Portfolio

With hand on ADA manual

Know what the judge said to the den­tist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and noth­ing but the tooth?

0 com­ments

Hop on Pop

A frog got his DNA test­ed. Turns out he’s part Irish, part British, and a tad Pole.

0 com­ments

What the Internet was invented for

I know why YouTube con­stant­ly rec­om­mends videos of danc­ing for­mer Vice Pres­i­dents. It’s just the Al Gore rhythm.

0 com­ments

Chicken Tinder

I cre­at­ed a dat­ing app for chick­ens. It’s not my day job, it’s just to make hens meet.

0 com­ments

Dem Bones

Archae­ol­o­gists are hav­ing a par­ty to cel­e­brate unearthing the largest dinosaur tib­ia ever found. It’s going to be quite the shindig.

0 com­ments

Keeping a lid on it

I love eye jokes. The cornea the better.

0 com­ments

Googly

I heard that crick­et match­es can last for days. No rest for the wick­et, I suppose.

0 com­ments

Helpmeet

I wish I was sin­gle for one day. Being sin­gle my whole life is exhausting.

0 com­ments

Coma Berenices

Why do astronomers add ground beef to their sham­poo? So they can have meati­er showers.

0 com­ments

Lettuce see

Does every sen­tence have to men­tion some kind of veg­etable? Not necesscelery.

0 com­ments

A touch of red

I tried donat­ing blood today… nev­er again! Too many ques­tions. Like, “Whose blood is this?”, “How did you get it?”, “Why is it in a bucket?”

0 com­ments

Works for cells too

It’s impor­tant to wear glass­es dur­ing math class. It improves division.

0 com­ments

On a winter’s day

Nev­er buy let­tuce from The Mamas and The Papas Gro­cery. All the leaves are brown.

0 com­ments

Noodling

You know what font they use for the let­ter noo­dles in alpha­bet soup? Times New Ramen.

0 com­ments

Solitaire till dawn

Back in the 80s, I’d often dress up nice­ly, go out and order din­ner for one, see movies alone, take long soli­tary walks… Wow, I’m real­ly dat­ing myself.

0 com­ments

What a drag

Know what they call the soft, sweet cheese served at Amer­i­can stock car rac­ing tracks? NASCARpone.

0 com­ments

Yes weigh

I’m try­ing to get back down to my orig­i­nal weight. 8 lbs 9 oz.

0 com­ments

Blocked chain

Bat­man invit­ed all the super­heroes for a dis­cus­sion on Bit­coin, but Super­man didn’t show up. Because it was cryp­to night.

0 com­ments

But I will

Do I have to keep mak­ing dad jokes? The short answer is No. The long answer is Nnnnnnnnnoooooooo.

2 com­ments

.– .- .. -

My wife Dorothy left me because of my obses­sion with Morse code. I said, “Please don’t dash, Dot!”

0 com­ments

Bring lawn chairs

Know where elder­ly Egypt­ian guys gath­ered in the ancient king­dom? At the Great Pyra­mid of Geezer.

0 com­ments

Like clockwork

Every night at 8:50 sharp my wrist starts hurt­ing. Doc­tor diag­nosed a case of ten-to-ninetis.

0 com­ments

M&M

Know what hip hop artists call their sheet music? Rap­ping paper.

0 com­ments

The measure of man

Did you know athlete’s foot only occurs in the US? Every­where else it’s athlete’s meter.

0 com­ments

Beknighted

I Googled “lost medieval ser­vant boy” — got “Page not found.”

0 com­ments

Poultry in motion

I grilled a chick­en for two hours. It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road.

0 com­ments

Metallurgy

What if Iron Man teamed up with the Sil­ver Surfer? They would be alloys.

0 com­ments

It’s complicated

I have an irra­tional fear of over-designed build­ings. It’s a com­plex com­plex complex.

0 com­ments

Here’s to it

I final­ly quit drink­ing for good. Now I drink for evil.

0 com­ments

Where rabbits live

It’s a shame noth­ing is made in the USA any­more. I just bought a TV that said “Built in Anten­na.” I don’t even know where that is!

0 com­ments

Steamed

Know why it’s a bad idea to iron your four-leaf clover? You shouldn’t press your luck.

0 com­ments

Common denominator

Doc, it hurts when I poke myself on the shoul­der and when I poke myself on the fore­head and when I poke myself on the thigh. Doc­tor: Your fin­ger is broken.

0 com­ments

Zzzz

Tired? There’s a nap for that.

0 com­ments

Giftie gie us

My girl­friend said if I bought her one more stu­pid gift, she would burn it. So I bought her a candle.

0 com­ments

Spukhafte Fernwirkung

How many Ger­mans does it take to change a light­bulb? One. They’re very effi­cient, and not par­tic­u­lar­ly funny.

0 com­ments

What dwells within

My mom was a radi­ol­o­gist, and she met my dad when he came in for an x‑ray. I won­der what she saw in him.

0 com­ments

Merry meet

I caught a cold near the carousel. Heard there was some­thing going around.

0 com­ments

Whole lotta shakin’

Two tec­ton­ic plates bumped into one anoth­er. They both said “Sor­ry, my fault.”

0 com­ments

So transparent it’s a pane

Nev­er lie to an x‑ray techi­cian. They can see right through you.

0 com­ments

Thinking outside the box

“Dad, how did you trim the hedges so straight?” “With cut­ting hedge technology.”

0 com­ments

Not what you want to hear

My doc­tor said I have a blad­der infec­tion. I asked him what that means and he replied, “Urine trouble.”

0 com­ments

Your DNA is backwards. AND?

Anoth­er name for a pater­ni­ty test? Pop quiz.

0 com­ments

Resistance is futile

My wife says I’m use­less at fix­ing elec­tri­cal appli­ances. Well, she’s in for a shock.

0 com­ments

Y’all

Best way to kill a south­ern vam­pire? Bless his heart.

0 com­ments

Working all the Engles

Why did the Red Army have so many excel­lent snipers? It’s because they were all Marx men.

0 com­ments

Now we know how she lost that slipper

Know why Cin­derel­la was kicked off the soc­cer team? She kept run­ning away from the ball.

0 com­ments

Worm flavored

I woke up this morn­ing to find two birds sit­ting in the sun in the back­yard eat­ing ice cream. They were Bask­ing Robins.

0 com­ments

Not aloud

I lost one of my wife’s audio books. I know I will nev­er hear the end of it.

0 com­ments

Arcimboldo has a lot to answer for

My girl­friend changed a lot since she became veg­an. It’s like I’ve nev­er seen herbivore.

0 com­ments

Dutch treat

I have a Dutch drone that stays in the air indef­i­nite­ly. It Netherlands.

0 com­ments

F‑150 bronco

What do cow­boys use to move from state to state? Yee-Hauls.

0 com­ments

Ends in a vowel

The Ital­ian chef got locked out of his restau­rant… He had gnocchi.

0 com­ments

Downhill from here

I had to give a pre­sen­ta­tion on play­grounds. There were lots of slides.

0 com­ments

Mezzo

My friend Tony asked me not to say his name back­wards. I said y not?

0 com­ments

You say potato

At first I despised shel­ter­ing in place, but now I love it. I think it’s stuck-home syndrome.

0 com­ments

Nobody home

I exer­cise by run­ning up the street and knock­ing on all the doors. Jehovah’s Fitness.

0 com­ments

Bar none

Two dogs walked into a bar. It was yap­py hour.

0 com­ments

Must have umlaüts

The CEO of IKEA was just elect­ed prime min­is­ter of Swe­den. It’ll take him a week to assem­ble his cabinet.

0 com­ments

Beat it

I’m not a com­pet­i­tive per­son. And I’ll be the first to admit it.

0 com­ments

Garbanzo

The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a tune. But the Chick Peas can only hum­mus one.

0 com­ments

Upstream

I crossed a coho salmon with a sock­eye salmon. Got a cock­eyed salmon.

0 com­ments

Old school ties

What do you call a fish wear­ing a bowtie? Sofishticated.

0 com­ments

Signs of spring

Went to an open-air cafe yes­ter­day and it rained. Took me an hour to eat my soup.

0 com­ments

Taxi please

Robert de Niro is asked if he has any fam­i­ly in Salt Lake City, and he growls, “Utah kin to me?”

0 com­ments

Multi culti

An Amer­i­can, a French­man, a Mex­i­can, and a Ger­man where all attend­ing a Zoom meet­ing. The super­vi­sor asked, “Can you all see me OK?” To which they answered, “Yes” “Oui” “Si” “Ja.”

0 com­ments

Bite squad

I went to an ortho­don­tist who only charged me $1. That’s why I have buck teeth.

0 com­ments

Blew right pasta

My neigh­bor came over to bor­row some spaghet­ti and asked what she owed me. I said, “It’ll cost you a pret­ty penne.”

0 com­ments

Dabrichaun

My stim­u­lus check came on St. Patrick’s Day. That’s what I call the luck of the IRS.

0 com­ments

Vont tres bien ensemble

I was inter­ro­gat­ing a crab and I asked it, “What’s your name? Where do you live? What’s that on your back?” It said: “Michelle.”

0 com­ments

Brought to heel

I had a dream where I was being chased by a huge pair of shoes. Catch­ing up to me was no small feet.

0 com­ments

First bat of spring

What do you call Bat­man when he’s bad­ly hurt? Bruised Wayne.

0 com­ments

Going down

I wrote a book on base­ments… it’s on the Best Cel­lars list.

0 com­ments

Dependable

My wife has the weird­est aba­cus tat­too on her back. But I can always count on her.

0 com­ments

Proscription

My doc­tor has advised me to stop drink­ing. It’s going to be a mas­sive change for me, I’ve been with that doc­tor for 15 years.

0 com­ments

Nope

Did you know: in Iran they are pet­ri­fied of spi­ders. But in Iraq, no phobia.

0 com­ments

Well

I went into the kitchen this morn­ing and there was a “Get Bet­ter Soon” card on the table for me. I called out to my wife ask­ing what it was for because I wasn’t sick. She shout­ed back from the oth­er room, “It’s an ultimatum.”

0 com­ments

Misfire

Google is so use­less. I’ve been search­ing for lighters — it showed 3,580,642 match­es instead.

0 com­ments

Watch for impactors

Why did the dinosaur cross the road? The chick­en hadn’t evolved yet.

0 com­ments

But you didn’t get it.

The punch­line always comes before the joke. What is the worst part about time trav­el jokes?

0 com­ments

Nothing runs like…

My wife took off with a trac­tor sales­man. Left me with a John Deere letter.

0 com­ments

Little white lie

A garbage man was doing the rounds one morn­ing. He came to a house where there was no bin out front, but there was a man sit­ting on the porch. — G‘man: “Hey! Where’s ya bin?” Guy: “I’ve been in Flori­da.” — G‘man: “No, no. I meant where’s ya wheely bin?” Guy: “I’ve real­ly been in jail but I tell every­one I’ve been in Florida.”

0 com­ments

Now you see them

I come from a fam­i­ly of magi­cians, which may be why I have two half sisters.

0 com­ments

Burn

My dad found out that I had an imag­i­nary girl­friend. Dad: “You can do much bet­ter, you know!” Me: “Thanks Dad. That means so much to me.” Dad: “I was talk­ing to her.”

0 com­ments

Wide open

Just had an offi­cer at the door say­ing he was look­ing for a man with one eye. Told him he’d prob­a­bly find him a lot quick­er if he used both.

0 com­ments

Mon

Mon­day is Jamaican Day at work. I’m dread­ing it.

0 com­ments

No quarter given

I have a jar where I put in a quar­ter every time I have a neg­a­tive thought. It’s half empty.

0 com­ments

Spliced

In the old days, exces­sive use of com­mas was con­sid­ered a seri­ous crime. It usu­al­ly result­ed in a long sen­tence. (h/t Nathaniel Moore)

0 com­ments

Thousand faces

When I was a kid, my moth­er told me I could be any­one I want­ed to be. Turns out, iden­ti­ty theft is a crime.

0 com­ments

Got it covered

A truck car­ry­ing toupees jack­nifed on the high­way, scat­ter­ing its car­go. Police are comb­ing the area.

0 com­ments

Hidden bodies

A new strain of head lice has appeared that is resis­tant to con­ven­tion­al treat­ments. This has left sci­en­tists scratch­ing their heads.

0 com­ments

Crack

The chiropractor’s to-do list: 1. Get back to work.

0 com­ments

How would you count them?

What do you call big black birds that stick togeth­er? Velcrows.

0 com­ments

Leave me bee

What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabi!

0 com­ments

Yes, wonderful things

You know how some ancient tombs have mon­ey or valu­ables buried with their inhab­i­tants? That’s the first cryptocurrency.

0 com­ments

At least it’s not Covid

I had mono in col­lege. Went to the doc­tor today with sim­i­lar symp­toms but twice as bad… Turns out I have stereo.

0 com­ments

Potassium hypophosphate

H20 is inside a fire hydrant, but on the out­side there’s only K9P.

0 com­ments

Or you could try Dinah Soare

I asked the librar­i­an if she knew the author of a dinosaur book. She said try Sarah Topps.

0 com­ments

Positively

I used to get small shocks every time I touched met­al objects, but I don’t any­more. I’m just ex-static.

0 com­ments

Stay away from stairs

My exper­i­ment of cross-breed­ing a roost­er with a Slinky has failed. Alas, I’ve no spring chicken.

0 com­ments

Is it any wonder

Know what you call some­one who can’t stop watch­ing films with a strong female lead? Hero­ine addict.

0 com­ments