A while ago I thought my wife was going to leave me because of my bad posture. It was just a hunch.
I went to a Star Trek convention dressed as a tree… I was the captain’s log.
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other, oinkment.
I’ve decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I’m not big enough or strong enough. Just handed in my too weak notice.
Scientists have recently recorded the sound of two helium atoms laughing. HeHe
If Ben Franklin were still alive today, what would he be best known for? Probably his age.
Just found out my childhood house had marble countertops. The whole time I took them for granite.
I think my wife is leaving me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions. Oh well, hindsight is 1.
Movie pitch: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas. Global chaos ensues as the disease wipes out 99% of humanity. Desperate survivors fight for survival in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.
My friends don’t know that I’m actually the shape-shifting Norse god of mayhem and mischief. I keep it Loki.
I recently indentured myself to a dolphin. It’s hard work, but at least I serve a porpoise.
My wife composes songs about sewing machines. She’s a Singer songwriter, or sew it seams.
Bet you can’t name two crustaceans that are only found in London. Here they are: Kings Crustacean and Charing Crustacean.
My son said: “Dad, once I reach 99 pounds, I will eat one pound of nachos. Then I will be 99% your son and 1% nacho son.”
What’s the difference between Gordon Ramsay’s favorite dish and a slow-running computer? One is a rack of lamb and the other is a lack of RAM.
I want to open a sandwich shop called Salvador Deli. We’ll specialize in melts.
I saw a couple of boys on my street stealing a gate. I didn’t say anything in case they took a fence.
Has anyone been to Engagement, Ohio? It’s a little place between Dayton and Marion.
To the person who stole my broken bathroom scale: You won’t get a weigh with this!
I told my therapist, “Last night I had a nightmare that I was fighting Jason Bourne and Will Hunting at the same time.” She replied, “I’m glad that you are finally battling your Damons.”
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday. They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Why are policemen in London so tall? Because they’re paid by the Yard.
They had to fire the new guy at the orange juice factory. He couldn’t concentrate. (h/t Monty Solomon)
What’s the difference between American dogs and British dogs? An American dog pants while the British dogs trousers.
There are two types of people in this world: People who finish what they started.
I used to work at a factory that makes fire hydrants. However, you couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost. I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
My 4‑year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can’t say the phrase for “please.” Which I think is poor for four.
I just got offered a job teaching literature in prison. Spent all night thinking about the prose and cons.
Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to return to the sea eventually and lose them. Kinda defeets the porpoise, don’t you think?
Today my son asked me if I had seen the new movie “The Truck.” I answered, “No, but I saw the trailer yesterday.”
I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, “Do you want to hear today’s special?” I said, “Yes please.” Waiter: “No problem, sir. Today is special.”
My girlfriend asked if we could have an old movie night and watch “Gaslight.” I told her “We already watched that together, don’t you remember?”
Know why the Jedi don’t have a navy? Because sailing is a path to the dockside.
The reason Superman can’t defeat Dracula… is because he can’t go near the crypt tonight.
My friend couldn’t afford to pay his water bill. I sent him a “Get well soon” card.
My friend was really proud of his British heritage until he found out that his great grandfather was from Transylvania. Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked: “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?” I replied, “No…” She responded, “How about now?”
A local barber got arrested for selling drugs. Blew my mind. I’ve been his customer for years, had no idea he was a barber.
People should wear different deodorants, one under each armpit. That’s just my two scents.
Athletes get athlete’s foot, but astronauts just get missile toe.
Athletes get athlete’s foot, but astronauts just get missile toe.
I finally got my wife to watch Back to the Future. I told her it’s about time.
A mime was arrested yesterday after breaking his left arm in a bar fight. He still has the right to remain silent.
My wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t speaking to me.
If you want to make some easy money, just take photographs of salmon dressed in human clothes. It’s like shooting fish in apparel.
Have you ever used a telescope? It’s great fun. You should look into it. (h/t Monty Solomon)
The District Attorney’s team always goes out for Mexican when they’re immersed in a difficult prosecution. When they need to get some case ideas.
My girlfriend is the square root of ‑100. She’s a perfect 10, but imaginary.
Do rowers have a favorite side to row on? Or is it an either oar situation?
A reason why you should take up marathon training: it will help you in the long run.
My brother and I make Dracula action figures for a living, and we are on a really tight deadline. I have to make every second Count.
This week on Dancing With the Tsars: Peter & Catherine were great, Ivan was terrible, and Boris was Godunov.
What did Yoda say the first time he saw himself in 4K resolution? “HDMI.” (h/t Monty Solomon)
If you time-travel back to revolutionary France and end up under the guillotine… you really will be a head of your time.
In college, I used to live on a houseboat, and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually we drifted apart.
Tablets were replaced by scrolls. Scrolls were replaced by books. Now we scroll through books on tablets.
Have you seen the new Chinese / Mediterranean restaurant started by that guy from Cairo? It’s called Wok Like an Egyptian.
I got thrown out of the park for measuring the squirrels. Guess they didn’t want me critter sizing.
For her birthday, I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there looking at the trees for half an hour. Not the Apple Watch she was expecting apparently.
Researchers have finally narrowed in on where knots were first invented: Tie-land.
- Why did the chicken cross the road? — Dunno… — To get to the fool’s house. Knock, knock. — Who’s there? — Buk buk b’KAWWKK
— Hey dad, have you seen my sunglasses? — No son, have you seen my dadglasses?
Pro tip: to stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan — take away its tiny little brooms.
Last year it certainly wasn’t much fun having a broken neck. But now I can look back and laugh.
My boss said to me, “You’re the worst train driver I’ve ever seen. How many have you derailed this week?” I said, “Honestly sir, I don’t know. It’s hard for me to keep track.”
My wife says I’m addicted to auctions but she’s wrong. I actually stopped after going once… going twice…
Did you know you can hear blood flowing close to the skin? You just have to listen varicosely.
My therapist told me that I’m incapable of verbalizing my feelings. Can’t say I’m surprised.