Portfolio

Little anty-bodies

Know why you don’t see ants in church­es? Because they are in sects.

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Anti-de Sitter

Black holes are where God divid­ed by zero. (h/t Steven Wright)

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Two by two thousand

Know where Noah kept his bees? In the ark hives.

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Asked & answered

- Why did the chick­en cross the road? — Dun­no… — To get to the fool’s house. Knock, knock. — Who’s there? — Buk buk b’KAWWKK

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Shady

— Hey dad, have you seen my sun­glass­es? — No son, have you seen my dad­glass­es?

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Bacon eh

Pro tip: to stop Cana­di­an bacon from curl­ing in a fry­ing pan — take away its tiny lit­tle brooms.

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Semi-tough

A semi­colon broke the law; he was giv­en two con­sec­u­tive sen­tences.

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Hindsight

Last year it cer­tain­ly wasn’t much fun hav­ing a bro­ken neck. But now I can look back and laugh.

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Tiny little kimonos

How do tiny Japan­ese dogs say hel­lo? Konichi­huahua.

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Caught the Katy

My boss said to me, “You’re the worst train dri­ver I’ve ever seen. How many have you derailed this week?” I said, “Hon­est­ly sir, I don’t know. It’s hard for me to keep track.”

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Ragtop

What do you call a con­vert­ible that shows no mer­cy? Roof­less.

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And spelled backwards is DNA

I can’t stop mak­ing jokes about den­im. It’s in my jeans.

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Sold

My wife says I’m addict­ed to auc­tions but she’s wrong. I actu­al­ly stopped after going once… going twice…

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State of the artery

Did you know you can hear blood flow­ing close to the skin? You just have to lis­ten vari­cose­ly.

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Use your words

My ther­a­pist told me that I’m inca­pable of ver­bal­iz­ing my feel­ings. Can’t say I’m sur­prised.

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Peekaboo

Here’s how the doc­tors cured the invis­i­ble man: They took him to the ICU.

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That too

Know what caus­es high tides? Sea weed.

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Gluten free

When peo­ple mis­spell bare­ly as bar­ley, they’re not mak­ing a mis­take. They’re just going against the grain.

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Giddyap

Back in the old days only the rich could afford auto­mo­biles while the com­mon peo­ple had hors­es. Now only the rich­est have hors­es while almost every­one has an auto­mo­bile. How the sta­bles have turned.

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Sticky situation

I think there’s some­thing wrong with the cac­tus I’m grow­ing… but I can’t put my fin­ger on it.

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Red convertible

The 40 year old health care work­er who cares for new­borns start­ed ques­tion­ing her career choic­es, then flipped out and left town. Hav­ing a mid­wife cri­sis.

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Just diet

I’m writ­ing a book on weight loss. I hope it will appeal to a wide audi­ence.

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Nimble

You know why French snails are faster than Amer­i­can ones? L’ess car­go.

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Shut up and calculate

Quan­tum mechan­ics: The dreams stuff is made of. (h/t Steven Wright)

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Give the dog a bone

A Mafia hit-man was arrest­ed for killing some­one in a rice field with a porce­lain fig­urine. The police said it was the first known case of a knick knack pad­dy whack.

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I want my

I know this farmer who spent his stim­u­lus check on baby chick­ens. Got his mon­ey for noth­ing and his chicks for free. (h/t Mark Gibbs)

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LTA

My friend final­ly over­came his addic­tion to Thanks­giv­ing left­overs. He quit cold turkey.

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Looking sharp

I used to work at a cut­lery store, but I quit. No more Mr. Knife Guy.

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Plebiscite

Who wants to watch a pup­pet show, minus the pup­pets? Let’s see a show of hands.

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Soundscape

Know why pigeon nois­es don’t echo? Because a coo sticks.

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Squid ink

The sword­fish has few preda­tors in the wild, except for the rarely seen pen­fish, which is said to be even might­i­er.

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Later

I used to be addict­ed to time trav­el, but that’s all in the past now.

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Food chain

All those small dead crus­taceans by the side of the high­way? Road­krill.

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Stakeholder

The guy run­ning my town is awful. He doesn’t respond to phone calls because he only works after dark. He’s a total night may­or.

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Time will tell

My teacher said I’d nev­er amount to much because of my pro­cras­ti­na­tion. I told her, “Just you wait!”

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Apex

I buy all my guns from a guy they call T‑Rex. He’s a small arms deal­er.

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Continental

I called the Incon­ti­nence Hot­line num­ber. The voice said, “Please hold.”

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73 & 88

I offend­ed my girl­friend so I wrote her an apol­o­gy in dots and dash­es. Remorse code.

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Combat boots

The eas­i­est time to add insult to injury is when you’re sign­ing somebody’s cast. (h/t Demetri Mar­tin)

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Spotlight

Here’s a pic­ture of me with R.E.M. That’s me in the cor­ner. (h/t Mil­ton Jones)

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Flat out

What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steam­roller? “Curs­es! Foil again!”

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Déjà vie

Know what it’s called when you die and are born again as a hill­bil­ly? Rein­tar­na­tion.

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Sit up straight

Did you see the joke I post­ed recent­ly about my spine? It was about a weak back.

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Repo man

I didn’t pay the priest for the exor­cism, so I got repos­sessed.

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So I sea

What col­or are mil­i­tary sub­marines? Deep navy.

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Hold my parrot

A pirate who does inte­ri­or paint­ing? That’d be a swatch-buck­­­ler.

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Fly away home

Did you know that there are no canaries in the Canary Islands? The same thing applies with the Vir­gin Islands. There are no canaries there either.

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Show me

Know why the peo­ple is St. Louis are so hos­pitable? Mis­souri loves com­pa­ny.

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Much at stake

Dracula’s favourite type of cof­fee? Decof­fi­nat­ed.

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Tithonian actually

What do you call a pig from the dinosaur age? Juras­sic pork.

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Fly me to the moon

I lost my job sell­ing cars after the first day, when a cus­tomer asked me about car­go space. I said, “Car no do that, car no fly.”

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Désolé pas désolé

I once thanked a French guy to death. It was a mer­ci killing.

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Chapter 7

If an ice-cream fran­chise can’t pay its pow­er bill, it will go into liq­ui­da­tion.

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Needs entropy

Appar­ent­ly you can’t use BEEFSTEW as a pass­word. It’s not Stroganoff.

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Michael knows how

Know how you start a holy fire? With a match made in Heav­en.

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Hazy

My wife asked if she could have some peace and qui­et while she tried to cook din­ner. So I took the bat­ter­ies out of the smoke alarm.

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Up in smoke

I went to the smoke shop only to dis­cov­er that it has been replaced by an appar­el store. Clothes, but no cig­ar.

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On target

I was going to give archery a shot, but there are too many draw­backs.

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Go boom

My friend claims that he can print a gun using his 3D print­er, but I’m not impressed. I have had a Canon print­er for years.

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Hooked

My daughter’s step­dad was the one who took her fish­ing every year grow­ing up. She con­sid­ers him her reel dad.

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Shaken

Know what Daniel Craig and Sean Con­nery do in a bar? Bond. They Bond.

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The new TP

The Lego shop reopens today but I rec­om­mend avoid­ing it at first. Peo­ple will be lined up for blocks.

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How ya gonna keep em

This is going to be the first year that I haven’t tak­en a vaca­tion in Paris, because of the pan­dem­ic. In the past it has always been due to lack of mon­ey.

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CDO

My wife has this weird OCD thing where she arranges the din­ner plates by the year they were bought. It’s an extreme­ly rare dish order.

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You lookin at me

I got into a fight with an employ­ee at my local hard­ware store today. He asked if I want­ed deck­ing. Luck­i­ly I got the first punch in.

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Spirited

I met my wife when she was a whiskey mak­er. I love her still.

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Hold my beer

My wife asked me to clear the table. I need­ed a run­ning start, but I did it.

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I see you

No jok­ing today. I ded­i­cate this post to all who are demon­strat­ing for racial jus­tice. I see you. I hear you. I stand with you.

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Like father

I would like to be a mil­lion­aire just like my dad. He always want­ed to be a mil­lion­aire too.

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Dad to be

After a cou­ple of weeks of try­ing, my wife just told me that she is preg­nant! She has the worst stut­ter ever.

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Clearly now

As a col­or­blind man, I thought I saw red for the first time. Turns out it was only a pig­ment of my imag­i­na­tion.

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Leader eh

Some peo­ple just don’t believe that Justin is the Prime Min­is­ter of Cana­da. It’s Trudeau.

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Singular

What starts with an “e”, ends with an “e” and only has one let­ter in it? An enve­lope. What starts with an “t”, ends with a “t” and only has “t” in it? A teapot.

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Go man go

If he doesn’t appre­ci­ate your fruit jokes… you need to let that man­go.

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I shall return

Just sold my hom­ing pigeons on eBay. For the 22nd time.

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Ghostly

Try­ing to fig­ure out why I’m hav­ing such dif­fi­cul­ty oper­at­ing my door­bell. I just can’t put my fin­ger on it.

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Them’s the rules

I want­ed to mar­ry my Eng­lish teacher when she got out of jail. But appar­ent­ly you’re not allowed to end a sen­tence with a propo­si­tion.

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Breezy

Just returned from my extreme camp­ing trip. It was in tents.

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Flipper

There’s a dis­count to get into the local aquar­i­um as long as you’re either camp­ing or dressed as a dol­phin. So to all in tents and por­pois­es, it’s free.

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Sheepish

I’ve lost my scape­goat. I have nobody to blame but myself.

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Into the fire

I walked into the kitchen this morn­ing and saw that my wife was cook­ing break­fast in her slip­pers again. I thought to myself, “I real­ly should buy her a fry­ing pan.”

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Flight of fancy

Why don’t seag­ulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels.

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May I borrow

Dijon vu — the same mus­tard as before.

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Sleepy

My daugh­ter point­ed to a word on the page and asked, “Is this the Span­ish word for ‘nap’?” “Si, está.”

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Getting away

My wife and I can nev­er agree on vaca­tions. I want to go to exot­ic islands and stay in 5 star hotels. She wants to come with me.

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For your eyes only

The easy way to turn soup into gold? Add 24 car­rots.

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Who you callin bad

There’s a fine line between a Bad Joke and a Dad Joke. You can see it in the mid­dle of the B.

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Wat

My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t real­ly blame him. I wasn’t born until he was an adult.

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All seeing

Conjunctivitis.com — now that’s a site for sore eyes. (h/t Tim Vine)

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Meta line

My father and grand­fa­ther worked for the DMV. I come from a long line of long lines.

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Straight talk

Why do North Kore­ans draw the straight­est lines? Because they have a supreme ruler.

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Shady treatment

If it weren’t for blinds… it would be cur­tains for you.

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By hand

My grand­pa used to say, “When one door clos­es, anoth­er shall open.” Good man, ter­ri­ble cab­i­net mak­er.

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Heaping helping

My grand­ma is 96 years old and she still doesn’t need glass­es. She drinks straight from the bot­tle.

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Like a bad dream

I was going gro­cery shop­ping this morn­ing. They told me latex gloves and a face mask was enough. So I go in the store and what do I see? The oth­ers are still wear­ing a T‑shirt and pants.

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What big teeth

What dinosaur has the health­i­est teeth and gums? Floss-o-rap­­­tor.

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Saddle up

To ride a horse or not to ride a horse, that is eques­tri­an.

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Out out

I used to be addict­ed to soap. But now I’m clean.

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Tusk tusk

What do you get when you cross an ele­phant with a rhinocer­ous? Ele­phi­no.

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No-see-um

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eyed deer.

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