The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a tune. But the Chick Peas can only hum­mus one.

I crossed a coho salmon with a sock­eye salmon. Got a cock­eyed salmon.

What do you call a fish wear­ing a bowtie? Sofishticated.

Went to an open-air cafe yes­ter­day and it rained. Took me an hour to eat my soup.

Robert de Niro is asked if he has any fam­i­ly in Salt Lake City, and he growls, “Utah kin to me?”

An Amer­i­can, a French­man, a Mex­i­can, and a Ger­man where all attend­ing a Zoom meet­ing. The super­vi­sor asked, “Can you all see me OK?” To which they answered, “Yes” “Oui” “Si” “Ja.”

I went to an ortho­don­tist who only charged me $1. That’s why I have buck teeth.

My neigh­bor came over to bor­row some spaghet­ti and asked what she owed me. I said, “It’ll cost you a pret­ty penne.”

My stim­u­lus check came on St. Patrick’s Day. That’s what I call the luck of the IRS.

I was inter­ro­gat­ing a crab and I asked it, “What’s your name? Where do you live? What’s that on your back?” It said: “Michelle.”

I had a dream where I was being chased by a huge pair of shoes. Catch­ing up to me was no small feet.

What do you call Bat­man when he’s bad­ly hurt? Bruised Wayne.

I wrote a book on base­ments… it’s on the Best Cel­lars list.

My wife has the weird­est aba­cus tat­too on her back. But I can always count on her.

My doc­tor has advised me to stop drink­ing. It’s going to be a mas­sive change for me, I’ve been with that doc­tor for 15 years.

Did you know: in Iran they are pet­ri­fied of spi­ders. But in Iraq, no phobia.

I went into the kitchen this morn­ing and there was a “Get Bet­ter Soon” card on the table for me. I called out to my wife ask­ing what it was for because I wasn’t sick. She shout­ed back from the oth­er room, “It’s an ultimatum.”

Google is so use­less. I’ve been search­ing for lighters — it showed 3,580,642 match­es instead.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road? The chick­en hadn’t evolved yet.

The punch­line always comes before the joke. What is the worst part about time trav­el jokes?

My wife took off with a trac­tor sales­man. Left me with a John Deere letter.

A garbage man was doing the rounds one morn­ing. He came to a house where there was no bin out front, but there was a man sit­ting on the porch. — G‘man: “Hey! Where’s ya bin?” Guy: “I’ve been in Flori­da.” — G‘man: “No, no. I meant where’s ya wheely bin?” Guy: “I’ve real­ly been in jail but I tell every­one I’ve been in Florida.”

I come from a fam­i­ly of magi­cians, which may be why I have two half sisters.

My dad found out that I had an imag­i­nary girl­friend. Dad: “You can do much bet­ter, you know!” Me: “Thanks Dad. That means so much to me.” Dad: “I was talk­ing to her.”

Just had an offi­cer at the door say­ing he was look­ing for a man with one eye. Told him he’d prob­a­bly find him a lot quick­er if he used both.

Mon­day is Jamaican Day at work. I’m dread­ing it.

I have a jar where I put in a quar­ter every time I have a neg­a­tive thought. It’s half empty.

In the old days, exces­sive use of com­mas was con­sid­ered a seri­ous crime. It usu­al­ly result­ed in a long sen­tence. (h/t Nathaniel Moore)

When I was a kid, my moth­er told me I could be any­one I want­ed to be. Turns out, iden­ti­ty theft is a crime.

A truck car­ry­ing toupees jack­nifed on the high­way, scat­ter­ing its car­go. Police are comb­ing the area.

A new strain of head lice has appeared that is resis­tant to con­ven­tion­al treat­ments. This has left sci­en­tists scratch­ing their heads.

The chiropractor’s to-do list: 1. Get back to work.

What do you call big black birds that stick togeth­er? Velcrows.

What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabi!

You know how some ancient tombs have mon­ey or valu­ables buried with their inhab­i­tants? That’s the first cryptocurrency.

I had mono in col­lege. Went to the doc­tor today with sim­i­lar symp­toms but twice as bad… Turns out I have stereo.

H20 is inside a fire hydrant, but on the out­side there’s only K9P.

I asked the librar­i­an if she knew the author of a dinosaur book. She said try Sarah Topps.

I used to get small shocks every time I touched met­al objects, but I don’t any­more. I’m just ex-static.

My exper­i­ment of cross-breed­ing a roost­er with a Slinky has failed. Alas, I’ve no spring chicken.

Know what you call some­one who can’t stop watch­ing films with a strong female lead? Hero­ine addict.

What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer? Father-in-law.

I didn’t mean to take so much of my anx­i­ety med­ica­tion. It was Xanax-ident.

What do you call bears with no teeth? (Gum­my bears.) What do you call bears with no ears? (B.)

I work as a tat­too artist in a well­ness cen­ter mak­ing very spe­cif­ic designs, and every­one is real­ly sur­prised when I tell them that I’m also a doc­tor. Nobody expects the spa niche ink physician.

I’ve always want­ed to tap my neigh­bors’ maple tree, but he wouldn’t give me per­mis­sion. Think I could do it syruptitiously?

I met my wife at a trav­el agency. She was look­ing for a vaca­tion and I was her last resort.

I refuse to do drugs hard­er than cocaine. Got to draw the line somewhere.

I hope Elon Musk nev­er gets into a scan­dal… Elon-gate would be real­ly drawn out.

Know what you call a komo­do drag­on who runs a casi­no? The lizard of odds.

I got the words “Jacuzzi” and “Yakuza” con­fused. Now I’m in hot water with the Japan­ese mafia.

I jok­ing­ly told the X‑ray tech­ni­cian that I don’t believe in X‑rays. But she saw right through me.

Know what you call a Scots­man with a bad hair­cut? Mul­let of Kintyre.

I was walk­ing with 18 cows from one ranch to anoth­er and took a short­cut through a vine­yard. I herd­ed through the grapevine.

I found an old vinyl record of insect sounds and put it on, expect­ing relax­ing ambi­ent back­ground like cicadas and such. But all I got was a dron­ing buzz. That’s when I real­ized I was play­ing the bee side.

Police are look­ing for a man sell­ing mar­i­jua­na to seabirds. Eye­wit­ness said he left no tern unstoned.

Scene: a 13th-cen­­­tu­ry feu­dal upris­ing. Rebels are besieg­ing the cas­tle. They man­age to kill the eldest son of the Duke by knock­ing him off the ram­parts with a lucky tre­buchet vol­ley, using as a pay­load the sev­ered head of a peas­ant. It was the first serf-face-to-heir mis­sile. (h/t John Garison)

Any­one want some old copies of Chi­ro­prac­tic Month­ly? I’ve got loads of back issues.

One of my ear­li­est mem­o­ries is see­ing my mother’s face through the oven win­dow. As we played hide and seek and she said, “You’re get­ting warmer.” (h/t Mil­ton Jones)

There’s an Ama­zon for­est but no Microsoft for­est – know why that is? It’s been logged out.

Texas Pris­on­er Found Dead After Con­sum­ing Smug­gled Fish Eggs. Died on Death Roe.

My room­mate had a com­bined Burns Night and Chi­nese New Year par­ty he called Chi­nese Burns Night. I wasn’t going to go, but he twist­ed my arm.

My friend became a monk recent­ly. I asked him if he’d tak­en a vow of silence, but he didn’t answer. I guess it goes with­out saying.

Know what you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills? Bernadette.

I was in a con­test where you lost if you talked. It was quite the com­petion, to say the least.

If any­one has a sug­ges­tion on how to reverse the spell that turned me into corn… I’m all ears.

— “Da..a..a..d, are we pyro­ma­ni­acs?” — ”Yes we arson.”

My friend the snake charmer is mar­ry­ing an under­tak­er. As a wed­ding gift I bought them some “Hiss and Hearse” towels.

I don‘t trust the owls at Machu Pichu. They’re all Inca hoots.

I asked my dad if gay peo­ple should get mar­ried and he said, “Haven’t they suf­fered enough?”

What do you call some­one who points out the obvi­ous? Some­one who points out the obvious.

A chick­en and a duck are stand­ing by the side of a road. Chick­en clucks to his friend, “Don’t do it mate, you’ll nev­er hear the end of it.”

Did you know that ancient Greeks would shave their heads before the Olympics to run faster? Mod­ern his­to­ri­ans call it balderdash.

Know what Alexan­der the Great and Win­nie the Pooh have in com­mon? Same mid­dle name.

Appar­ent­ly one in three Britons is con­ceived in an IKEA bed, which is mad because those places are real­ly well lit. (h/t Mark Smith)

I’ve giv­en up ask­ing rhetor­i­cal ques­tions. What’s the point? (h/t Alex­ei Sayle)

My wife’s hair­dress­er want­ed her to sign a long-term ser­vice agree­ment before set­ting up an appointmenet, but she refused. Just couldn’t accept all those perms and conditions.

You know how they throw the ball into the crowd after they win the game? Appar­ent­ly that’s not allowed in bowl­ing. I know that now.

You know why we tell actors “Break a leg,” don’t you? Because every play has a cast.

Some peo­ple always want their opin­ion val­i­dat­ed. Am I right?

Know why Bernie wore those mit­tens? Tem­per­a­ture was minus 45.

The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees”… But now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.

My New Year’s res­o­lu­tion is to get in shape. I choose round. (h/t Sarah Millican)

The Col­lege Board is phas­ing out the essay por­tion of the SAT. Hence­forth the test will be known as the T.

Elton John has bought his pet rab­bit a tread­mill. It’s a lit­tle fit bunny.

I know what fish study in school. Algaebra.

My wife says she’s divorc­ing me because of my obses­sion with tele­vi­sion dra­mas. But will she leave? Find out next week.

Doc­tor said I’m at risk of a heart attack due to high sodi­um intake. I took what he said with a grain of salt.

If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tun­nel, then on to a lit­tle see­saw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that. (h/t Mil­ton Jones)

I’ve just been on a once-in-a-life­­­time hol­i­day. I’ll tell you what, nev­er again. (h/t Tim Vine)

When a Jehovah’s Wit­ness dies, does Heav­en turn out the lights and pre­tend nobody’s home?

The Invis­i­ble Man mar­ried an invis­i­ble woman. The kids were noth­ing to look at either.

I said to the gym instruc­tor, “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flex­i­ble are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tues­days.” (h/t Tim Vine)

I’m so old, I remem­ber when the Dead Sea was just sick.

Know what you call a very tall buf­fa­lo? Buffahigh.

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said “Ana­logue?” I said “No, just a watch.” (h/t Tim Vine)

If alco­hol can dam­age your short term mem­o­ry, imag­ine the dam­age alco­hol can do.

I’m enter­ing the worlds tight­est hat com­pe­ti­tion. Just hope I can pull it off. (h/t Tim Vine)

Red sky at night: sailor’s delight. Blue sky at night: day. (h/t Tom Parry)

I hate sit­ting in traf­fic, because I always get run over. (h/t Mil­ton Jones)