Portfolio

Winning

I’m not a com­pet­i­tive per­son. I’ll be the first to admit it.

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As does a biologist

The dif­fer­ence between a jew­el­er and a jail­er? One sells watch­es and the oth­er watch­es cells.

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A little fit bunny

What do you call the king’s rab­bit? Hare to the throne.

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Lorraine’s down in Africa

Like most cats, lion cubs are born blind. Not see lions though.

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Secrets

My wife thinks I don’t give her enough pri­va­cy. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.

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With eyelashes

You should always ask for your filet mignon to come from a male bovine. Any­thing else would be a miss steak.

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Named my car Johnny

Sad news: I broke up with my girl­friend Lor­raine because I was see­ing anoth­er girl, Claire Lee. Good news though… I can see Claire Lee now Lor­raine has gone.

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Irreconcilable

My wife is threat­en­ing to leave me because I nev­er put the toi­let seat down. To be hon­est, I’m get­ting a lit­tle tired of car­ry­ing it around.

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Earthshaking

Know how you mea­sure how good a dad joke is? With a sighsmograph.

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Patented

My wife and I always fight over the right way to mount the toi­let paper roll, so our ther­a­pist sug­gest­ed we try the oth­er person’s way for a week. You know, roll reversal.

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Write on

My edi­tor told me I should I have a pen name. So from now on, I will be known as Bic.

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Peas on earth

I’m advis­ing peo­ple on how to grow peas. Should I make a podcast?

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Know when to top ’em

The dif­fer­ence between a gam­bler and a gar­den­er? One says “Read ‘em and weep” the oth­er says “Weed ‘em and reap.”

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Deflated

My bal­loon ele­phant wouldn’t fit on the back seat of the car. So I had to pop the trunk.

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All wet

Why do scu­ba divers fall back­wards into the water? If they fell for­ward, they’d still be in the boat.

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Give me free range or

There was a rev­o­lu­tion at the poul­try farm. It was a chick­en coup.

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Get down

What do you call it when a police offi­cer pulls over a U‑Haul? Bust­ing a move.

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Just a pointer

What’s the best way to catch a com­put­er mouse? The answer might sur­prise you! Click bait.

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Mother very thoughtfully

I like the name “Sat­urn.” It has a nice ring to it.

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Getting stuff done

Know why ele­phants have two tusks? It’s so they can multitusk.

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Outer where

I got a reversible jack­et for Christ­mas. I can’t wait to see how it turns out.

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In a good moood

A study found that farm­ers who talk to their cows get bet­ter milk. In one ear and out the udder.

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Pepper water

I just got food poi­son­ing from mul­li­gatawny. This stew shall pass.

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Power of one

Know what it’s called when an orphan who was an only child takes a self­ie? Fam­i­ly portrait.

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Quit yer Quentin

What do you get when you rub two halves of an orange togeth­er? Pulp friction.

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You, crane

I hoped my girl­friend would get back from Ukraine before the 25th. No one wants a chick in Kiev for Christmas.

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Logical

The scis­sors I bought for cut­ting paper works real­ly well. You could say… The paper scis­sors rocks.

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Capital idea

Why did Karl Marx only drink mint tea? Because all prop­er tea is theft.

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Up in smoke

I made a list of all the peo­ple I hate, but my room­mate rolled a joint with it. Now he’s high on the list of peo­ple I nev­er want to talk to again.

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Memory lane

I took a day trip to my child­hood home today. I knocked, and when the res­i­dents answered, I explained how I grew up there — and asked if I might come inside to relive some nos­tal­gia. They angri­ly refused, slammed the door in my face, and threat­ened to call the police if I didn’t leave. My par­ents are the worst.

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I wanted a bat and ball

Today my kids told me they want a pony for Christ­mas. Nor­mal­ly I cook a turkey, but what­ev­er makes them happy.

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Sturm clouds

I got mood poi­son­ing. Must have been some­thing I hate.

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Feline fine

I told my cat I’m going to teach him to speak Eng­lish. He looked at me and said, “Me, how?”

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Ink, Inc.

When my wife is sad, some­times I let her col­or in my tat­toos. She just needs a shoul­der to crayon.

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It was Xanaxident

I acci­den­tal­ly took a dou­ble dose of my anx­i­ety meds. Well, at least I won’t be wor­ry­ing about the pos­si­ble consequences.

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Emerald

My grand­ma was 80% Irish. They used to call her Iris.

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That’s not how it works

My grief coun­selor died. He was so good, I don’t even care.

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With three you also get

Three wise men do an infomer­cial for gold and frank­in­cense: “But wait, there’s MYRRH!”

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Well heeled

The old woman who lived in a shoe won the lot­tery. She moved to Bev­er­ly Heels.

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Oh, sha’

My boss found my fold­er labeled “Not Safe For Work.” He was didn’t expect to find it full of OSHA violations.

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Here’s to 2022

Alpha, Delta, and Omi­cron walk into a bar and order three Coro­nas. Bar­tender says, “That’ll be $20.21.”

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What fum

I went into the office ear­ly this morn­ing and switched the M and N keys on as many key­boards as I could. Some might call me a mon­ster but the rest will def­i­nite­ly call ne a nomster.

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You will be mist

Did you hear about the truck full of Vicks VapoRub that jack­knifed on the high­way? There’s been no con­ges­tion for hours.

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Just waved

What did the beach say when the tide came in? Long time no sea.

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Out of touch

Had to end things with my mas­sage ther­a­pist. She rubbed me the wrong way.

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You all beehive now

Why do bees stay in their bee­hives all through the win­ter? Swarm.

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Soothes my soul

I found a recipe from Moroc­co for home­made din­ner rolls. It called for fresh thyme but mine was dried. I used it any­way. You know, as I rem­i­nisce, I real­ly like that old thyme Moroc­can roll.

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Dazed and confused

Did you hear about the town that legal­ized pot but banned alco­hol? The res­i­dents were left high and dry.

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Joe Hill actually

Did you know that Stephen King has a son named Joe? I’m not Joe King, he is.

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Chirality

— “Doc­tor doc­tor, my DNA is back­wards!” — “AND?!”

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Hot dish served cold

I’m addict­ed to Thanks­giv­ing left­overs, but I nev­er reheat them. Just can’t quit cold turkey.

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Well put

Why was Alexan­der Hamil­ton so bad at the decathlon? Because he wouldn’t throw away his shot.

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Благодарность, kiitos

Why are Russ­ian trans­la­tors in Fin­land always in such a hur­ry? Because they’re Russ­ian to Finnish.

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Cautionary

A Euro­pean cou­ple — the woman was Pol­ish, the man from Czechia — failed to turn up after hik­ing in the Alps. A lit­tle while after they went miss­ing, some park rangers found two dead bears, one male, one female, just off the trail. Their bel­lies were dis­tend­ed. They cut open the she-bear to find the remains of the woman. “You Read More …

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Guinness foul

This guy stayed on a mer­ry-go-round for three days. He set a whirled record.

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Hair de Lune

How does the Man in the Moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.

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Heaven scent

Did you know that Tes­las don’t have a “new car” smell? They have an Elon Musk.

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Watching you

Know what state has the low­est birth rate? Vir­ginia. How about the state where the com­put­ers have become sen­tient? Delaware.

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No bell prize

Dad: knock knock Son: who‘s there? Dad: con­trol freak Dad: this is where you say con­trol freak who

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Arigato

Know what one Japan­ese man said to the oth­er? I don’t know either, I don’t speak Japanese.

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And malignant with it

What do you call a Viking who only talks about him­self? A Norse-issist.

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Or a little doe

My new deer cloning busi­ness is now accept­ing appli­ca­tions. It’s for any­one look­ing to make a quick buck.

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Crooked

– Sheep: Okay you’re in charge of keep­ing the flock togeth­er. – Me: What? – Sheep: You herd me.

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On track

I have not met a sin­gle per­son who is hap­pi­ly married.

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Try the other way

If the USA is so amaz­ing… why would any­one make a USB?

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Need new clothes too

Man bursts into the doctor’s office. all pan­icked: “Doc­tor doc­tor, I’m shrink­ing!” Doc­tor says, “Well sir, you’re just going to have to learn to be a lit­tle patient.”

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Ferklept

I showed up late to the Klep­to­ma­ni­acs Anony­mous meet­ing. All the seats were already taken.

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Rings a faint bell

Ever ring James Bond’s door­bell? It goes: Dong. Ding dong.

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North, eh

One day Cana­da will rule the world. Then you’ll all be sorry.

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December flies

Accord­ing to the choco­late Advent cal­en­dar I bought yes­ter­day, there are only three days until Christmas.

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I’ll have the upper cut

I’m cur­rent­ly on a restau­rant date with a female box­er. She’s going for the ribs. I might try a duck.

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Pay it forward

Instead of a swear jar I have a pes­simism jar. Every time I have a neg­a­tive thought I put a coin in. It’s cur­rent­ly half empty.

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With feathers

Know why the archaeopteryx caught the worm? He was an ear­ly bird.

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Hold the lime

It’s phys­i­cal­ly impos­si­ble to swim in gua­camole. You can only have a dip.

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Orthogonal

The inven­tors of the Fer­ris wheel and the mer­ry-go-round nev­er met. They trav­eled in dif­fer­ent circles.

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I’ll let myself out now

At the hos­pi­tal I was admit­ted to, apple pie costs $2 a slice, pump­kin $3, and blue­ber­ry $4. Those are the pie-rates of the care-I-be-in.

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Vocation

They all laughed when I announced my career change to spe­cial­ize in dad jokes. Well, nobody’s laugh­ing now.

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Baked woke

Why do we have pop tarts but no mom tarts? Because of the pastryarchy.

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Looking down in the mouth

Our den­tist spon­sored my kids’ Lit­tle League team, so when they won the cham­pi­onship they were expect­ing a big tro­phy. But all they got was a lit­tle plaque.

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If you carrot all

What’s small, red, and whis­pers? A hoarse radish.

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Pan-historic

Would a wan­der­ing cave­man be a Meanderthal?

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Feline fine

I acci­den­tal­ly took my cat’s meds this morn­ing… don’t ask meow.

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All ye know

Have you ever con­sid­ered how good-look­ing the sec­ond let­ter of the word “hive” is? I’ve always said that beau­ty is in the “i” of the bee holder.

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Reptile disfunction

I saw a chameleon today. It wasn’t a very good one.

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The best half

– “Doc­tor Doc­tor, I only ever hear half of what’s being said!” – “Let’s put that to the test. Repeat after me: six­­ty-six.” – “Thir­­­ty-three!”

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Frühstück der Champions

Many peo­ple in Ger­many, fear­ing anoth­er Covid spike, are buy­ing up cheese and sausages. Prepar­ing for a wurst kase scenario.

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Brought to heel

Know what you call 12-inch cars? Foot traffic.

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Even the timbers are shivering

Why does Covid-19 spread so rapid­ly in the pirate com­mu­ni­ty? Because of the high arrrr value.

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Stick the landing

What sound does an air­plane make when it bounces on land­ing? Boe­ing, boe­ing, boeing.

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High verden

What do Ger­man air force pilots eat for break­fast? Luftwaffles.

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Nary a whale

Why are haunt­ed ships the most effi­cient? Because they run with a skele­ton crew.

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Disruptor

I just end­ed a 5 year rela­tion­ship… — OMG are you okay? — I’m fine, it wasn’t my relationship.

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Ex-Space

Dig­ging tun­nels deep under­ground, using com­plex machin­ery, sounds fas­ci­nat­ing. But it’s real­ly boring.

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Blahnikus Rex

What do you call a dinosaur in high heels? Myfeetaresaurus.

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Shiny

To who­ev­er stole my mir­ror… I hope you reflect on what you’ve done.

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Sphere itself

Why has this Covid sit­u­a­tion been espe­cial­ly stress­ful on the Flat Earth soci­ety? Even though last year they were excit­ed about flat­ten­ing the curve, long-term they fear that social dis­tanc­ing mea­sures could actu­al­ly push peo­ple over the edge.

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Last inning Homer

What do bak­ers say when they’ve for­got­ten to put their bread in the oven? D’ough!

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Big ten four

My wife hates how I always pre­tend we are on walkie-talkies. Wife: Our rela­tion­ship is over. Me: Our rela­tion­ship is what? Over.

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MC Rex

What do you call a pre­his­toric hip hop artist? Velocirapstar.

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Always Russian

Know how the hack­er escaped the police? He just ransomware.

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First day of X‑Box

How do you hide a new video game before Christ­mas? You put the car­tridge in a pear tree.

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Name’s Sal. Sal Amander.

Sci­en­tists have found a dwarf species of axolotl. They’ve named it the axolitl.

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Takes brains

What do you call a zom­bie who stir-fries? Dead man wok-ing.

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Nieder

My grand­fa­ther brought down 23 Ger­man planes in WW-II. Worst mechan­ic the Luft­waffe ever had.

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I’m on a horse

Know when Old Spice was invent­ed? Dur­ing cologne-ial times.

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Pharaoh nuff

The arche­ol­o­gist made a big mis­take: He thought he’d found a Pharaoh’s tomb, but it was just some old Giza.

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Say that five times fast

Pen­guins pro­duce an oil that helps their feath­ers retain heat. The oily bird gets the warm.

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Heavier than a wand

What would you call some­one who’s a wiz­ard at weightlift­ing? Albus Dumbbelldore.

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Magnetic

I was gonna hold off mak­ing a joke about super­con­duc­tors… But I just couldn’t resist.

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It’s the eating tin cans that gets to me

A man goes to a psy­chi­a­trist and says, “Doc, I keep hav­ing delu­sions that I’m a goat. Ever since I was a kid…”

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There will be a Tesla

Know why elec­tric cars are so expen­sive? Because they charge a lot.

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Deck ’em

To who­ev­er stole my deck of cards: I can’t deal with you.

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Wrong on so many levels

To who­ev­er stole my ele­va­tor joke: I know what you’re up to.

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On the hoof

To who­ev­er stole my cow… My beef is with you, sir!

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There is no try

What do you call a can open­er that doesn’t work? A can’t opener.

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Bright idea

My friend is quite the inven­tor. He’s man­aged to cre­ate a light­bulb pow­ered only by word­plays. Now he’s got a sock­et full of punshine.

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Cutting

To the per­son who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.

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Fifteen yards

It’s against the rules for NFL play­ers to own a duck. It’s a per­son­al fowl.

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Hogwarts take note

My dyslex­ia has reached a new owl.

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Time for reflection

Pro­fes­sion­al mir­ror pho­tog­ra­phy. It’s a job I could real­ly see myself doing.

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King’s Gambit Reclined

I real­ly love my fur­ni­ture. My reclin­er and I go way back.

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In a manner of squeaking

Ever used WD40 to get rid of mice? It doesn’t work, but it does stop them squeaking.

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Causation

My ex-girl­friend just told me she wants us to get back togeth­er again. Man, I sure am lucky! I mean, first I win the lot­tery and now this!

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Sir Tom

I keep call­ing my wife Delilah even though her name is Delia. I keep call­ing our lawn “the green, green grass of home.” And worst of all, every time I see a cat, I can’t help but ask, “What’s new, pussy­cat?” It turns out I have Tom Jones Syn­drome. My doc­tor says it’s not unusual.

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Say It Ain’t So

Know who Old Mac­Don­ald called on to pro­tect his farm? GI-GI-Joe.

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Rock paper

We start­ed a band and called it “Books.” So no one can judge us by our covers.

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Visionary

Called in blind today. Just couldn’t see myself going to work.

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Set my cap

Edu­cat­ed peo­ple are hot. They have more degrees.

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Flag is a big plus

What do you call a woman with a bot­tle open­er in one hand, a knife in the oth­er hand, a pair of scis­sors under her arm, and a corkscrew behind her ear? Swiss Army Wife.

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Room for the black hat

What’s a cow­boys favorite car? Audi, partner.

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The buzz

Did you know that bees are actu­al­ly aller­gic to pollen? They break out in hives.

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Dr. Manga

My doc­tor diag­nosed me with a chron­ic toma­to sauce defi­cien­cy. He pre­scribed med­ical marinara.

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A salted

What did one dried fish said to the oth­er? Long time no sea.

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It’s a parent

Know what it takes to be able to tell a dad joke? You have to be a groan man.

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Beleaf it

I got a pro­mo­tion at the tree farm. I’m now a branch manager.

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That trick never works

How is a moose dif­fer­ent from an ant? Moose have antlers but ants don’t have mooselers.

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And heat it too

When we moved into my new igloo our friends threw a house-war­m­ing par­ty. Now we’re homeless.

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On track

Train con­duc­tors can nev­er be trust­ed. They all have loco motives.

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Vin Number

They’re releas­ing a tenth install­ment of the Fast & Furi­ous fran­chise. It’ll be called “Fast Ten: Your Seat Belts.”

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SEO

How many click­bait arti­cles does it take to change a light bulb? The answer will shock you!

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On the up and up

A friend invit­ed me to a feath­­­er-themed fan­cy dress par­ty. “Sure,” I said. “I’m down.”

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Hear you knockin’

Did you know that sinks can’t open doors? Let that sink in.

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Knit wet

What sport needs a life jack­et, a pad­dle, and a ball of yarn? White­wa­ter crafting.

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Stage I’m going through

I just got fired from my job as a set design­er. I left with­out mak­ing a scene.

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Don’t you remember?

How many nar­cis­sists does it take to change a light­bulb? None, they all use gaslighting.

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Hoofer

Know what you call a gang­ster horse? Al Capony.

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Stand-up guy

I had to stop going to the local com­e­dy cof­fee shop. Too much brew ha ha.

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With hand on ADA manual

Know what the judge said to the den­tist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and noth­ing but the tooth?

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Hop on Pop

A frog got his DNA test­ed. Turns out he’s part Irish, part British, and a tad Pole.

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What the Internet was invented for

I know why YouTube con­stant­ly rec­om­mends videos of danc­ing for­mer Vice Pres­i­dents. It’s just the Al Gore rhythm.

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Chicken Tinder

I cre­at­ed a dat­ing app for chick­ens. It’s not my day job, it’s just to make hens meet.

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Dem Bones

Archae­ol­o­gists are hav­ing a par­ty to cel­e­brate unearthing the largest dinosaur tib­ia ever found. It’s going to be quite the shindig.

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Keeping a lid on it

I love eye jokes. The cornea the better.

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Googly

I heard that crick­et match­es can last for days. No rest for the wick­et, I suppose.

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Helpmeet

I wish I was sin­gle for one day. Being sin­gle my whole life is exhausting.

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Coma Berenices

Why do astronomers add ground beef to their sham­poo? So they can have meati­er showers.

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Lettuce see

Does every sen­tence have to men­tion some kind of veg­etable? Not necesscelery.

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A touch of red

I tried donat­ing blood today… nev­er again! Too many ques­tions. Like, “Whose blood is this?”, “How did you get it?”, “Why is it in a bucket?”

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Works for cells too

It’s impor­tant to wear glass­es dur­ing math class. It improves division.

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On a winter’s day

Nev­er buy let­tuce from The Mamas and The Papas Gro­cery. All the leaves are brown.

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Noodling

You know what font they use for the let­ter noo­dles in alpha­bet soup? Times New Ramen.

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Solitaire till dawn

Back in the 80s, I’d often dress up nice­ly, go out and order din­ner for one, see movies alone, take long soli­tary walks… Wow, I’m real­ly dat­ing myself.

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What a drag

Know what they call the soft, sweet cheese served at Amer­i­can stock car rac­ing tracks? NASCARpone.

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Yes weigh

I’m try­ing to get back down to my orig­i­nal weight. 8 lbs 9 oz.

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Blocked chain

Bat­man invit­ed all the super­heroes for a dis­cus­sion on Bit­coin, but Super­man didn’t show up. Because it was cryp­to night.

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But I will

Do I have to keep mak­ing dad jokes? The short answer is No. The long answer is Nnnnnnnnnoooooooo.

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.– .- .. -

My wife Dorothy left me because of my obses­sion with Morse code. I said, “Please don’t dash, Dot!”

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Bring lawn chairs

Know where elder­ly Egypt­ian guys gath­ered in the ancient king­dom? At the Great Pyra­mid of Geezer.

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Like clockwork

Every night at 8:50 sharp my wrist starts hurt­ing. Doc­tor diag­nosed a case of ten-to-ninetis.

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M&M

Know what hip hop artists call their sheet music? Rap­ping paper.

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The measure of man

Did you know athlete’s foot only occurs in the US? Every­where else it’s athlete’s meter.

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Beknighted

I Googled “lost medieval ser­vant boy” — got “Page not found.”

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Poultry in motion

I grilled a chick­en for two hours. It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road.

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Metallurgy

What if Iron Man teamed up with the Sil­ver Surfer? They would be alloys.

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It’s complicated

I have an irra­tional fear of over-designed build­ings. It’s a com­plex com­plex complex.

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Here’s to it

I final­ly quit drink­ing for good. Now I drink for evil.

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Where rabbits live

It’s a shame noth­ing is made in the USA any­more. I just bought a TV that said “Built in Anten­na.” I don’t even know where that is!

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Steamed

Know why it’s a bad idea to iron your four-leaf clover? You shouldn’t press your luck.

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Common denominator

Doc, it hurts when I poke myself on the shoul­der and when I poke myself on the fore­head and when I poke myself on the thigh. Doc­tor: Your fin­ger is broken.

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Zzzz

Tired? There’s a nap for that.

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Giftie gie us

My girl­friend said if I bought her one more stu­pid gift, she would burn it. So I bought her a candle.

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Spukhafte Fernwirkung

How many Ger­mans does it take to change a light­bulb? One. They’re very effi­cient, and not par­tic­u­lar­ly funny.

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What dwells within

My mom was a radi­ol­o­gist, and she met my dad when he came in for an x‑ray. I won­der what she saw in him.

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Merry meet

I caught a cold near the carousel. Heard there was some­thing going around.

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Whole lotta shakin’

Two tec­ton­ic plates bumped into one anoth­er. They both said “Sor­ry, my fault.”

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So transparent it’s a pane

Nev­er lie to an x‑ray techi­cian. They can see right through you.

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Thinking outside the box

“Dad, how did you trim the hedges so straight?” “With cut­ting hedge technology.”

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Not what you want to hear

My doc­tor said I have a blad­der infec­tion. I asked him what that means and he replied, “Urine trouble.”

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Your DNA is backwards. AND?

Anoth­er name for a pater­ni­ty test? Pop quiz.

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Resistance is futile

My wife says I’m use­less at fix­ing elec­tri­cal appli­ances. Well, she’s in for a shock.

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Y’all

Best way to kill a south­ern vam­pire? Bless his heart.

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Working all the Engles

Why did the Red Army have so many excel­lent snipers? It’s because they were all Marx men.

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Now we know how she lost that slipper

Know why Cin­derel­la was kicked off the soc­cer team? She kept run­ning away from the ball.

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Worm flavored

I woke up this morn­ing to find two birds sit­ting in the sun in the back­yard eat­ing ice cream. They were Bask­ing Robins.

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Not aloud

I lost one of my wife’s audio books. I know I will nev­er hear the end of it.

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Arcimboldo has a lot to answer for

My girl­friend changed a lot since she became veg­an. It’s like I’ve nev­er seen herbivore.

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Dutch treat

I have a Dutch drone that stays in the air indef­i­nite­ly. It Netherlands.

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F‑150 bronco

What do cow­boys use to move from state to state? Yee-Hauls.

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Ends in a vowel

The Ital­ian chef got locked out of his restau­rant… He had gnocchi.

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Downhill from here

I had to give a pre­sen­ta­tion on play­grounds. There were lots of slides.

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Mezzo

My friend Tony asked me not to say his name back­wards. I said y not?

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You say potato

At first I despised shel­ter­ing in place, but now I love it. I think it’s stuck-home syndrome.

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Nobody home

I exer­cise by run­ning up the street and knock­ing on all the doors. Jehovah’s Fitness.

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Bar none

Two dogs walked into a bar. It was yap­py hour.

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Must have umlaüts

The CEO of IKEA was just elect­ed prime min­is­ter of Swe­den. It’ll take him a week to assem­ble his cabinet.

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Beat it

I’m not a com­pet­i­tive per­son. And I’ll be the first to admit it.

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Garbanzo

The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a tune. But the Chick Peas can only hum­mus one.

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Upstream

I crossed a coho salmon with a sock­eye salmon. Got a cock­eyed salmon.

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Old school ties

What do you call a fish wear­ing a bowtie? Sofishticated.

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Signs of spring

Went to an open-air cafe yes­ter­day and it rained. Took me an hour to eat my soup.

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Taxi please

Robert de Niro is asked if he has any fam­i­ly in Salt Lake City, and he growls, “Utah kin to me?”

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Multi culti

An Amer­i­can, a French­man, a Mex­i­can, and a Ger­man were all attend­ing a Zoom meet­ing. The super­vi­sor asked, “Can you all see me OK?” To which they answered, “Yes” “Oui” “Si” “Ja.”

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Bite squad

I went to an ortho­don­tist who only charged me $1. That’s why I have buck teeth.

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Blew right pasta

My neigh­bor came over to bor­row some spaghet­ti and asked what she owed me. I said, “It’ll cost you a pret­ty penne.”

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Dabrichaun

My stim­u­lus check came on St. Patrick’s Day. That’s what I call the luck of the IRS.

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Vont tres bien ensemble

I was inter­ro­gat­ing a crab and I asked it, “What’s your name? Where do you live? What’s that on your back?” It said: “Michelle.”

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Brought to heel

I had a dream where I was being chased by a huge pair of shoes. Catch­ing up to me was no small feet.

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First bat of spring

What do you call Bat­man when he’s bad­ly hurt? Bruised Wayne.

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Going down

I wrote a book on base­ments… it’s on the Best Cel­lars list.

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Dependable

My wife has the weird­est aba­cus tat­too on her back. But I can always count on her.

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Proscription

My doc­tor has advised me to stop drink­ing. It’s going to be a mas­sive change for me, I’ve been with that doc­tor for 15 years.

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Nope

Did you know: in Iran they are pet­ri­fied of spi­ders. But in Iraq, no phobia.

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Well

I went into the kitchen this morn­ing and there was a “Get Bet­ter Soon” card on the table for me. I called out to my wife ask­ing what it was for because I wasn’t sick. She shout­ed back from the oth­er room, “It’s an ultimatum.”

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Misfire

Google is so use­less. I’ve been search­ing for lighters — it showed 3,580,642 match­es instead.

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Watch for impactors

Why did the dinosaur cross the road? The chick­en hadn’t evolved yet.

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But you didn’t get it.

The punch­line always comes before the joke. What is the worst part about time trav­el jokes?

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Nothing runs like…

My wife took off with a trac­tor sales­man. Left me with a John Deere letter.

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Little white lie

A garbage man was doing the rounds one morn­ing. He came to a house where there was no bin out front, but there was a man sit­ting on the porch. — G‘man: “Hey! Where’s ya bin?” Guy: “I’ve been in Flori­da.” — G‘man: “No, no. I meant where’s ya wheely bin?” Guy: “I’ve real­ly been in jail but I tell every­one I’ve Read More …

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Now you see them

I come from a fam­i­ly of magi­cians, which may be why I have two half sisters.

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Burn

My dad found out that I had an imag­i­nary girl­friend. Dad: “You can do much bet­ter, you know!” Me: “Thanks Dad. That means so much to me.” Dad: “I was talk­ing to her.”

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Wide open

Just had an offi­cer at the door say­ing he was look­ing for a man with one eye. Told him he’d prob­a­bly find him a lot quick­er if he used both.

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Mon

Mon­day is Jamaican Day at work. I’m dread­ing it.

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No quarter given

I have a jar where I put in a quar­ter every time I have a neg­a­tive thought. It’s half empty.

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Spliced

In the old days, exces­sive use of com­mas was con­sid­ered a seri­ous crime. It usu­al­ly result­ed in a long sen­tence. (h/t Nathaniel Moore)

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Thousand faces

When I was a kid, my moth­er told me I could be any­one I want­ed to be. Turns out, iden­ti­ty theft is a crime.

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Got it covered

A truck car­ry­ing toupees jack­nifed on the high­way, scat­ter­ing its car­go. Police are comb­ing the area.

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Hidden bodies

A new strain of head lice has appeared that is resis­tant to con­ven­tion­al treat­ments. This has left sci­en­tists scratch­ing their heads.

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Crack

The chiropractor’s to-do list: 1. Get back to work.

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How would you count them?

What do you call big black birds that stick togeth­er? Velcrows.

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Leave me bee

What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabi!

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Yes, wonderful things

You know how some ancient tombs have mon­ey or valu­ables buried with their inhab­i­tants? That’s the first cryptocurrency.

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At least it’s not Covid

I had mono in col­lege. Went to the doc­tor today with sim­i­lar symp­toms but twice as bad… Turns out I have stereo.

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Potassium hypophosphate

H20 is inside a fire hydrant, but on the out­side there’s only K9P.

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Or you could try Dinah Soare

I asked the librar­i­an if she knew the author of a dinosaur book. She said try Sarah Topps.

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Positively

I used to get small shocks every time I touched met­al objects, but I don’t any­more. I’m just ex-static.

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Stay away from stairs

My exper­i­ment of cross-breed­ing a roost­er with a Slinky has failed. Alas, I’ve no spring chicken.

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Is it any wonder

Know what you call some­one who can’t stop watch­ing films with a strong female lead? Hero­ine addict.

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Canon fire

What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer? Father-in-law.

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Mellow

I didn’t mean to take so much of my anx­i­ety med­ica­tion. It was Xanax-ident.

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Unbearable

What do you call bears with no teeth? (Gum­my bears.) What do you call bears with no ears? (B.)

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The full Monty

I work as a tat­too artist in a well­ness cen­ter mak­ing very spe­cif­ic designs, and every­one is real­ly sur­prised when I tell them that I’m also a doc­tor. Nobody expects the spa niche ink physician.

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I want my Maypo

I’ve always want­ed to tap my neigh­bors’ maple tree, but he wouldn’t give me per­mis­sion. Think I could do it syruptitiously?

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Get away

I met my wife at a trav­el agency. She was look­ing for a vaca­tion and I was her last resort.

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Sand which is there

I refuse to do drugs hard­er than cocaine. Got to draw the line somewhere.

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Stretching it

I hope Elon Musk nev­er gets into a scan­dal… Elon-gate would be real­ly drawn out.

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Apologies to QAnon

Know what you call a komo­do drag­on who runs a casi­no? The lizard of odds.

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J’accuse

I got the words “Jacuzzi” and “Yakuza” con­fused. Now I’m in hot water with the Japan­ese mafia.

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Transparent

I jok­ing­ly told the X‑ray tech­ni­cian that I don’t believe in X‑rays. But she saw right through me.

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With bagpipes

Know what you call a Scots­man with a bad hair­cut? Mul­let of Kintyre.

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Just about to lose my mind

I was walk­ing with 18 cows from one ranch to anoth­er and took a short­cut through a vine­yard. I herd­ed through the grapevine.

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To bee or…

I found an old vinyl record of insect sounds and put it on, expect­ing relax­ing ambi­ent back­ground like cicadas and such. But all I got was a dron­ing buzz. That’s when I real­ized I was play­ing the bee side.

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Mellow

Police are look­ing for a man sell­ing mar­i­jua­na to seabirds. Eye­wit­ness said he left no tern unstoned.

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Siege my liege

Scene: a 13th-cen­­­tu­ry feu­dal upris­ing. Rebels are besieg­ing the cas­tle. They man­age to kill the eldest son of the Duke by knock­ing him off the ram­parts with a lucky tre­buchet vol­ley, using as a pay­load the sev­ered head of a peas­ant. It was the first serf-face-to-heir mis­sile. (h/t John Garison)

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An attic full

Any­one want some old copies of Chi­ro­prac­tic Month­ly? I’ve got loads of back issues.

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Memories

One of my ear­li­est mem­o­ries is see­ing my mother’s face through the oven win­dow. As we played hide and seek and she said, “You’re get­ting warmer.” (h/t Mil­ton Jones)

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Core available, but not to you

There’s an Ama­zon for­est but no Microsoft for­est – know why that is? It’s been logged out.

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Something fishy

Texas Pris­on­er Found Dead After Con­sum­ing Smug­gled Fish Eggs. Died on Death Roe.

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Coersion

My room­mate had a com­bined Burns Night and Chi­nese New Year par­ty he called Chi­nese Burns Night. I wasn’t going to go, but he twist­ed my arm.

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Seven story mountain

My friend became a monk recent­ly. I asked him if he’d tak­en a vow of silence, but he didn’t answer. I guess it goes with­out saying.

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City in Switzerland

Know what you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills? Bernadette.

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Zip it

I was in a con­test where you lost if you talked. It was quite the com­petion, to say the least.

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Kernel of the matter

If any­one has a sug­ges­tion on how to reverse the spell that turned me into corn… I’m all ears.

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Learns together

— “Da..a..a..d, are we pyro­ma­ni­acs?” — ”Yes we arson.”

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#1 cause of dry skin

My friend the snake charmer is mar­ry­ing an under­tak­er. As a wed­ding gift I bought them some “Hiss and Hearse” towels.

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Perusing

I don‘t trust the owls at Machu Pichu. They’re all Inca hoots.

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Have and to hold

I asked my dad if gay peo­ple should get mar­ried and he said, “Haven’t they suf­fered enough?”

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Self, meet evident

What do you call some­one who points out the obvi­ous? Some­one who points out the obvious.

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Just why?

A chick­en and a duck are stand­ing by the side of a road. Chick­en clucks to his friend, “Don’t do it mate, you’ll nev­er hear the end of it.”

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Sprint

Did you know that ancient Greeks would shave their heads before the Olympics to run faster? Mod­ern his­to­ri­ans call it balderdash.

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You can call me Th’

Know what Alexan­der the Great and Win­nie the Pooh have in com­mon? Same mid­dle name.

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Population explosion

Appar­ent­ly one in three Britons is con­ceived in an IKEA bed, which is mad because those places are real­ly well lit. (h/t Mark Smith)

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Asked and not answered

I’ve giv­en up ask­ing rhetor­i­cal ques­tions. What’s the point? (h/t Alex­ei Sayle)

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Hair raising

My wife’s hair­dress­er want­ed her to sign a long-term ser­vice agree­ment before set­ting up an appoint­ment, but she refused. Just couldn’t accept all those perms and conditions.

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Crowd sore

You know how they throw the ball into the crowd after they win the game? Appar­ent­ly that’s not allowed in bowl­ing. I know that now.

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Cast of thousands

You know why we tell actors “Break a leg,” don’t you? Because every play has a cast.

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IKR?

Some peo­ple always want their opin­ion val­i­dat­ed. Am I right?

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Bern the meme

Know why Bernie wore those mit­tens? Tem­per­a­ture was minus 45.

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Cookin’ with gas

The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees”… But now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.

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Tuit

My New Year’s res­o­lu­tion is to get in shape. I choose round. (h/t Sarah Millican)

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College bored

The Col­lege Board is phas­ing out the essay por­tion of the SAT. Hence­forth the test will be known as the T.

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Wild hare

Elton John has bought his pet rab­bit a tread­mill. It’s a lit­tle fit bunny.

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Big science

I know what fish study in school. Algaebra.

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Soap

My wife says she’s divorc­ing me because of my obses­sion with tele­vi­sion dra­mas. But will she leave? Find out next week.

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Of the earth

Doc­tor said I’m at risk of a heart attack due to high sodi­um intake. I took what he said with a grain of salt.

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Obstacles

If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tun­nel, then on to a lit­tle see­saw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that. (h/t Mil­ton Jones)

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Cross that bridge

I’ve just been on a once-in-a-life­­­time hol­i­day. I’ll tell you what, nev­er again. (h/t Tim Vine)

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One ringy dingy

When a Jehovah’s Wit­ness dies, does Heav­en turn out the lights and pre­tend nobody’s home?

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Saw through that one

The Invis­i­ble Man mar­ried an invis­i­ble woman. The kids were noth­ing to look at either.

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Splitsville

I said to the gym instruc­tor, “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flex­i­ble are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tues­days.” (h/t Tim Vine)

1 com­ment

Salty

I’m so old, I remem­ber when the Dead Sea was just sick.

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