One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid was deported. Now we don’t have Oleg to stand on.
I caught my son in our greenhouse playing frisbee with my old Mick Jagger album. I told him people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.
You know that song the BeeGees wrote about departing from an apiary? I’m a Bee Leaver…
Finding morels requires diligence and perfect timing. There isn’t mushroom for error.
Know what keeps sheep up at night? Knowing that so many people are counting on them.
What’s the headless horseman’s favorite coffee? De-cappuccino.
“Hey Dad, can you tell me the Japanese word for a ninja throwing star?” “Sure I can.”
I don’t want to read a long book about rock climbing. Can you just give me the cliff notes?
85% of Americans don’t know how to do basic math. Thank goodness I’m part of the other 25%.
Elton John’s e‑reader was swept up in a tornado. Like a Kindle in the wind.
Know why the pirate didn’t take a shower before walking the plank? Figured he’d just wash up on shore.
I aced all of my courses except for Greek Mythology. That has always been my Achilles’ elbow.
What do bees do when they move to a new hive? They throw a house swarming party.
Lawmakers are considering legislation setting a minimum drinking age for soda. It’s seven up.
Know why the paranoid fencer only used a sabre? He had thrust issues.
Why did the Lone Ranger have no luck on Tinder? No one wants a masked man date.
Know why Noah didn’t let the worms stay in their apple when they got on the Ark? Because everyone had to travel in pears.
My friend decided to start a B&B on his rabbit farm. Now he has a bunch of inn-grown hares.
How do you get the twins’ attention, both at the same time? Shout “Hey, W!”
My friend was a struggling artist until he decided to concentrate on sculpture. He made over six figures last year.
I asked my girlfriend if I was the only one she’s been with. She said yes, all others were either 9s or 10s.
Therapist says, “It seems like you have an acute phobia of marriage. Do you know the symptoms?” I reply, “Can’t say I do.”
I went to a tattoo artist who used to be a math teacher. He really did a number on me.
I was driving my Skoda the other day and had to pull over. I noticed the Czech engine light was on.
People aren’t born with a photographic memory. It takes time to develop.
Know what you call it when you eat a toaster pastry without toasting it first? Pop-Tartare.
When I get a headache around my kids, I take two Advil and keep away from them just like the bottle says.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables. Turns out I was on the mothership.
My wife is leaving me because of my gambling addiction. But I know I can win her back.
You have two wolves inside you. You need to see a specialist. The correct number of wolves inside you is zero.
My friend told me he failed the exam in his authentic Australian music course. I asked, “Didja redo it?”
How to make a party more interesting: Approach a stranger and say “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here.”
I have been bored recently, so I decided to take up fencing. The neighbors keep demanding that I put it back.
Yesterday one of my best friends told me that I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space. It was really hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper left outside my front door. I must have fallen on hard Times.
Did you know that koalas aren’t actually bears? They don’t meet the koalafications.
On weekends, I like to play chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming increasingly harder to find exactly 32 of them.
If you haven’t heard the legend of the medieval Japanese warriors… allow me to Samurais it for you.
I’ve heard that head injuries can cause memory loss, but I still don’t wear a bike helmet. I don’t even remember the last time I fell off my bike.
Heard about the new self-help group for people who talk too much? On and on anon.
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I pay the guy my $2 and he says, “Once upon a time there was this lobster…”
I’m at JFK and the man in front of me has just collapsed on the luggage carousel. He’s coming round slowly.
We’ve got the cheapest brake repairs in town. Once you start coming here, you won’t be able to stop.
I won a contest at the state fair for growing the biggest pickle. It was kind of a big dill.
I have the memory of an elephant. I remember when I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.
Pre- means before. Post- means after. To use both prefixes together would be preposterous.
I wanted a whistle: I bought a wooden whistle but it wooden whistle. Then I bought a steel whistle but it steel wooden whistle. So I bought a lead whistle but it steel wooden lead me whistle.
I live in Wyoming so I called my insurance to ask what would happen if Yellowstone ever erupted. They said not to worry, I would be covered.
When you die, people cry and beg for you to come back. But when you do they’re all running and screaming.
I’m working on a book about all the things I should be doing in my life. It’s an oughtobiography.
While I’m driving the only song I will listen to is the theme from “Looney Tunes.” It’s a car tune.
It snowed overnight. I told my wife to go outside and shovel the steps. All I got was icy stares.
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet. It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe leeeeean. (h/t Reddit user /u/mykeuk)
The difference between a jeweler and a jailer? One sells watches and the other watches cells.
Like most cats, lion cubs are born blind. Not see lions though.
My wife thinks I don’t give her enough privacy. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
You should always ask for your filet mignon to come from a male bovine. Anything else would be a miss steak.
Sad news: I broke up with my girlfriend Lorraine because I was seeing another girl, Claire Lee. Good news though… I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
My wife is threatening to leave me because I never put the toilet seat down. To be honest, I’m getting a little tired of carrying it around.
My wife and I always fight over the right way to mount the toilet paper roll, so our therapist suggested we try the other person’s way for a week. You know, roll reversal.
My editor told me I should I have a pen name. So from now on, I will be known as Bic.
The difference between a gambler and a gardener? One says “Read ‘em and weep” the other says “Weed ‘em and reap.”
My balloon elephant wouldn’t fit on the back seat of the car. So I had to pop the trunk.
Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? If they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.
There was a revolution at the poultry farm. It was a chicken coup.
What do you call it when a police officer pulls over a U‑Haul? Busting a move.
What’s the best way to catch a computer mouse? The answer might surprise you! Click bait.
I got a reversible jacket for Christmas. I can’t wait to see how it turns out.
A study found that farmers who talk to their cows get better milk. In one ear and out the udder.
Know what it’s called when an orphan who was an only child takes a selfie? Family portrait.
What do you get when you rub two halves of an orange together? Pulp friction.
I hoped my girlfriend would get back from Ukraine before the 25th. No one wants a chick in Kiev for Christmas.
The scissors I bought for cutting paper works really well. You could say… The paper scissors rocks.
I made a list of all the people I hate, but my roommate rolled a joint with it. Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
I took a day trip to my childhood home today. I knocked, and when the residents answered, I explained how I grew up there — and asked if I might come inside to relive some nostalgia. They angrily refused, slammed the door in my face, and threatened to call the police if I didn’t leave. My parents are the worst.
Today my kids told me they want a pony for Christmas. Normally I cook a turkey, but whatever makes them happy.
I told my cat I’m going to teach him to speak English. He looked at me and said, “Me, how?”
When my wife is sad, sometimes I let her color in my tattoos. She just needs a shoulder to crayon.
I accidentally took a double dose of my anxiety meds. Well, at least I won’t be worrying about the possible consequences.
Three wise men do an infomercial for gold and frankincense: “But wait, there’s MYRRH!”
The old woman who lived in a shoe won the lottery. She moved to Beverly Heels.
My boss found my folder labeled “Not Safe For Work.” He was didn’t expect to find it full of OSHA violations.
Alpha, Delta, and Omicron walk into a bar and order three Coronas. Bartender says, “That’ll be $20.21.”
I went into the office early this morning and switched the M and N keys on as many keyboards as I could. Some might call me a monster but the rest will definitely call ne a nomster.
Did you hear about the truck full of Vicks VapoRub that jackknifed on the highway? There’s been no congestion for hours.
Had to end things with my massage therapist. She rubbed me the wrong way.
I found a recipe from Morocco for homemade dinner rolls. It called for fresh thyme but mine was dried. I used it anyway. You know, as I reminisce, I really like that old thyme Moroccan roll.
Did you hear about the town that legalized pot but banned alcohol? The residents were left high and dry.
Did you know that Stephen King has a son named Joe? I’m not Joe King, he is.
I’m addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers, but I never reheat them. Just can’t quit cold turkey.
Why was Alexander Hamilton so bad at the decathlon? Because he wouldn’t throw away his shot.
Why are Russian translators in Finland always in such a hurry? Because they’re Russian to Finnish.
A European couple — the woman was Polish, the man from Czechia — failed to turn up after hiking in the Alps. A little while after they went missing, some park rangers found two dead bears, one male, one female, just off the trail. Their bellies were distended. They cut open the she-bear to find the remains of the woman. “You Read More …
This guy stayed on a merry-go-round for three days. He set a whirled record.
Did you know that Teslas don’t have a “new car” smell? They have an Elon Musk.
Know what state has the lowest birth rate? Virginia. How about the state where the computers have become sentient? Delaware.
Dad: knock knock Son: who‘s there? Dad: control freak Dad: this is where you say control freak who
Know what one Japanese man said to the other? I don’t know either, I don’t speak Japanese.
What do you call a Viking who only talks about himself? A Norse-issist.
My new deer cloning business is now accepting applications. It’s for anyone looking to make a quick buck.
– Sheep: Okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together. – Me: What? – Sheep: You herd me.
Man bursts into the doctor’s office. all panicked: “Doctor doctor, I’m shrinking!” Doctor says, “Well sir, you’re just going to have to learn to be a little patient.”
I showed up late to the Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting. All the seats were already taken.
According to the chocolate Advent calendar I bought yesterday, there are only three days until Christmas.
I’m currently on a restaurant date with a female boxer. She’s going for the ribs. I might try a duck.
Instead of a swear jar I have a pessimism jar. Every time I have a negative thought I put a coin in. It’s currently half empty.
It’s physically impossible to swim in guacamole. You can only have a dip.
The inventors of the Ferris wheel and the merry-go-round never met. They traveled in different circles.
At the hospital I was admitted to, apple pie costs $2 a slice, pumpkin $3, and blueberry $4. Those are the pie-rates of the care-I-be-in.
They all laughed when I announced my career change to specialize in dad jokes. Well, nobody’s laughing now.
Our dentist sponsored my kids’ Little League team, so when they won the championship they were expecting a big trophy. But all they got was a little plaque.
Have you ever considered how good-looking the second letter of the word “hive” is? I’ve always said that beauty is in the “i” of the bee holder.
– “Doctor Doctor, I only ever hear half of what’s being said!” – “Let’s put that to the test. Repeat after me: sixty-six.” – “Thirty-three!”
Many people in Germany, fearing another Covid spike, are buying up cheese and sausages. Preparing for a wurst kase scenario.
Why does Covid-19 spread so rapidly in the pirate community? Because of the high arrrr value.
What sound does an airplane make when it bounces on landing? Boeing, boeing, boeing.
Why are haunted ships the most efficient? Because they run with a skeleton crew.
I just ended a 5 year relationship… — OMG are you okay? — I’m fine, it wasn’t my relationship.
Digging tunnels deep underground, using complex machinery, sounds fascinating. But it’s really boring.
Why has this Covid situation been especially stressful on the Flat Earth society? Even though last year they were excited about flattening the curve, long-term they fear that social distancing measures could actually push people over the edge.
What do bakers say when they’ve forgotten to put their bread in the oven? D’ough!
My wife hates how I always pretend we are on walkie-talkies. Wife: Our relationship is over. Me: Our relationship is what? Over.
How do you hide a new video game before Christmas? You put the cartridge in a pear tree.
Scientists have found a dwarf species of axolotl. They’ve named it the axolitl.
My grandfather brought down 23 German planes in WW-II. Worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
The archeologist made a big mistake: He thought he’d found a Pharaoh’s tomb, but it was just some old Giza.
Penguins produce an oil that helps their feathers retain heat. The oily bird gets the warm.
What would you call someone who’s a wizard at weightlifting? Albus Dumbbelldore.
I was gonna hold off making a joke about superconductors… But I just couldn’t resist.
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doc, I keep having delusions that I’m a goat. Ever since I was a kid…”
Know why electric cars are so expensive? Because they charge a lot.
To whoever stole my elevator joke: I know what you’re up to.
My friend is quite the inventor. He’s managed to create a lightbulb powered only by wordplays. Now he’s got a socket full of punshine.
It’s against the rules for NFL players to own a duck. It’s a personal fowl.
Professional mirror photography. It’s a job I could really see myself doing.
Ever used WD40 to get rid of mice? It doesn’t work, but it does stop them squeaking.
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again. Man, I sure am lucky! I mean, first I win the lottery and now this!
I keep calling my wife Delilah even though her name is Delia. I keep calling our lawn “the green, green grass of home.” And worst of all, every time I see a cat, I can’t help but ask, “What’s new, pussycat?” It turns out I have Tom Jones Syndrome. My doctor says it’s not unusual.
We started a band and called it “Books.” So no one can judge us by our covers.
What do you call a woman with a bottle opener in one hand, a knife in the other hand, a pair of scissors under her arm, and a corkscrew behind her ear? Swiss Army Wife.
Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives.
My doctor diagnosed me with a chronic tomato sauce deficiency. He prescribed medical marinara.
Know what it takes to be able to tell a dad joke? You have to be a groan man.
How is a moose different from an ant? Moose have antlers but ants don’t have mooselers.
When we moved into my new igloo our friends threw a house-warming party. Now we’re homeless.
They’re releasing a tenth installment of the Fast & Furious franchise. It’ll be called “Fast Ten: Your Seat Belts.”
How many clickbait articles does it take to change a light bulb? The answer will shock you!
A friend invited me to a feather-themed fancy dress party. “Sure,” I said. “I’m down.”
What sport needs a life jacket, a paddle, and a ball of yarn? Whitewater crafting.
I just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they all use gaslighting.
I had to stop going to the local comedy coffee shop. Too much brew ha ha.
Know what the judge said to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?
A frog got his DNA tested. Turns out he’s part Irish, part British, and a tad Pole.
I know why YouTube constantly recommends videos of dancing former Vice Presidents. It’s just the Al Gore rhythm.
I created a dating app for chickens. It’s not my day job, it’s just to make hens meet.
Archaeologists are having a party to celebrate unearthing the largest dinosaur tibia ever found. It’s going to be quite the shindig.
I heard that cricket matches can last for days. No rest for the wicket, I suppose.
Why do astronomers add ground beef to their shampoo? So they can have meatier showers.
Does every sentence have to mention some kind of vegetable? Not necesscelery.
I tried donating blood today… never again! Too many questions. Like, “Whose blood is this?”, “How did you get it?”, “Why is it in a bucket?”
It’s important to wear glasses during math class. It improves division.
Never buy lettuce from The Mamas and The Papas Grocery. All the leaves are brown.
You know what font they use for the letter noodles in alphabet soup? Times New Ramen.
Back in the 80s, I’d often dress up nicely, go out and order dinner for one, see movies alone, take long solitary walks… Wow, I’m really dating myself.
Know what they call the soft, sweet cheese served at American stock car racing tracks? NASCARpone.
Batman invited all the superheroes for a discussion on Bitcoin, but Superman didn’t show up. Because it was crypto night.
Do I have to keep making dad jokes? The short answer is No. The long answer is Nnnnnnnnnoooooooo.
My wife Dorothy left me because of my obsession with Morse code. I said, “Please don’t dash, Dot!”
Know where elderly Egyptian guys gathered in the ancient kingdom? At the Great Pyramid of Geezer.
Every night at 8:50 sharp my wrist starts hurting. Doctor diagnosed a case of ten-to-ninetis.
Did you know athlete’s foot only occurs in the US? Everywhere else it’s athlete’s meter.
I grilled a chicken for two hours. It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road.
I have an irrational fear of over-designed buildings. It’s a complex complex complex.
It’s a shame nothing is made in the USA anymore. I just bought a TV that said “Built in Antenna.” I don’t even know where that is!
Know why it’s a bad idea to iron your four-leaf clover? You shouldn’t press your luck.
Doc, it hurts when I poke myself on the shoulder and when I poke myself on the forehead and when I poke myself on the thigh. Doctor: Your finger is broken.
My girlfriend said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So I bought her a candle.
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb? One. They’re very efficient, and not particularly funny.
My mom was a radiologist, and she met my dad when he came in for an x‑ray. I wonder what she saw in him.
Two tectonic plates bumped into one another. They both said “Sorry, my fault.”
Never lie to an x‑ray techician. They can see right through you.
“Dad, how did you trim the hedges so straight?” “With cutting hedge technology.”
My doctor said I have a bladder infection. I asked him what that means and he replied, “Urine trouble.”
My wife says I’m useless at fixing electrical appliances. Well, she’s in for a shock.
Why did the Red Army have so many excellent snipers? It’s because they were all Marx men.
Know why Cinderella was kicked off the soccer team? She kept running away from the ball.
I woke up this morning to find two birds sitting in the sun in the backyard eating ice cream. They were Basking Robins.
My girlfriend changed a lot since she became vegan. It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
I had to give a presentation on playgrounds. There were lots of slides.
At first I despised sheltering in place, but now I love it. I think it’s stuck-home syndrome.
I exercise by running up the street and knocking on all the doors. Jehovah’s Fitness.
The CEO of IKEA was just elected prime minister of Sweden. It’ll take him a week to assemble his cabinet.
The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a tune. But the Chick Peas can only hummus one.
Went to an open-air cafe yesterday and it rained. Took me an hour to eat my soup.
Robert de Niro is asked if he has any family in Salt Lake City, and he growls, “Utah kin to me?”
An American, a Frenchman, a Mexican, and a German were all attending a Zoom meeting. The supervisor asked, “Can you all see me OK?” To which they answered, “Yes” “Oui” “Si” “Ja.”
I went to an orthodontist who only charged me $1. That’s why I have buck teeth.
My neighbor came over to borrow some spaghetti and asked what she owed me. I said, “It’ll cost you a pretty penne.”
My stimulus check came on St. Patrick’s Day. That’s what I call the luck of the IRS.
I was interrogating a crab and I asked it, “What’s your name? Where do you live? What’s that on your back?” It said: “Michelle.”
I had a dream where I was being chased by a huge pair of shoes. Catching up to me was no small feet.
My wife has the weirdest abacus tattoo on her back. But I can always count on her.
My doctor has advised me to stop drinking. It’s going to be a massive change for me, I’ve been with that doctor for 15 years.
I went into the kitchen this morning and there was a “Get Better Soon” card on the table for me. I called out to my wife asking what it was for because I wasn’t sick. She shouted back from the other room, “It’s an ultimatum.”
Google is so useless. I’ve been searching for lighters — it showed 3,580,642 matches instead.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? The chicken hadn’t evolved yet.
The punchline always comes before the joke. What is the worst part about time travel jokes?
My wife took off with a tractor salesman. Left me with a John Deere letter.
A garbage man was doing the rounds one morning. He came to a house where there was no bin out front, but there was a man sitting on the porch. — G‘man: “Hey! Where’s ya bin?” Guy: “I’ve been in Florida.” — G‘man: “No, no. I meant where’s ya wheely bin?” Guy: “I’ve really been in jail but I tell everyone I’ve Read More …
I come from a family of magicians, which may be why I have two half sisters.
My dad found out that I had an imaginary girlfriend. Dad: “You can do much better, you know!” Me: “Thanks Dad. That means so much to me.” Dad: “I was talking to her.”
Just had an officer at the door saying he was looking for a man with one eye. Told him he’d probably find him a lot quicker if he used both.
I have a jar where I put in a quarter every time I have a negative thought. It’s half empty.
In the old days, excessive use of commas was considered a serious crime. It usually resulted in a long sentence. (h/t Nathaniel Moore)
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.
A truck carrying toupees jacknifed on the highway, scattering its cargo. Police are combing the area.
A new strain of head lice has appeared that is resistant to conventional treatments. This has left scientists scratching their heads.
What do you call big black birds that stick together? Velcrows.
You know how some ancient tombs have money or valuables buried with their inhabitants? That’s the first cryptocurrency.
I had mono in college. Went to the doctor today with similar symptoms but twice as bad… Turns out I have stereo.
H20 is inside a fire hydrant, but on the outside there’s only K9P.
I asked the librarian if she knew the author of a dinosaur book. She said try Sarah Topps.
I used to get small shocks every time I touched metal objects, but I don’t anymore. I’m just ex-static.
My experiment of cross-breeding a rooster with a Slinky has failed. Alas, I’ve no spring chicken.
Know what you call someone who can’t stop watching films with a strong female lead? Heroine addict.
What do you call bears with no teeth? (Gummy bears.) What do you call bears with no ears? (B.)
I work as a tattoo artist in a wellness center making very specific designs, and everyone is really surprised when I tell them that I’m also a doctor. Nobody expects the spa niche ink physician.
I’ve always wanted to tap my neighbors’ maple tree, but he wouldn’t give me permission. Think I could do it syruptitiously?
I met my wife at a travel agency. She was looking for a vacation and I was her last resort.
I refuse to do drugs harder than cocaine. Got to draw the line somewhere.
I hope Elon Musk never gets into a scandal… Elon-gate would be really drawn out.
Know what you call a komodo dragon who runs a casino? The lizard of odds.
I got the words “Jacuzzi” and “Yakuza” confused. Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
I jokingly told the X‑ray technician that I don’t believe in X‑rays. But she saw right through me.
I was walking with 18 cows from one ranch to another and took a shortcut through a vineyard. I herded through the grapevine.
I found an old vinyl record of insect sounds and put it on, expecting relaxing ambient background like cicadas and such. But all I got was a droning buzz. That’s when I realized I was playing the bee side.
Police are looking for a man selling marijuana to seabirds. Eyewitness said he left no tern unstoned.
Scene: a 13th-century feudal uprising. Rebels are besieging the castle. They manage to kill the eldest son of the Duke by knocking him off the ramparts with a lucky trebuchet volley, using as a payload the severed head of a peasant. It was the first serf-face-to-heir missile. (h/t John Garison)
Anyone want some old copies of Chiropractic Monthly? I’ve got loads of back issues.
One of my earliest memories is seeing my mother’s face through the oven window. As we played hide and seek and she said, “You’re getting warmer.” (h/t Milton Jones)
There’s an Amazon forest but no Microsoft forest – know why that is? It’s been logged out.
Texas Prisoner Found Dead After Consuming Smuggled Fish Eggs. Died on Death Roe.
My roommate had a combined Burns Night and Chinese New Year party he called Chinese Burns Night. I wasn’t going to go, but he twisted my arm.
My friend became a monk recently. I asked him if he’d taken a vow of silence, but he didn’t answer. I guess it goes without saying.
Know what you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills? Bernadette.
I was in a contest where you lost if you talked. It was quite the competion, to say the least.
If anyone has a suggestion on how to reverse the spell that turned me into corn… I’m all ears.
My friend the snake charmer is marrying an undertaker. As a wedding gift I bought them some “Hiss and Hearse” towels.
I asked my dad if gay people should get married and he said, “Haven’t they suffered enough?”
What do you call someone who points out the obvious? Someone who points out the obvious.
A chicken and a duck are standing by the side of a road. Chicken clucks to his friend, “Don’t do it mate, you’ll never hear the end of it.”
Did you know that ancient Greeks would shave their heads before the Olympics to run faster? Modern historians call it balderdash.
Know what Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name.
Apparently one in three Britons is conceived in an IKEA bed, which is mad because those places are really well lit. (h/t Mark Smith)
I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point? (h/t Alexei Sayle)
My wife’s hairdresser wanted her to sign a long-term service agreement before setting up an appointment, but she refused. Just couldn’t accept all those perms and conditions.
You know how they throw the ball into the crowd after they win the game? Apparently that’s not allowed in bowling. I know that now.
You know why we tell actors “Break a leg,” don’t you? Because every play has a cast.
The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees”… But now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
My New Year’s resolution is to get in shape. I choose round. (h/t Sarah Millican)
The College Board is phasing out the essay portion of the SAT. Henceforth the test will be known as the T.
My wife says she’s divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas. But will she leave? Find out next week.
Doctor said I’m at risk of a heart attack due to high sodium intake. I took what he said with a grain of salt.
If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that. (h/t Milton Jones)
I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again. (h/t Tim Vine)
When a Jehovah’s Witness dies, does Heaven turn out the lights and pretend nobody’s home?
The Invisible Man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
I said to the gym instructor, “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.” (h/t Tim Vine)
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said “Analogue?” I said “No, just a watch.” (h/t Tim Vine)
If alcohol can damage your short term memory, imagine the damage alcohol can do.
I’m entering the worlds tightest hat competition. Just hope I can pull it off. (h/t Tim Vine)
I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over. (h/t Milton Jones)
I have two boys, 8 and 9. We’re no good at naming things in our house. (h/t Ed Byrne)
My dad always used to say “Out with the old, in with the new.” Lovely man, terrible antiques dealer.
What did the revolutionary bread tell the other breads? “We have to rise up, my breadren!”
Couldn’t understand why my dog was totally motionless… Then I realized, it was on paws.
Dentists always ask dumb questions like “When’s the last time you flossed?” Like bro, you were there!
I thought I saw Michael J. Fox at my local garden center. I’m not sure if it was him, though, as he had his back to the fuchsias.
My biggest talent is always being able to tell what’s in a wrapped present. It’s a gift.
Did you hear about the mechanic who fell asleep under the car? He woke up oily in the morning.
I once entered the world kleptomaniac championships. I took gold, silver, and bronze.
Jeff, a semicolon, and an Oxford comma walk into a bar. They both have a great time.
The Lord of the Rings official pinball machine doesn’t take quarters. Only Tolkiens.
–”Hey, look at that flock of cows!” —”Herd.” –”What?” —”Herd of cows.” –”Of course I’ve heard of cows, there’s a flock of them right there!”
Know what you call a defiant kid who doesn’t believe in Saint Nick? Rebel without a Claus.
Thought I heard someone say “Hello” in Arabic. But it was a false Salaam.
Chinese take out: 8 dollars. Tip: 1 dollar. Getting home to find out they forgot part of your order: Riceless.
Sam and Ella walk into a bar. The bar gets shut down by the health department.
This year’s Fibonacci Convention was a great success. It was as big as the last two combined.
I don’t think Marine Biology is the right major for me. My grades are below C‑level.
My wife asked me if I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school. I said, “Yes, but I was part of the control group.”
I have a friend with no social skills and a Ph.D in the history of palindromes. I call him Dr. Awkward.
My wife insisted on whisking flour into the melted butter. I told her she would roux the day.
What do you call a native Alaskan eye doctor? An optical Aleutian.
I’ve got a friend who reckons he can make high cuisine out of stock cubes. What an Oxo moron.
My wife’s mad at me because she said I never buy her flowers. I honestly didn’t even know she sold flowers.
I ordered some stuff online yesterday and used my Donor Card instead of my Debit Card. Cost me an arm and a leg.
I told my therapist that no one understands me. She said, “What do you mean by that?”
How do two French guys share files electronically? Pierre to Pierre network.
I asked the librarian if they had any books about paranoia. She whispered, “They’re right behind you…”
My dog started gnawing on something and immediately had a sneezing fit. That’s the last time I buy him achoo toy.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she’s been giving me lately.
I have started carrying a stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving. It’s my jingle bell rock.
Justine was 4 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up 6 months later. First thing, she asked the doctor about her baby. Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They’re both fine. And, your brother named them for you. Justine: No, no, no, not my brother! He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Read More …
Smaller babies get delivered by the stork. Bigger babies need a crane.
My wife is leaving because she’s fed up with my South American animal puns. “OK,” I said, “Alpaca your bags.”
Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.
When geese fly in a V formation, one side is always longer than the other. Do you know why that is? There are more birds on that side.
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today.
Condensation really isn’t the best way to water your lawn… but it’ll make dew.
The president of the National Referees Association has been arrested for corruption. Investigators haven’t released the name of the whistle-blower.
Who was King Arthur’s alcoholic knight? Sir Ohsis of the Liver.
I was bitten by a female deer. Now whenever the moon is full I turn into a weredoe.
What happened when the chicken became possessed? It turned into a poultrygeist and laid deviled eggs.
A while ago I thought my wife was going to leave me because of my bad posture. It was just a hunch.
I went to a Star Trek convention dressed as a tree… I was the captain’s log.
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other, oinkment.
I’ve decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I’m not big enough or strong enough. Just handed in my too weak notice.
Scientists have recently recorded the sound of two helium atoms laughing. HeHe
If Ben Franklin were still alive today, what would he be best known for? Probably his age.
Just found out my childhood house had marble countertops. The whole time I took them for granite.
I think my wife is leaving me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions. Oh well, hindsight is 1.
Movie pitch: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas. Global chaos ensues as the disease wipes out 99% of humanity. Desperate survivors fight for survival in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.
My friends don’t know that I’m actually the shape-shifting Norse god of mayhem and mischief. I keep it Loki.
I recently indentured myself to a dolphin. It’s hard work, but at least I serve a porpoise.
My wife composes songs about sewing machines. She’s a Singer songwriter, or sew it seams.
Bet you can’t name two crustaceans that are only found in London. Here they are: Kings Crustacean and Charing Crustacean.
My son said: “Dad, once I reach 99 pounds, I will eat one pound of nachos. Then I will be 99% your son and 1% nacho son.”
What’s the difference between Gordon Ramsay’s favorite dish and a slow-running computer? One is a rack of lamb and the other is a lack of RAM.
I want to open a sandwich shop called Salvador Deli. We’ll specialize in melts.
I saw a couple of boys on my street stealing a gate. I didn’t say anything in case they took a fence.
Has anyone been to Engagement, Ohio? It’s a little place between Dayton and Marion.
To the person who stole my broken bathroom scale: You won’t get a weigh with this!
I told my therapist, “Last night I had a nightmare that I was fighting Jason Bourne and Will Hunting at the same time.” She replied, “I’m glad that you are finally battling your Damons.”
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday. They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Why are policemen in London so tall? Because they’re paid by the Yard.
They had to fire the new guy at the orange juice factory. He couldn’t concentrate. (h/t Monty Solomon)
What’s the difference between American dogs and British dogs? An American dog pants while the British dogs trousers.
There are two types of people in this world: People who finish what they started.
I used to work at a factory that makes fire hydrants. However, you couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost. I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
My 4‑year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can’t say the phrase for “please.” Which I think is poor for four.
I just got offered a job teaching literature in prison. Spent all night thinking about the prose and cons.
Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to return to the sea eventually and lose them. Kinda defeets the porpoise, don’t you think?
Today my son asked me if I had seen the new movie “The Truck.” I answered, “No, but I saw the trailer yesterday.”
I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, “Do you want to hear today’s special?” I said, “Yes please.” Waiter: “No problem, sir. Today is special.”
My girlfriend asked if we could have an old movie night and watch “Gaslight.” I told her “We already watched that together, don’t you remember?”
Know why the Jedi don’t have a navy? Because sailing is a path to the dockside.
The reason Superman can’t defeat Dracula… is because he can’t go near the crypt tonight.
My friend couldn’t afford to pay his water bill. I sent him a “Get well soon” card.