

My girl­friend asked if we could have an old movie night and watch “Gaslight.” I told her “We already watched that togeth­er, don’t you remem­ber?”

Know how peo­ple in San Anto­nio like their pie? Alam­o’d.

A bossy man goes into a bar. He orders every­one a round.

Know why the Jedi don’t have a navy? Because sail­ing is a path to the dock­side.

The rea­son Super­man can’t defeat Drac­u­la… is because he can’t go near the crypt tonight.

My friend couldn’t afford to pay his water bill. I sent him a “Get well soon” card.

I made a song about Covid-19. It’s super catchy.

My friend was real­ly proud of his British her­itage until he found out that his great grand­fa­ther was from Tran­syl­va­nia. Now he can’t even look at him­self in the mir­ror.

If a Viking is rein­car­nat­ed, is he Bjorn again?

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked: “Do you ever get a shoot­ing pain across your body, like some­one’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stab­bing it?” I replied, “No…” She respond­ed, “How about now?”

I have a rac­ing goose for sale. Let me know if you wan­na take a quick gan­der.

A local bar­ber got arrest­ed for sell­ing drugs. Blew my mind. I’ve been his cus­tomer for years, had no idea he was a bar­ber.

Peo­ple should wear dif­fer­ent deodor­ants, one under each armpit. That’s just my two scents.

Ath­letes get athlete’s foot, but astro­nauts just get mis­sile toe.

Ath­letes get athlete’s foot, but astro­nauts just get mis­sile toe.

I final­ly got my wife to watch Back to the Future. I told her it’s about time.

A mime was arrest­ed yes­ter­day after break­ing his left arm in a bar fight. He still has the right to remain silent.

My wife asked me to pass her lip­stick but I acci­den­tal­ly passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t speak­ing to me.

Know what you call the boss at Old McDonald’s Farm? The CIEIO.

If you want to make some easy mon­ey, just take pho­tographs of salmon dressed in human clothes. It’s like shoot­ing fish in appar­el.

Have you ever used a tele­scope? It’s great fun. You should look into it. (h/t Mon­ty Solomon)

The Dis­trict Attorney’s team always goes out for Mex­i­can when they’re immersed in a dif­fi­cult pros­e­cu­tion. When they need to get some case ideas.

My girl­friend is the square root of ‑100. She’s a per­fect 10, but imag­i­nary.

Do row­ers have a favorite side to row on? Or is it an either oar sit­u­a­tion?

I coined a new word today: pla­gia­rism.

The rea­son that cows have hooves and not feet? It’s because they lac­tose.

A rea­son why you should take up marathon train­ing: it will help you in the long run.

My broth­er and I make Drac­u­la action fig­ures for a liv­ing, and we are on a real­ly tight dead­line. I have to make every sec­ond Count.

This week on Danc­ing With the Tsars: Peter & Cather­ine were great, Ivan was ter­ri­ble, and Boris was Godunov.

What did Yoda say the first time he saw him­self in 4K res­o­lu­tion? “HDMI.” (h/t Mon­ty Solomon)

A Freudi­an slip is when you say one thing but mean your moth­er.

If you time-trav­el back to rev­o­lu­tion­ary France and end up under the guil­lo­tine… you real­ly will be a head of your time.

In col­lege, I used to live on a house­boat, and start­ed see­ing the girl next door. Even­tu­al­ly we drift­ed apart.

Tablets were replaced by scrolls. Scrolls were replaced by books. Now we scroll through books on tablets.

Have you seen the new Chi­nese / Mediter­ranean restau­rant start­ed by that guy from Cairo? It’s called Wok Like an Egypt­ian.

I got thrown out of the park for mea­sur­ing the squir­rels. Guess they didn’t want me crit­ter siz­ing.

For her birth­day, I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there look­ing at the trees for half an hour. Not the Apple Watch she was expect­ing appar­ent­ly.

You know why the wolf med­i­tates, right? To become aware wolf.

Researchers have final­ly nar­rowed in on where knots were first invent­ed: Tie-land.

Know why you don’t see ants in church­es? Because they are in sects.

Black holes are where God divid­ed by zero. (h/t Steven Wright)

Know where Noah kept his bees? In the ark hives.

- Why did the chick­en cross the road? — Dun­no… — To get to the fool’s house. Knock, knock. — Who’s there? — Buk buk b’KAWWKK

— Hey dad, have you seen my sun­glass­es? — No son, have you seen my dad­glass­es?

Pro tip: to stop Cana­di­an bacon from curl­ing in a fry­ing pan — take away its tiny lit­tle brooms.

A semi­colon broke the law; he was giv­en two con­sec­u­tive sen­tences.

Last year it cer­tain­ly wasn’t much fun hav­ing a bro­ken neck. But now I can look back and laugh.

How do tiny Japan­ese dogs say hel­lo? Konichi­huahua.

My boss said to me, “You’re the worst train dri­ver I’ve ever seen. How many have you derailed this week?” I said, “Hon­est­ly sir, I don’t know. It’s hard for me to keep track.”

What do you call a con­vert­ible that shows no mer­cy? Roof­less.

I can’t stop mak­ing jokes about den­im. It’s in my jeans.

My wife says I’m addict­ed to auc­tions but she’s wrong. I actu­al­ly stopped after going once… going twice…

Did you know you can hear blood flow­ing close to the skin? You just have to lis­ten vari­cose­ly.

My ther­a­pist told me that I’m inca­pable of ver­bal­iz­ing my feel­ings. Can’t say I’m sur­prised.

Here’s how the doc­tors cured the invis­i­ble man: They took him to the ICU.