Know what the judge said to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?
A frog got his DNA tested. Turns out he’s part Irish, part British, and a tad Pole.
I know why YouTube constantly recommends videos of dancing former Vice Presidents. It’s just the Al Gore rhythm.
I created a dating app for chickens. It’s not my day job, it’s just to make hens meet.
Archaeologists are having a party to celebrate unearthing the largest dinosaur tibia ever found. It’s going to be quite the shindig.
I heard that cricket matches can last for days. No rest for the wicket, I suppose.
Why do astronomers add ground beef to their shampoo? So they can have meatier showers.
Does every sentence have to mention some kind of vegetable? Not necesscelery.
I tried donating blood today… never again! Too many questions. Like, “Whose blood is this?”, “How did you get it?”, “Why is it in a bucket?”
It’s important to wear glasses during math class. It improves division.
Never buy lettuce from The Mamas and The Papas Grocery. All the leaves are brown.
You know what font they use for the letter noodles in alphabet soup? Times New Ramen.
Back in the 80s, I’d often dress up nicely, go out and order dinner for one, see movies alone, take long solitary walks… Wow, I’m really dating myself.
Know what they call the soft, sweet cheese served at American stock car racing tracks? NASCARpone.
Batman invited all the superheroes for a discussion on Bitcoin, but Superman didn’t show up. Because it was crypto night.
Do I have to keep making dad jokes? The short answer is No. The long answer is Nnnnnnnnnoooooooo.
My wife Dorothy left me because of my obsession with Morse code. I said, “Please don’t dash, Dot!”
Know where elderly Egyptian guys gathered in the ancient kingdom? At the Great Pyramid of Geezer.
Every night at 8:50 sharp my wrist starts hurting. Doctor diagnosed a case of ten-to-ninetis.
Did you know athlete’s foot only occurs in the US? Everywhere else it’s athlete’s meter.
I grilled a chicken for two hours. It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road.
I have an irrational fear of over-designed buildings. It’s a complex complex complex.
It’s a shame nothing is made in the USA anymore. I just bought a TV that said “Built in Antenna.” I don’t even know where that is!
Know why it’s a bad idea to iron your four-leaf clover? You shouldn’t press your luck.
Doc, it hurts when I poke myself on the shoulder and when I poke myself on the forehead and when I poke myself on the thigh. Doctor: Your finger is broken.
My girlfriend said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So I bought her a candle.
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb? One. They’re very efficient, and not particularly funny.
My mom was a radiologist, and she met my dad when he came in for an x‑ray. I wonder what she saw in him.
Two tectonic plates bumped into one another. They both said “Sorry, my fault.”
Never lie to an x‑ray techician. They can see right through you.
“Dad, how did you trim the hedges so straight?” “With cutting hedge technology.”
My doctor said I have a bladder infection. I asked him what that means and he replied, “Urine trouble.”
My wife says I’m useless at fixing electrical appliances. Well, she’s in for a shock.
Why did the Red Army have so many excellent snipers? It’s because they were all Marx men.
Know why Cinderella was kicked off the soccer team? She kept running away from the ball.
I woke up this morning to find two birds sitting in the sun in the backyard eating ice cream. They were Basking Robins.
My girlfriend changed a lot since she became vegan. It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
I had to give a presentation on playgrounds. There were lots of slides.
At first I despised sheltering in place, but now I love it. I think it’s stuck-home syndrome.
I exercise by running up the street and knocking on all the doors. Jehovah’s Fitness.
The CEO of IKEA was just elected prime minister of Sweden. It’ll take him a week to assemble his cabinet.
The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a tune. But the Chick Peas can only hummus one.
Went to an open-air cafe yesterday and it rained. Took me an hour to eat my soup.
Robert de Niro is asked if he has any family in Salt Lake City, and he growls, “Utah kin to me?”
An American, a Frenchman, a Mexican, and a German where all attending a Zoom meeting. The supervisor asked, “Can you all see me OK?” To which they answered, “Yes” “Oui” “Si” “Ja.”
I went to an orthodontist who only charged me $1. That’s why I have buck teeth.
My neighbor came over to borrow some spaghetti and asked what she owed me. I said, “It’ll cost you a pretty penne.”
My stimulus check came on St. Patrick’s Day. That’s what I call the luck of the IRS.
I was interrogating a crab and I asked it, “What’s your name? Where do you live? What’s that on your back?” It said: “Michelle.”
I had a dream where I was being chased by a huge pair of shoes. Catching up to me was no small feet.
My wife has the weirdest abacus tattoo on her back. But I can always count on her.
My doctor has advised me to stop drinking. It’s going to be a massive change for me, I’ve been with that doctor for 15 years.
I went into the kitchen this morning and there was a “Get Better Soon” card on the table for me. I called out to my wife asking what it was for because I wasn’t sick. She shouted back from the other room, “It’s an ultimatum.”
Google is so useless. I’ve been searching for lighters — it showed 3,580,642 matches instead.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? The chicken hadn’t evolved yet.
The punchline always comes before the joke. What is the worst part about time travel jokes?
My wife took off with a tractor salesman. Left me with a John Deere letter.
A garbage man was doing the rounds one morning. He came to a house where there was no bin out front, but there was a man sitting on the porch. — G‘man: “Hey! Where’s ya bin?” Guy: “I’ve been in Florida.” — G‘man: “No, no. I meant where’s ya wheely bin?” Guy: “I’ve really been in jail but I tell everyone I’ve been in Florida.”
I come from a family of magicians, which may be why I have two half sisters.
My dad found out that I had an imaginary girlfriend. Dad: “You can do much better, you know!” Me: “Thanks Dad. That means so much to me.” Dad: “I was talking to her.”
Just had an officer at the door saying he was looking for a man with one eye. Told him he’d probably find him a lot quicker if he used both.
I have a jar where I put in a quarter every time I have a negative thought. It’s half empty.
In the old days, excessive use of commas was considered a serious crime. It usually resulted in a long sentence. (h/t Nathaniel Moore)
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.
A truck carrying toupees jacknifed on the highway, scattering its cargo. Police are combing the area.
A new strain of head lice has appeared that is resistant to conventional treatments. This has left scientists scratching their heads.
What do you call big black birds that stick together? Velcrows.
You know how some ancient tombs have money or valuables buried with their inhabitants? That’s the first cryptocurrency.
I had mono in college. Went to the doctor today with similar symptoms but twice as bad… Turns out I have stereo.
H20 is inside a fire hydrant, but on the outside there’s only K9P.
I asked the librarian if she knew the author of a dinosaur book. She said try Sarah Topps.
I used to get small shocks every time I touched metal objects, but I don’t anymore. I’m just ex-static.
My experiment of cross-breeding a rooster with a Slinky has failed. Alas, I’ve no spring chicken.