The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a tune. But the Chick Peas can only hummus one.
Went to an open-air cafe yesterday and it rained. Took me an hour to eat my soup.
Robert de Niro is asked if he has any family in Salt Lake City, and he growls, “Utah kin to me?”
An American, a Frenchman, a Mexican, and a German where all attending a Zoom meeting. The supervisor asked, “Can you all see me OK?” To which they answered, “Yes” “Oui” “Si” “Ja.”
I went to an orthodontist who only charged me $1. That’s why I have buck teeth.
My neighbor came over to borrow some spaghetti and asked what she owed me. I said, “It’ll cost you a pretty penne.”
My stimulus check came on St. Patrick’s Day. That’s what I call the luck of the IRS.
I was interrogating a crab and I asked it, “What’s your name? Where do you live? What’s that on your back?” It said: “Michelle.”
I had a dream where I was being chased by a huge pair of shoes. Catching up to me was no small feet.
My wife has the weirdest abacus tattoo on her back. But I can always count on her.
My doctor has advised me to stop drinking. It’s going to be a massive change for me, I’ve been with that doctor for 15 years.
I went into the kitchen this morning and there was a “Get Better Soon” card on the table for me. I called out to my wife asking what it was for because I wasn’t sick. She shouted back from the other room, “It’s an ultimatum.”
Google is so useless. I’ve been searching for lighters — it showed 3,580,642 matches instead.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? The chicken hadn’t evolved yet.
The punchline always comes before the joke. What is the worst part about time travel jokes?
My wife took off with a tractor salesman. Left me with a John Deere letter.
A garbage man was doing the rounds one morning. He came to a house where there was no bin out front, but there was a man sitting on the porch. — G‘man: “Hey! Where’s ya bin?” Guy: “I’ve been in Florida.” — G‘man: “No, no. I meant where’s ya wheely bin?” Guy: “I’ve really been in jail but I tell everyone I’ve been in Florida.”
I come from a family of magicians, which may be why I have two half sisters.
My dad found out that I had an imaginary girlfriend. Dad: “You can do much better, you know!” Me: “Thanks Dad. That means so much to me.” Dad: “I was talking to her.”
Just had an officer at the door saying he was looking for a man with one eye. Told him he’d probably find him a lot quicker if he used both.
I have a jar where I put in a quarter every time I have a negative thought. It’s half empty.
In the old days, excessive use of commas was considered a serious crime. It usually resulted in a long sentence. (h/t Nathaniel Moore)
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.
A truck carrying toupees jacknifed on the highway, scattering its cargo. Police are combing the area.
A new strain of head lice has appeared that is resistant to conventional treatments. This has left scientists scratching their heads.
What do you call big black birds that stick together? Velcrows.
You know how some ancient tombs have money or valuables buried with their inhabitants? That’s the first cryptocurrency.
I had mono in college. Went to the doctor today with similar symptoms but twice as bad… Turns out I have stereo.
H20 is inside a fire hydrant, but on the outside there’s only K9P.
I asked the librarian if she knew the author of a dinosaur book. She said try Sarah Topps.
I used to get small shocks every time I touched metal objects, but I don’t anymore. I’m just ex-static.
My experiment of cross-breeding a rooster with a Slinky has failed. Alas, I’ve no spring chicken.
Know what you call someone who can’t stop watching films with a strong female lead? Heroine addict.
What do you call bears with no teeth? (Gummy bears.) What do you call bears with no ears? (B.)
I work as a tattoo artist in a wellness center making very specific designs, and everyone is really surprised when I tell them that I’m also a doctor. Nobody expects the spa niche ink physician.
I’ve always wanted to tap my neighbors’ maple tree, but he wouldn’t give me permission. Think I could do it syruptitiously?
I met my wife at a travel agency. She was looking for a vacation and I was her last resort.
I refuse to do drugs harder than cocaine. Got to draw the line somewhere.
I hope Elon Musk never gets into a scandal… Elon-gate would be really drawn out.
Know what you call a komodo dragon who runs a casino? The lizard of odds.
I got the words “Jacuzzi” and “Yakuza” confused. Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
I jokingly told the X‑ray technician that I don’t believe in X‑rays. But she saw right through me.
I was walking with 18 cows from one ranch to another and took a shortcut through a vineyard. I herded through the grapevine.
I found an old vinyl record of insect sounds and put it on, expecting relaxing ambient background like cicadas and such. But all I got was a droning buzz. That’s when I realized I was playing the bee side.
Police are looking for a man selling marijuana to seabirds. Eyewitness said he left no tern unstoned.
Scene: a 13th-century feudal uprising. Rebels are besieging the castle. They manage to kill the eldest son of the Duke by knocking him off the ramparts with a lucky trebuchet volley, using as a payload the severed head of a peasant. It was the first serf-face-to-heir missile. (h/t John Garison)
Anyone want some old copies of Chiropractic Monthly? I’ve got loads of back issues.
One of my earliest memories is seeing my mother’s face through the oven window. As we played hide and seek and she said, “You’re getting warmer.” (h/t Milton Jones)
There’s an Amazon forest but no Microsoft forest – know why that is? It’s been logged out.
Texas Prisoner Found Dead After Consuming Smuggled Fish Eggs. Died on Death Roe.
My roommate had a combined Burns Night and Chinese New Year party he called Chinese Burns Night. I wasn’t going to go, but he twisted my arm.
My friend became a monk recently. I asked him if he’d taken a vow of silence, but he didn’t answer. I guess it goes without saying.
Know what you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills? Bernadette.
I was in a contest where you lost if you talked. It was quite the competion, to say the least.
If anyone has a suggestion on how to reverse the spell that turned me into corn… I’m all ears.
My friend the snake charmer is marrying an undertaker. As a wedding gift I bought them some “Hiss and Hearse” towels.
I asked my dad if gay people should get married and he said, “Haven’t they suffered enough?”
What do you call someone who points out the obvious? Someone who points out the obvious.
A chicken and a duck are standing by the side of a road. Chicken clucks to his friend, “Don’t do it mate, you’ll never hear the end of it.”
Did you know that ancient Greeks would shave their heads before the Olympics to run faster? Modern historians call it balderdash.
Know what Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name.
Apparently one in three Britons is conceived in an IKEA bed, which is mad because those places are really well lit. (h/t Mark Smith)
I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point? (h/t Alexei Sayle)
My wife’s hairdresser wanted her to sign a long-term service agreement before setting up an appointmenet, but she refused. Just couldn’t accept all those perms and conditions.
You know how they throw the ball into the crowd after they win the game? Apparently that’s not allowed in bowling. I know that now.
You know why we tell actors “Break a leg,” don’t you? Because every play has a cast.
The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees”… But now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
My New Year’s resolution is to get in shape. I choose round. (h/t Sarah Millican)
The College Board is phasing out the essay portion of the SAT. Henceforth the test will be known as the T.
My wife says she’s divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas. But will she leave? Find out next week.
Doctor said I’m at risk of a heart attack due to high sodium intake. I took what he said with a grain of salt.
If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that. (h/t Milton Jones)
I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again. (h/t Tim Vine)
When a Jehovah’s Witness dies, does Heaven turn out the lights and pretend nobody’s home?
The Invisible Man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
I said to the gym instructor, “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.” (h/t Tim Vine)
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said “Analogue?” I said “No, just a watch.” (h/t Tim Vine)
If alcohol can damage your short term memory, imagine the damage alcohol can do.
I’m entering the worlds tightest hat competition. Just hope I can pull it off. (h/t Tim Vine)