I just end­ed a 5 year rela­tion­ship… — OMG are you okay? — I’m fine, it wasn’t my relationship.

Dig­ging tun­nels deep under­ground, using com­plex machin­ery, sounds fas­ci­nat­ing. But it’s real­ly boring.

What do you call a dinosaur in high heels? Myfeetaresaurus.

To who­ev­er stole my mir­ror… I hope you reflect on what you’ve done.

Why has this Covid sit­u­a­tion been espe­cial­ly stress­ful on the Flat Earth soci­ety? Even though last year they were excit­ed about flat­ten­ing the curve, long-term they fear that social dis­tanc­ing mea­sures could actu­al­ly push peo­ple over the edge.

What do bak­ers say when they’ve for­got­ten to put their bread in the oven? D’ough!

My wife hates how I always pre­tend we are on walkie-talkies. Wife: Our rela­tion­ship is over. Me: Our rela­tion­ship is what? Over.

What do you call a pre­his­toric hip hop artist? Velocirapstar.

Know how the hack­er escaped the police? He just ransomware.

How do you hide a new video game before Christ­mas? You put the car­tridge in a pear tree.

Sci­en­tists have found a dwarf species of axolotl. They’ve named it the axolitl.

What do you call a zom­bie who stir-fries? Dead man wok-ing.

My grand­fa­ther brought down 23 Ger­man planes in WW-II. Worst mechan­ic the Luft­waffe ever had.

Know when Old Spice was invent­ed? Dur­ing cologne-ial times.

The arche­ol­o­gist made a big mis­take: He thought he’d found a Pharaoh’s tomb, but it was just some old Giza.

Pen­guins pro­duce an oil that helps their feath­ers retain heat. The oily bird gets the warm.

What would you call some­one who’s a wiz­ard at weightlift­ing? Albus Dumbbelldore.

I was gonna hold off mak­ing a joke about super­con­duc­tors… But I just couldn’t resist.

A man goes to a psy­chi­a­trist and says, “Doc, I keep hav­ing delu­sions that I’m a goat. Ever since I was a kid…”

Know why elec­tric cars are so expen­sive? Because they charge a lot.

To who­ev­er stole my deck of cards: I can’t deal with you.

To who­ev­er stole my ele­va­tor joke: I know what you’re up to.

To who­ev­er stole my cow… My beef is with you, sir!

What do you call a can open­er that doesn’t work? A can’t opener.

My friend is quite the inven­tor. He’s man­aged to cre­ate a light­bulb pow­ered only by word­plays. Now he’s got a sock­et full of punshine.

To the per­son who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.

It’s against the rules for NFL play­ers to own a duck. It’s a per­son­al fowl.

My dyslex­ia has reached a new owl.

Pro­fes­sion­al mir­ror pho­tog­ra­phy. It’s a job I could real­ly see myself doing.

I real­ly love my fur­ni­ture. My reclin­er and I go way back.

Ever used WD40 to get rid of mice? It doesn’t work, but it does stop them squeaking.

My ex-girl­friend just told me she wants us to get back togeth­er again. Man, I sure am lucky! I mean, first I win the lot­tery and now this!

I keep call­ing my wife Delilah even though her name is Delia. I keep call­ing our lawn “the green, green grass of home.” And worst of all, every time I see a cat, I can’t help but ask, “What’s new, pussy­cat?” It turns out I have Tom Jones Syn­drome. My doc­tor says it’s not unusual.

Know who Old Mac­Don­ald called on to pro­tect his farm? GI-GI-Joe.

We start­ed a band and called it “Books.” So no one can judge us by our covers.

Called in blind today. Just couldn’t see myself going to work.

Edu­cat­ed peo­ple are hot. They have more degrees.

What do you call a woman with a bot­tle open­er in one hand, a knife in the oth­er hand, a pair of scis­sors under her arm, and a corkscrew behind her ear? Swiss Army Wife.

What’s a cow­boys favorite car? Audi, partner.

Did you know that bees are actu­al­ly aller­gic to pollen? They break out in hives.

My doc­tor diag­nosed me with a chron­ic toma­to sauce defi­cien­cy. He pre­scribed med­ical marinara.

What did one dried fish said to the oth­er? Long time no sea.

Know what it takes to be able to tell a dad joke? You have to be a groan man.

I got a pro­mo­tion at the tree farm. I’m now a branch manager.

How is a moose dif­fer­ent from an ant? Moose have antlers but ants don’t have mooselers.

When we moved into my new igloo our friends threw a house-war­m­ing par­ty. Now we’re homeless.

Train con­duc­tors can nev­er be trust­ed. They all have loco motives.

They’re releas­ing a tenth install­ment of the Fast & Furi­ous fran­chise. It’ll be called “Fast Ten: Your Seat Belts.”

How many click­bait arti­cles does it take to change a light bulb? The answer will shock you!

A friend invit­ed me to a feath­­­er-themed fan­cy dress par­ty. “Sure,” I said. “I’m down.”

Did you know that sinks can’t open doors? Let that sink in.

What sport needs a life jack­et, a pad­dle, and a ball of yarn? White­wa­ter crafting.

I just got fired from my job as a set design­er. I left with­out mak­ing a scene.

How many nar­cis­sists does it take to change a light­bulb? None, they all use gaslighting.

Know what you call a gang­ster horse? Al Capony.

I had to stop going to the local com­e­dy cof­fee shop. Too much brew ha ha.

Know what the judge said to the den­tist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and noth­ing but the tooth?

A frog got his DNA test­ed. Turns out he’s part Irish, part British, and a tad Pole.

I know why YouTube con­stant­ly rec­om­mends videos of danc­ing for­mer Vice Pres­i­dents. It’s just the Al Gore rhythm.

I cre­at­ed a dat­ing app for chick­ens. It’s not my day job, it’s just to make hens meet.

Archae­ol­o­gists are hav­ing a par­ty to cel­e­brate unearthing the largest dinosaur tib­ia ever found. It’s going to be quite the shindig.

I love eye jokes. The cornea the better.

I heard that crick­et match­es can last for days. No rest for the wick­et, I suppose.

I wish I was sin­gle for one day. Being sin­gle my whole life is exhausting.

Why do astronomers add ground beef to their sham­poo? So they can have meati­er showers.

Does every sen­tence have to men­tion some kind of veg­etable? Not necesscelery.

I tried donat­ing blood today… nev­er again! Too many ques­tions. Like, “Whose blood is this?”, “How did you get it?”, “Why is it in a bucket?”

It’s impor­tant to wear glass­es dur­ing math class. It improves division.

Nev­er buy let­tuce from The Mamas and The Papas Gro­cery. All the leaves are brown.

You know what font they use for the let­ter noo­dles in alpha­bet soup? Times New Ramen.

Back in the 80s, I’d often dress up nice­ly, go out and order din­ner for one, see movies alone, take long soli­tary walks… Wow, I’m real­ly dat­ing myself.

Know what they call the soft, sweet cheese served at Amer­i­can stock car rac­ing tracks? NASCARpone.

I’m try­ing to get back down to my orig­i­nal weight. 8 lbs 9 oz.

Bat­man invit­ed all the super­heroes for a dis­cus­sion on Bit­coin, but Super­man didn’t show up. Because it was cryp­to night.

Do I have to keep mak­ing dad jokes? The short answer is No. The long answer is Nnnnnnnnnoooooooo.

My wife Dorothy left me because of my obses­sion with Morse code. I said, “Please don’t dash, Dot!”

Know where elder­ly Egypt­ian guys gath­ered in the ancient king­dom? At the Great Pyra­mid of Geezer.

Every night at 8:50 sharp my wrist starts hurt­ing. Doc­tor diag­nosed a case of ten-to-ninetis.

Know what hip hop artists call their sheet music? Rap­ping paper.

Did you know athlete’s foot only occurs in the US? Every­where else it’s athlete’s meter.

I Googled “lost medieval ser­vant boy” — got “Page not found.”

I grilled a chick­en for two hours. It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road.

What if Iron Man teamed up with the Sil­ver Surfer? They would be alloys.

I have an irra­tional fear of over-designed build­ings. It’s a com­plex com­plex complex.

I final­ly quit drink­ing for good. Now I drink for evil.

It’s a shame noth­ing is made in the USA any­more. I just bought a TV that said “Built in Anten­na.” I don’t even know where that is!

Know why it’s a bad idea to iron your four-leaf clover? You shouldn’t press your luck.

Doc, it hurts when I poke myself on the shoul­der and when I poke myself on the fore­head and when I poke myself on the thigh. Doc­tor: Your fin­ger is broken.

Tired? There’s a nap for that.

My girl­friend said if I bought her one more stu­pid gift, she would burn it. So I bought her a candle.

How many Ger­mans does it take to change a light­bulb? One. They’re very effi­cient, and not par­tic­u­lar­ly funny.

My mom was a radi­ol­o­gist, and she met my dad when he came in for an x‑ray. I won­der what she saw in him.

I caught a cold near the carousel. Heard there was some­thing going around.

Two tec­ton­ic plates bumped into one anoth­er. They both said “Sor­ry, my fault.”

Nev­er lie to an x‑ray techi­cian. They can see right through you.

“Dad, how did you trim the hedges so straight?” “With cut­ting hedge technology.”

My doc­tor said I have a blad­der infec­tion. I asked him what that means and he replied, “Urine trouble.”

Anoth­er name for a pater­ni­ty test? Pop quiz.

My wife says I’m use­less at fix­ing elec­tri­cal appli­ances. Well, she’s in for a shock.

Best way to kill a south­ern vam­pire? Bless his heart.

Why did the Red Army have so many excel­lent snipers? It’s because they were all Marx men.

Know why Cin­derel­la was kicked off the soc­cer team? She kept run­ning away from the ball.

I woke up this morn­ing to find two birds sit­ting in the sun in the back­yard eat­ing ice cream. They were Bask­ing Robins.

I lost one of my wife’s audio books. I know I will nev­er hear the end of it.

My girl­friend changed a lot since she became veg­an. It’s like I’ve nev­er seen herbivore.

I have a Dutch drone that stays in the air indef­i­nite­ly. It Netherlands.

What do cow­boys use to move from state to state? Yee-Hauls.

The Ital­ian chef got locked out of his restau­rant… He had gnocchi.

I had to give a pre­sen­ta­tion on play­grounds. There were lots of slides.

My friend Tony asked me not to say his name back­wards. I said y not?

At first I despised shel­ter­ing in place, but now I love it. I think it’s stuck-home syndrome.

I exer­cise by run­ning up the street and knock­ing on all the doors. Jehovah’s Fitness.

Two dogs walked into a bar. It was yap­py hour.

The CEO of IKEA was just elect­ed prime min­is­ter of Swe­den. It’ll take him a week to assem­ble his cabinet.

I’m not a com­pet­i­tive per­son. And I’ll be the first to admit it.

The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a tune. But the Chick Peas can only hum­mus one.

I crossed a coho salmon with a sock­eye salmon. Got a cock­eyed salmon.

What do you call a fish wear­ing a bowtie? Sofishticated.

Went to an open-air cafe yes­ter­day and it rained. Took me an hour to eat my soup.

Robert de Niro is asked if he has any fam­i­ly in Salt Lake City, and he growls, “Utah kin to me?”

An Amer­i­can, a French­man, a Mex­i­can, and a Ger­man were all attend­ing a Zoom meet­ing. The super­vi­sor asked, “Can you all see me OK?” To which they answered, “Yes” “Oui” “Si” “Ja.”

I went to an ortho­don­tist who only charged me $1. That’s why I have buck teeth.

My neigh­bor came over to bor­row some spaghet­ti and asked what she owed me. I said, “It’ll cost you a pret­ty penne.”

My stim­u­lus check came on St. Patrick’s Day. That’s what I call the luck of the IRS.

I was inter­ro­gat­ing a crab and I asked it, “What’s your name? Where do you live? What’s that on your back?” It said: “Michelle.”

I had a dream where I was being chased by a huge pair of shoes. Catch­ing up to me was no small feet.

What do you call Bat­man when he’s bad­ly hurt? Bruised Wayne.

I wrote a book on base­ments… it’s on the Best Cel­lars list.

My wife has the weird­est aba­cus tat­too on her back. But I can always count on her.

My doc­tor has advised me to stop drink­ing. It’s going to be a mas­sive change for me, I’ve been with that doc­tor for 15 years.

Did you know: in Iran they are pet­ri­fied of spi­ders. But in Iraq, no phobia.

I went into the kitchen this morn­ing and there was a “Get Bet­ter Soon” card on the table for me. I called out to my wife ask­ing what it was for because I wasn’t sick. She shout­ed back from the oth­er room, “It’s an ultimatum.”

Google is so use­less. I’ve been search­ing for lighters — it showed 3,580,642 match­es instead.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road? The chick­en hadn’t evolved yet.

The punch­line always comes before the joke. What is the worst part about time trav­el jokes?

My wife took off with a trac­tor sales­man. Left me with a John Deere letter.

A garbage man was doing the rounds one morn­ing. He came to a house where there was no bin out front, but there was a man sit­ting on the porch. — G‘man: “Hey! Where’s ya bin?” Guy: “I’ve been in Flori­da.” — G‘man: “No, no. I meant where’s ya wheely bin?” Guy: “I’ve real­ly been in jail but I tell every­one I’ve Read More …

I come from a fam­i­ly of magi­cians, which may be why I have two half sisters.

My dad found out that I had an imag­i­nary girl­friend. Dad: “You can do much bet­ter, you know!” Me: “Thanks Dad. That means so much to me.” Dad: “I was talk­ing to her.”

Just had an offi­cer at the door say­ing he was look­ing for a man with one eye. Told him he’d prob­a­bly find him a lot quick­er if he used both.

Mon­day is Jamaican Day at work. I’m dread­ing it.

I have a jar where I put in a quar­ter every time I have a neg­a­tive thought. It’s half empty.

In the old days, exces­sive use of com­mas was con­sid­ered a seri­ous crime. It usu­al­ly result­ed in a long sen­tence. (h/t Nathaniel Moore)

When I was a kid, my moth­er told me I could be any­one I want­ed to be. Turns out, iden­ti­ty theft is a crime.

A truck car­ry­ing toupees jack­nifed on the high­way, scat­ter­ing its car­go. Police are comb­ing the area.

A new strain of head lice has appeared that is resis­tant to con­ven­tion­al treat­ments. This has left sci­en­tists scratch­ing their heads.

The chiropractor’s to-do list: 1. Get back to work.

What do you call big black birds that stick togeth­er? Velcrows.

What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabi!

You know how some ancient tombs have mon­ey or valu­ables buried with their inhab­i­tants? That’s the first cryptocurrency.

I had mono in col­lege. Went to the doc­tor today with sim­i­lar symp­toms but twice as bad… Turns out I have stereo.

H20 is inside a fire hydrant, but on the out­side there’s only K9P.

I asked the librar­i­an if she knew the author of a dinosaur book. She said try Sarah Topps.

I used to get small shocks every time I touched met­al objects, but I don’t any­more. I’m just ex-static.

My exper­i­ment of cross-breed­ing a roost­er with a Slinky has failed. Alas, I’ve no spring chicken.

Know what you call some­one who can’t stop watch­ing films with a strong female lead? Hero­ine addict.

What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer? Father-in-law.

I didn’t mean to take so much of my anx­i­ety med­ica­tion. It was Xanax-ident.

What do you call bears with no teeth? (Gum­my bears.) What do you call bears with no ears? (B.)

I work as a tat­too artist in a well­ness cen­ter mak­ing very spe­cif­ic designs, and every­one is real­ly sur­prised when I tell them that I’m also a doc­tor. Nobody expects the spa niche ink physician.

I’ve always want­ed to tap my neigh­bors’ maple tree, but he wouldn’t give me per­mis­sion. Think I could do it syruptitiously?

I met my wife at a trav­el agency. She was look­ing for a vaca­tion and I was her last resort.

I refuse to do drugs hard­er than cocaine. Got to draw the line somewhere.

I hope Elon Musk nev­er gets into a scan­dal… Elon-gate would be real­ly drawn out.

Know what you call a komo­do drag­on who runs a casi­no? The lizard of odds.

I got the words “Jacuzzi” and “Yakuza” con­fused. Now I’m in hot water with the Japan­ese mafia.

I jok­ing­ly told the X‑ray tech­ni­cian that I don’t believe in X‑rays. But she saw right through me.

Know what you call a Scots­man with a bad hair­cut? Mul­let of Kintyre.

I was walk­ing with 18 cows from one ranch to anoth­er and took a short­cut through a vine­yard. I herd­ed through the grapevine.

I found an old vinyl record of insect sounds and put it on, expect­ing relax­ing ambi­ent back­ground like cicadas and such. But all I got was a dron­ing buzz. That’s when I real­ized I was play­ing the bee side.

Police are look­ing for a man sell­ing mar­i­jua­na to seabirds. Eye­wit­ness said he left no tern unstoned.

Scene: a 13th-cen­­­tu­ry feu­dal upris­ing. Rebels are besieg­ing the cas­tle. They man­age to kill the eldest son of the Duke by knock­ing him off the ram­parts with a lucky tre­buchet vol­ley, using as a pay­load the sev­ered head of a peas­ant. It was the first serf-face-to-heir mis­sile. (h/t John Garison)

Any­one want some old copies of Chi­ro­prac­tic Month­ly? I’ve got loads of back issues.

One of my ear­li­est mem­o­ries is see­ing my mother’s face through the oven win­dow. As we played hide and seek and she said, “You’re get­ting warmer.” (h/t Mil­ton Jones)

There’s an Ama­zon for­est but no Microsoft for­est – know why that is? It’s been logged out.

Texas Pris­on­er Found Dead After Con­sum­ing Smug­gled Fish Eggs. Died on Death Roe.

My room­mate had a com­bined Burns Night and Chi­nese New Year par­ty he called Chi­nese Burns Night. I wasn’t going to go, but he twist­ed my arm.

My friend became a monk recent­ly. I asked him if he’d tak­en a vow of silence, but he didn’t answer. I guess it goes with­out saying.

Know what you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills? Bernadette.

I was in a con­test where you lost if you talked. It was quite the com­petion, to say the least.

If any­one has a sug­ges­tion on how to reverse the spell that turned me into corn… I’m all ears.

— “Da..a..a..d, are we pyro­ma­ni­acs?” — ”Yes we arson.”

My friend the snake charmer is mar­ry­ing an under­tak­er. As a wed­ding gift I bought them some “Hiss and Hearse” towels.

I don‘t trust the owls at Machu Pichu. They’re all Inca hoots.

I asked my dad if gay peo­ple should get mar­ried and he said, “Haven’t they suf­fered enough?”

What do you call some­one who points out the obvi­ous? Some­one who points out the obvious.

A chick­en and a duck are stand­ing by the side of a road. Chick­en clucks to his friend, “Don’t do it mate, you’ll nev­er hear the end of it.”

Did you know that ancient Greeks would shave their heads before the Olympics to run faster? Mod­ern his­to­ri­ans call it balderdash.

Know what Alexan­der the Great and Win­nie the Pooh have in com­mon? Same mid­dle name.

Appar­ent­ly one in three Britons is con­ceived in an IKEA bed, which is mad because those places are real­ly well lit. (h/t Mark Smith)

I’ve giv­en up ask­ing rhetor­i­cal ques­tions. What’s the point? (h/t Alex­ei Sayle)

My wife’s hair­dress­er want­ed her to sign a long-term ser­vice agree­ment before set­ting up an appoint­ment, but she refused. Just couldn’t accept all those perms and conditions.

You know how they throw the ball into the crowd after they win the game? Appar­ent­ly that’s not allowed in bowl­ing. I know that now.

You know why we tell actors “Break a leg,” don’t you? Because every play has a cast.

Some peo­ple always want their opin­ion val­i­dat­ed. Am I right?

Know why Bernie wore those mit­tens? Tem­per­a­ture was minus 45.

The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees”… But now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.

My New Year’s res­o­lu­tion is to get in shape. I choose round. (h/t Sarah Millican)

The Col­lege Board is phas­ing out the essay por­tion of the SAT. Hence­forth the test will be known as the T.

Elton John has bought his pet rab­bit a tread­mill. It’s a lit­tle fit bunny.

I know what fish study in school. Algaebra.

My wife says she’s divorc­ing me because of my obses­sion with tele­vi­sion dra­mas. But will she leave? Find out next week.

Doc­tor said I’m at risk of a heart attack due to high sodi­um intake. I took what he said with a grain of salt.

If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tun­nel, then on to a lit­tle see­saw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that. (h/t Mil­ton Jones)

I’ve just been on a once-in-a-life­­­time hol­i­day. I’ll tell you what, nev­er again. (h/t Tim Vine)

When a Jehovah’s Wit­ness dies, does Heav­en turn out the lights and pre­tend nobody’s home?

The Invis­i­ble Man mar­ried an invis­i­ble woman. The kids were noth­ing to look at either.

I said to the gym instruc­tor, “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flex­i­ble are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tues­days.” (h/t Tim Vine)

I’m so old, I remem­ber when the Dead Sea was just sick.

Know what you call a very tall buf­fa­lo? Buffahigh.

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said “Ana­logue?” I said “No, just a watch.” (h/t Tim Vine)

If alco­hol can dam­age your short term mem­o­ry, imag­ine the dam­age alco­hol can do.

I’m enter­ing the worlds tight­est hat com­pe­ti­tion. Just hope I can pull it off. (h/t Tim Vine)

Red sky at night: sailor’s delight. Blue sky at night: day. (h/t Tom Parry)

I hate sit­ting in traf­fic, because I always get run over. (h/t Mil­ton Jones)

I have two boys, 8 and 9. We’re no good at nam­ing things in our house. (h/t Ed Byrne)

My dad always used to say “Out with the old, in with the new.” Love­ly man, ter­ri­ble antiques dealer.

What did the rev­o­lu­tion­ary bread tell the oth­er breads? “We have to rise up, my breadren!”

What do you call a paper air­plane that doesn’t fly? Stationery.

Couldn’t under­stand why my dog was total­ly motion­less… Then I real­ized, it was on paws.

What is made of cheese and found in Scot­land? The Loch Ness Muenster.

Den­tists always ask dumb ques­tions like “When’s the last time you flossed?” Like bro, you were there!

I thought I saw Michael J. Fox at my local gar­den cen­ter. I’m not sure if it was him, though, as he had his back to the fuchsias.

My biggest tal­ent is always being able to tell what’s in a wrapped present. It’s a gift.

Did you hear about the mechan­ic who fell asleep under the car? He woke up oily in the morning.

I once entered the world klep­to­ma­ni­ac cham­pi­onships. I took gold, sil­ver, and bronze.

Keanu Reeves and I are good friends. Just not with each other.

Jeff, a semi­colon, and an Oxford com­ma walk into a bar. They both have a great time.

The Lord of the Rings offi­cial pin­ball machine doesn’t take quar­ters. Only Tolkiens.

–”Hey, look at that flock of cows!” —”Herd.” –”What?” —”Herd of cows.” –”Of course I’ve heard of cows, there’s a flock of them right there!”

Know what you call a defi­ant kid who doesn’t believe in Saint Nick? Rebel with­out a Claus.

Thought I heard some­one say “Hel­lo” in Ara­bic. But it was a false Salaam.

I went to the paint store to get thin­ner. It didn’t work.

Chi­nese take out: 8 dol­lars. Tip: 1 dol­lar. Get­ting home to find out they for­got part of your order: Riceless.

I don’t hold grudges. My dad held grudges… I hat­ed him for that.

Sam and Ella walk into a bar. The bar gets shut down by the health department.

This year’s Fibonac­ci Con­ven­tion was a great suc­cess. It was as big as the last two combined.

I don’t think Marine Biol­o­gy is the right major for me. My grades are below C‑level.

My wife asked me if I exper­i­ment­ed with sex and drugs when I was in high school. I said, “Yes, but I was part of the con­trol group.”

What’s Elon Musk’s least favorite coun­try? Madeagascar.

How do pirates get rid of their sur­plus booty? Yarrrrdsale.

I have a friend with no social skills and a Ph.D in the his­to­ry of palin­dromes. I call him Dr. Awkward.

I’m done being a peo­ple pleas­er. If everyone’s OK with that.

My wife insist­ed on whisk­ing flour into the melt­ed but­ter. I told her she would roux the day.

Loud laugh­ing is not per­mit­ted in Hawaii. Just a low ha.

Why did the cook­ie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long.

What do you call a native Alaskan eye doc­tor? An opti­cal Aleutian.

The adjec­tive for met­al is metal­lic. But not so for iron… which is ironic.

Why can’t you take inven­to­ry in Afghanistan? Because of the tal­ly ban.

I’ve got a friend who reck­ons he can make high cui­sine out of stock cubes. What an Oxo moron.

What do you call a laugh­ing motor­bike? Yamahahaha.

Know what cheese can nev­er be yours? Nacho cheese.

My wife’s mad at me because she said I nev­er buy her flow­ers. I hon­est­ly didn’t even know she sold flowers.

I told my builder not to car­pet my steps. He gave me a blank stair.

I ordered some stuff online yes­ter­day and used my Donor Card instead of my Deb­it Card. Cost me an arm and a leg.

The next song is all about sub­trac­tion… Take it away, boys.

I told my ther­a­pist that no one under­stands me. She said, “What do you mean by that?”

Aquar­i­um own­ers nev­er snitch. They’re good at keep­ing sea crits.

Know what you win if you don’t move a sin­gle mus­cle all week? A trophy.

How do two French guys share files elec­tron­i­cal­ly? Pierre to Pierre network.

What do you call a cal­cu­la­tor that works instant­ly? Calcunow.

I asked the librar­i­an if they had any books about para­noia. She whis­pered, “They’re right behind you…”

My dog start­ed gnaw­ing on some­thing and imme­di­ate­ly had a sneez­ing fit. That’s the last time I buy him achoo toy.

I mar­ried my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she’s been giv­ing me lately.

I have start­ed car­ry­ing a stone with me to throw at peo­ple who sing Christ­mas songs before Thanks­giv­ing. It’s my jin­gle bell rock.

Jus­tine was 4 months preg­nant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up 6 months lat­er. First thing, she asked the doc­tor about her baby. Doc­tor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They’re both fine. And, your broth­er named them for you. Jus­tine: No, no, no, not my broth­er! He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doc­tor: Read More …

Want to hear a joke about sodi­um, bromine, and oxy­gen? NaBrO.

Small­er babies get deliv­ered by the stork. Big­ger babies need a crane.

You shouldn’t kill chick­peas. It’s hummuside.

My wife is leav­ing because she’s fed up with my South Amer­i­can ani­mal puns. “OK,” I said, “Alpaca your bags.”

Know what you call a large, flight­less bird that fights? Taekwon-dodo.

I have a pet tree. It’s like a pet dog, but the bark is quieter.

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floor­boards? He was just going through a stage.

When geese fly in a V for­ma­tion, one side is always longer than the oth­er. Do you know why that is? There are more birds on that side.

Wel­come to Plas­tic Surgery Anony­mous. Nice to see so many new faces here today.

Con­den­sa­tion real­ly isn’t the best way to water your lawn… but it’ll make dew.

The pres­i­dent of the Nation­al Ref­er­ees Asso­ci­a­tion has been arrest­ed for cor­rup­tion. Inves­ti­ga­tors haven’t released the name of the whistle-blower.

Who was King Arthur’s alco­holic knight? Sir Ohsis of the Liver.

I was bit­ten by a female deer. Now when­ev­er the moon is full I turn into a weredoe.

What hap­pened when the chick­en became pos­sessed? It turned into a poul­trygeist and laid dev­iled eggs.

A while ago I thought my wife was going to leave me because of my bad pos­ture. It was just a hunch.

I went to a Star Trek con­ven­tion dressed as a tree… I was the captain’s log.

What’s the dif­fer­ence between bird flu and swine flu? One requires tweet­ment and the oth­er, oinkment.

I’ve decid­ed to quit my job as a per­son­al train­er because I’m not big enough or strong enough. Just hand­ed in my too weak notice.

I went on a once-in-a-life­­­time vaca­tion. Nev­er again.

Sci­en­tists have recent­ly record­ed the sound of two heli­um atoms laugh­ing. HeHe

Who said, “Com­ing are the British! Com­ing are the British!”? Paul Reverse.

What do Ger­man snakes say? ßßßßßßßßß

What do you call left­over let­tuce? The romaines.

If Ben Franklin were still alive today, what would he be best known for? Prob­a­bly his age.

Can you teach your­self telepa­thy? I would love to hear your thoughts.

Just found out my child­hood house had mar­ble coun­ter­tops. The whole time I took them for granite.

I think my wife is leav­ing me because of my obses­sion with sim­pli­fy­ing frac­tions. Oh well, hind­sight is 1.

Movie pitch: A pan­dem­ic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas. Glob­al chaos ensues as the dis­ease wipes out 99% of human­i­ty. Des­per­ate sur­vivors fight for sur­vival in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

My friends don’t know that I’m actu­al­ly the shape-shift­ing Norse god of may­hem and mis­chief. I keep it Loki.

I recent­ly inden­tured myself to a dol­phin. It’s hard work, but at least I serve a porpoise.

Where do mansplain­ers get their water? From a well, actually…

My wife com­pos­es songs about sewing machines. She’s a Singer song­writer, or sew it seams.

My ex-wife still miss­es me. But her aim is improving.

Bet you can’t name two crus­taceans that are only found in Lon­don. Here they are: Kings Crus­tacean and Char­ing Crustacean.