Portfolio

Garbanzo

The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a tune. But the Chick Peas can only hum­mus one.

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Upstream

I crossed a coho salmon with a sock­eye salmon. Got a cock­eyed salmon.

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Old school ties

What do you call a fish wear­ing a bowtie? Sofishticated.

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Signs of spring

Went to an open-air cafe yes­ter­day and it rained. Took me an hour to eat my soup.

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Taxi please

Robert de Niro is asked if he has any fam­i­ly in Salt Lake City, and he growls, “Utah kin to me?”

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Multi culti

An Amer­i­can, a French­man, a Mex­i­can, and a Ger­man where all attend­ing a Zoom meet­ing. The super­vi­sor asked, “Can you all see me OK?” To which they answered, “Yes” “Oui” “Si” “Ja.”

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Bite squad

I went to an ortho­don­tist who only charged me $1. That’s why I have buck teeth.

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Blew right pasta

My neigh­bor came over to bor­row some spaghet­ti and asked what she owed me. I said, “It’ll cost you a pret­ty penne.”

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Dabrichaun

My stim­u­lus check came on St. Patrick’s Day. That’s what I call the luck of the IRS.

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Vont tres bien ensemble

I was inter­ro­gat­ing a crab and I asked it, “What’s your name? Where do you live? What’s that on your back?” It said: “Michelle.”

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Brought to heel

I had a dream where I was being chased by a huge pair of shoes. Catch­ing up to me was no small feet.

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First bat of spring

What do you call Bat­man when he’s bad­ly hurt? Bruised Wayne.

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Going down

I wrote a book on base­ments… it’s on the Best Cel­lars list.

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Dependable

My wife has the weird­est aba­cus tat­too on her back. But I can always count on her.

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Proscription

My doc­tor has advised me to stop drink­ing. It’s going to be a mas­sive change for me, I’ve been with that doc­tor for 15 years.

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Nope

Did you know: in Iran they are pet­ri­fied of spi­ders. But in Iraq, no phobia.

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Well

I went into the kitchen this morn­ing and there was a “Get Bet­ter Soon” card on the table for me. I called out to my wife ask­ing what it was for because I wasn’t sick. She shout­ed back from the oth­er room, “It’s an ultimatum.”

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Misfire

Google is so use­less. I’ve been search­ing for lighters — it showed 3,580,642 match­es instead.

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Watch for impactors

Why did the dinosaur cross the road? The chick­en hadn’t evolved yet.

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But you didn’t get it.

The punch­line always comes before the joke. What is the worst part about time trav­el jokes?

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Nothing runs like…

My wife took off with a trac­tor sales­man. Left me with a John Deere letter.

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Little white lie

A garbage man was doing the rounds one morn­ing. He came to a house where there was no bin out front, but there was a man sit­ting on the porch. — G‘man: “Hey! Where’s ya bin?” Guy: “I’ve been in Flori­da.” — G‘man: “No, no. I meant where’s ya wheely bin?” Guy: “I’ve real­ly been in jail but I tell every­one I’ve been in Florida.”

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Now you see them

I come from a fam­i­ly of magi­cians, which may be why I have two half sisters.

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Burn

My dad found out that I had an imag­i­nary girl­friend. Dad: “You can do much bet­ter, you know!” Me: “Thanks Dad. That means so much to me.” Dad: “I was talk­ing to her.”

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Wide open

Just had an offi­cer at the door say­ing he was look­ing for a man with one eye. Told him he’d prob­a­bly find him a lot quick­er if he used both.

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Mon

Mon­day is Jamaican Day at work. I’m dread­ing it.

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No quarter given

I have a jar where I put in a quar­ter every time I have a neg­a­tive thought. It’s half empty.

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Spliced

In the old days, exces­sive use of com­mas was con­sid­ered a seri­ous crime. It usu­al­ly result­ed in a long sen­tence. (h/t Nathaniel Moore)

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Thousand faces

When I was a kid, my moth­er told me I could be any­one I want­ed to be. Turns out, iden­ti­ty theft is a crime.

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Got it covered

A truck car­ry­ing toupees jack­nifed on the high­way, scat­ter­ing its car­go. Police are comb­ing the area.

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Hidden bodies

A new strain of head lice has appeared that is resis­tant to con­ven­tion­al treat­ments. This has left sci­en­tists scratch­ing their heads.

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Crack

The chiropractor’s to-do list: 1. Get back to work.

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How would you count them?

What do you call big black birds that stick togeth­er? Velcrows.

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Leave me bee

What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabi!

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Yes, wonderful things

You know how some ancient tombs have mon­ey or valu­ables buried with their inhab­i­tants? That’s the first cryptocurrency.

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At least it’s not Covid

I had mono in col­lege. Went to the doc­tor today with sim­i­lar symp­toms but twice as bad… Turns out I have stereo.

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Potassium hypophosphate

H20 is inside a fire hydrant, but on the out­side there’s only K9P.

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Or you could try Dinah Soare

I asked the librar­i­an if she knew the author of a dinosaur book. She said try Sarah Topps.

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Positively

I used to get small shocks every time I touched met­al objects, but I don’t any­more. I’m just ex-static.

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Stay away from stairs

My exper­i­ment of cross-breed­ing a roost­er with a Slinky has failed. Alas, I’ve no spring chicken.

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Is it any wonder

Know what you call some­one who can’t stop watch­ing films with a strong female lead? Hero­ine addict.

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Canon fire

What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer? Father-in-law.

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Mellow

I didn’t mean to take so much of my anx­i­ety med­ica­tion. It was Xanax-ident.

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Unbearable

What do you call bears with no teeth? (Gum­my bears.) What do you call bears with no ears? (B.)

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The full Monty

I work as a tat­too artist in a well­ness cen­ter mak­ing very spe­cif­ic designs, and every­one is real­ly sur­prised when I tell them that I’m also a doc­tor. Nobody expects the spa niche ink physician.

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I want my Maypo

I’ve always want­ed to tap my neigh­bors’ maple tree, but he wouldn’t give me per­mis­sion. Think I could do it syruptitiously?

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Get away

I met my wife at a trav­el agency. She was look­ing for a vaca­tion and I was her last resort.

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Sand which is there

I refuse to do drugs hard­er than cocaine. Got to draw the line somewhere.

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Stretching it

I hope Elon Musk nev­er gets into a scan­dal… Elon-gate would be real­ly drawn out.

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Apologies to QAnon

Know what you call a komo­do drag­on who runs a casi­no? The lizard of odds.

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J’accuse

I got the words “Jacuzzi” and “Yakuza” con­fused. Now I’m in hot water with the Japan­ese mafia.

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Transparent

I jok­ing­ly told the X‑ray tech­ni­cian that I don’t believe in X‑rays. But she saw right through me.

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With bagpipes

Know what you call a Scots­man with a bad hair­cut? Mul­let of Kintyre.

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Just about to lose my mind

I was walk­ing with 18 cows from one ranch to anoth­er and took a short­cut through a vine­yard. I herd­ed through the grapevine.

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To bee or…

I found an old vinyl record of insect sounds and put it on, expect­ing relax­ing ambi­ent back­ground like cicadas and such. But all I got was a dron­ing buzz. That’s when I real­ized I was play­ing the bee side.

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Mellow

Police are look­ing for a man sell­ing mar­i­jua­na to seabirds. Eye­wit­ness said he left no tern unstoned.

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Siege my liege

Scene: a 13th-cen­­­tu­ry feu­dal upris­ing. Rebels are besieg­ing the cas­tle. They man­age to kill the eldest son of the Duke by knock­ing him off the ram­parts with a lucky tre­buchet vol­ley, using as a pay­load the sev­ered head of a peas­ant. It was the first serf-face-to-heir mis­sile. (h/t John Garison)

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An attic full

Any­one want some old copies of Chi­ro­prac­tic Month­ly? I’ve got loads of back issues.

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Memories

One of my ear­li­est mem­o­ries is see­ing my mother’s face through the oven win­dow. As we played hide and seek and she said, “You’re get­ting warmer.” (h/t Mil­ton Jones)

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Core available, but not to you

There’s an Ama­zon for­est but no Microsoft for­est – know why that is? It’s been logged out.

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Something fishy

Texas Pris­on­er Found Dead After Con­sum­ing Smug­gled Fish Eggs. Died on Death Roe.

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Coersion

My room­mate had a com­bined Burns Night and Chi­nese New Year par­ty he called Chi­nese Burns Night. I wasn’t going to go, but he twist­ed my arm.

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Seven story mountain

My friend became a monk recent­ly. I asked him if he’d tak­en a vow of silence, but he didn’t answer. I guess it goes with­out saying.

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City in Switzerland

Know what you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills? Bernadette.

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Zip it

I was in a con­test where you lost if you talked. It was quite the com­petion, to say the least.

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Kernel of the matter

If any­one has a sug­ges­tion on how to reverse the spell that turned me into corn… I’m all ears.

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Learns together

— “Da..a..a..d, are we pyro­ma­ni­acs?” — ”Yes we arson.”

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#1 cause of dry skin

My friend the snake charmer is mar­ry­ing an under­tak­er. As a wed­ding gift I bought them some “Hiss and Hearse” towels.

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Perusing

I don‘t trust the owls at Machu Pichu. They’re all Inca hoots.

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Have and to hold

I asked my dad if gay peo­ple should get mar­ried and he said, “Haven’t they suf­fered enough?”

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Self, meet evident

What do you call some­one who points out the obvi­ous? Some­one who points out the obvious.

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Just why?

A chick­en and a duck are stand­ing by the side of a road. Chick­en clucks to his friend, “Don’t do it mate, you’ll nev­er hear the end of it.”

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Sprint

Did you know that ancient Greeks would shave their heads before the Olympics to run faster? Mod­ern his­to­ri­ans call it balderdash.

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You can call me Th’

Know what Alexan­der the Great and Win­nie the Pooh have in com­mon? Same mid­dle name.

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Population explosion

Appar­ent­ly one in three Britons is con­ceived in an IKEA bed, which is mad because those places are real­ly well lit. (h/t Mark Smith)

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Asked and not answered

I’ve giv­en up ask­ing rhetor­i­cal ques­tions. What’s the point? (h/t Alex­ei Sayle)

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Hair raising

My wife’s hair­dress­er want­ed her to sign a long-term ser­vice agree­ment before set­ting up an appointmenet, but she refused. Just couldn’t accept all those perms and conditions.

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Crowd sore

You know how they throw the ball into the crowd after they win the game? Appar­ent­ly that’s not allowed in bowl­ing. I know that now.

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Cast of thousands

You know why we tell actors “Break a leg,” don’t you? Because every play has a cast.

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IKR?

Some peo­ple always want their opin­ion val­i­dat­ed. Am I right?

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Bern the meme

Know why Bernie wore those mit­tens? Tem­per­a­ture was minus 45.

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Cookin’ with gas

The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees”… But now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.

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Tuit

My New Year’s res­o­lu­tion is to get in shape. I choose round. (h/t Sarah Millican)

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College bored

The Col­lege Board is phas­ing out the essay por­tion of the SAT. Hence­forth the test will be known as the T.

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Wild hare

Elton John has bought his pet rab­bit a tread­mill. It’s a lit­tle fit bunny.

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Big science

I know what fish study in school. Algaebra.

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Soap

My wife says she’s divorc­ing me because of my obses­sion with tele­vi­sion dra­mas. But will she leave? Find out next week.

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Of the earth

Doc­tor said I’m at risk of a heart attack due to high sodi­um intake. I took what he said with a grain of salt.

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Obstacles

If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tun­nel, then on to a lit­tle see­saw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that. (h/t Mil­ton Jones)

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Cross that bridge

I’ve just been on a once-in-a-life­­­time hol­i­day. I’ll tell you what, nev­er again. (h/t Tim Vine)

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One ringy dingy

When a Jehovah’s Wit­ness dies, does Heav­en turn out the lights and pre­tend nobody’s home?

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Saw through that one

The Invis­i­ble Man mar­ried an invis­i­ble woman. The kids were noth­ing to look at either.

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Splitsville

I said to the gym instruc­tor, “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flex­i­ble are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tues­days.” (h/t Tim Vine)

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Salty

I’m so old, I remem­ber when the Dead Sea was just sick.

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Bye son

Know what you call a very tall buf­fa­lo? Buffahigh.

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Dialog

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said “Ana­logue?” I said “No, just a watch.” (h/t Tim Vine)

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Forget I said that

If alco­hol can dam­age your short term mem­o­ry, imag­ine the dam­age alco­hol can do.

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Topper

I’m enter­ing the worlds tight­est hat com­pe­ti­tion. Just hope I can pull it off. (h/t Tim Vine)

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In morning

Red sky at night: sailor’s delight. Blue sky at night: day. (h/t Tom Parry)

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Stall & crawl

I hate sit­ting in traf­fic, because I always get run over. (h/t Mil­ton Jones)

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