My wife says she’s divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas. But will she leave? Find out next week.
Doctor said I’m at risk of a heart attack due to high sodium intake. I took what he said with a grain of salt.
If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that. (h/t Milton Jones)
I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again. (h/t Tim Vine)
When a Jehovah’s Witness dies, does Heaven turn out the lights and pretend nobody’s home?
The Invisible Man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
I said to the gym instructor, “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.” (h/t Tim Vine)
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said “Analogue?” I said “No, just a watch.” (h/t Tim Vine)
If alcohol can damage your short term memory, imagine the damage alcohol can do.
I’m entering the worlds tightest hat competition. Just hope I can pull it off. (h/t Tim Vine)
I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over. (h/t Milton Jones)
I have two boys, 8 and 9. We’re no good at naming things in our house. (h/t Ed Byrne)
My dad always used to say “Out with the old, in with the new.” Lovely man, terrible antiques dealer.
What did the revolutionary bread tell the other breads? “We have to rise up, my breadren!”
Couldn’t understand why my dog was totally motionless… Then I realized, it was on paws.
Dentists always ask dumb questions like “When’s the last time you flossed?” Like bro, you were there!
I thought I saw Michael J. Fox at my local garden center. I’m not sure if it was him, though, as he had his back to the fuchsias.
My biggest talent is always being able to tell what’s in a wrapped present. It’s a gift.
Did you hear about the mechanic who fell asleep under the car? He woke up oily in the morning.
I once entered the world kleptomaniac championships. I took gold, silver, and bronze.
Jeff, a semicolon, and an Oxford comma walk into a bar. They both have a great time.
The Lord of the Rings official pinball machine doesn’t take quarters. Only Tolkiens.
–”Hey, look at that flock of cows!” —”Herd.” –”What?” —”Herd of cows.” –”Of course I’ve heard of cows, there’s a flock of them right there!”
Know what you call a defiant kid who doesn’t believe in Saint Nick? Rebel without a Claus.
Thought I heard someone say “Hello” in Arabic. But it was a false Salaam.
Chinese take out: 8 dollars. Tip: 1 dollar. Getting home to find out they forgot part of your order: Riceless.
Sam and Ella walk into a bar. The bar gets shut down by the health department.
This year’s Fibonacci Convention was a great success. It was as big as the last two combined.
I don’t think Marine Biology is the right major for me. My grades are below C‑level.
My wife asked me if I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school. I said, “Yes, but I was part of the control group.”
I have a friend with no social skills and a Ph.D in the history of palindromes. I call him Dr. Awkward.
My wife insisted on whisking flour into the melted butter. I told her she would roux the day.
What do you call a native Alaskan eye doctor? An optical Aleutian.
I’ve got a friend who reckons he can make high cuisine out of stock cubes. What an Oxo moron.
My wife’s mad at me because she said I never buy her flowers. I honestly didn’t even know she sold flowers.
I ordered some stuff online yesterday and used my Donor Card instead of my Debit Card. Cost me an arm and a leg.
I told my therapist that no one understands me. She said, “What do you mean by that?”
How do two French guys share files electronically? Pierre to Pierre network.
I asked the librarian if they had any books about paranoia. She whispered, “They’re right behind you…”
My dog started gnawing on something and immediately had a sneezing fit. That’s the last time I buy him achoo toy.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she’s been giving me lately.
I have started carrying a stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving. It’s my jingle bell rock.
Justine was 4 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up 6 months later. First thing, she asked the doctor about her baby. Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They’re both fine. And, your brother named them for you. Justine: No, no, no, not my brother! He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise. Justine: Ohh, that’s actually not bad. What about the boy? Doctor: [sighs deeply] Denephew.
Smaller babies get delivered by the stork. Bigger babies need a crane.
My wife is leaving because she’s fed up with my South American animal puns. “OK,” I said, “Alpaca your bags.”
Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.
When geese fly in a V formation, one side is always longer than the other. Do you know why that is? There are more birds on that side.
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today.
Condensation really isn’t the best way to water your lawn… but it’ll make dew.
The president of the National Referees Association has been arrested for corruption. Investigators haven’t released the name of the whistle-blower.
Who was King Arthur’s alcoholic knight? Sir Ohsis of the Liver.
I was bitten by a female deer. Now whenever the moon is full I turn into a weredoe.
What happened when the chicken became possessed? It turned into a poultrygeist and laid deviled eggs.
A while ago I thought my wife was going to leave me because of my bad posture. It was just a hunch.
I went to a Star Trek convention dressed as a tree… I was the captain’s log.
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other, oinkment.
I’ve decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I’m not big enough or strong enough. Just handed in my too weak notice.
Scientists have recently recorded the sound of two helium atoms laughing. HeHe
If Ben Franklin were still alive today, what would he be best known for? Probably his age.
Just found out my childhood house had marble countertops. The whole time I took them for granite.
I think my wife is leaving me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions. Oh well, hindsight is 1.
Movie pitch: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas. Global chaos ensues as the disease wipes out 99% of humanity. Desperate survivors fight for survival in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.
My friends don’t know that I’m actually the shape-shifting Norse god of mayhem and mischief. I keep it Loki.
I recently indentured myself to a dolphin. It’s hard work, but at least I serve a porpoise.
My wife composes songs about sewing machines. She’s a Singer songwriter, or sew it seams.
Bet you can’t name two crustaceans that are only found in London. Here they are: Kings Crustacean and Charing Crustacean.