My wife and I let astrol­o­gy come between us. It Tau­rus apart.

What does a dog call his ter­ri­to­ry? IP address.

85% of Amer­i­cans don’t know how to do basic math. Thank good­ness I’m part of the oth­er 25%.

In the wind­storm last night I lost 1/4 of my roof. Oof.

How does a math­ema­gi­cian dis­ap­pear? He goes “Proof!”

Elton John’s e‑reader was swept up in a tor­na­do. Like a Kin­dle in the wind.

Know why the pirate didn’t take a show­er before walk­ing the plank? Fig­ured he’d just wash up on shore.

I aced all of my cours­es except for Greek Mythol­o­gy. That has always been my Achilles’ elbow.

What do bees do when they move to a new hive? They throw a house swarm­ing party.

Law­mak­ers are con­sid­er­ing leg­is­la­tion set­ting a min­i­mum drink­ing age for soda. It’s sev­en up.

Know why the para­noid fencer only used a sabre? He had thrust issues.

Old Mac­Don­ald had a dol­phin. E‑E‑E‑E‑E

Why did the Lone Ranger have no luck on Tin­der? No one wants a masked man date.

Know why Noah didn’t let the worms stay in their apple when they got on the Ark? Because every­one had to trav­el in pears.

My friend decid­ed to start a B&B on his rab­bit farm. Now he has a bunch of inn-grown hares.

How do you tet the twins’ atten­tion, both at the same time? Shout “Hey, W!”

My friend was a strug­gling artist until he decid­ed to con­cen­trate on sculp­ture. He made over six fig­ures last year.

The best thing about telepa­thy is… I know, right?!

I asked my girl­friend if I was the only one she’s been with. She said yes, all oth­ers were either 9s or 10s.

Ther­a­pist says, “It seems like you have an acute pho­bia of mar­riage. Do you know the symp­toms?” I reply, “Can’t say I do.”

I went to a tat­too artist who used to be a math teacher. He real­ly did a num­ber on me.

I was dri­ving my Sko­da the oth­er day and had to pull over. I noticed the Czech engine light was on.

Peo­ple aren’t born with a pho­to­graph­ic mem­o­ry. It takes time to develop.

Know what you call it when you eat a toast­er pas­try with­out toast­ing it first? Pop-Tartare.

When I get a headache around my kids, I take two Advil and keep away from them just like the bot­tle says.

I was abduct­ed by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my veg­eta­bles. Turns out I was on the mothership.

My wife is leav­ing me because of my gam­bling addic­tion. But I know I can win her back.

You have two wolves inside you. You need to see a spe­cial­ist. The cor­rect num­ber of wolves inside you is zero.

I bought a gecko and named him Tiny. Because he was my newt.

My friend told me he failed the exam in his authen­tic Aus­tralian music course. I asked, “Did­ja redo it?”

How do you make friends as an adult? Ask­ing for a friend.

How to make a par­ty more inter­est­ing: Approach a stranger and say “I want you to know that I per­son­al­ly have no prob­lem with you being here.”

All these jokes are giv­ing me a headache. Any­one got some dAdvil?

I have been bored recent­ly, so I decid­ed to take up fenc­ing. The neigh­bors keep demand­ing that I put it back.

Yes­ter­day one of my best friends told me that I often make peo­ple uncom­fort­able by vio­lat­ing their per­son­al space. It was real­ly hurt­ful thing to say and com­plete­ly ruined our bath.

Nev­er share a secret with a clock. Time will tell.

Every morn­ing on my way to work, I slip on the frozen news­pa­per left out­side my front door. I must have fall­en on hard Times.

Did you know that koalas aren’t actu­al­ly bears? They don’t meet the koalafications.

What kind of noise does a train make? A low commotion.

Know what soap is good if you want to keep men away? Deter-gent.

Where do whales go when they need braces? An orca-dontist.

On week­ends, I like to play chess with elder­ly men in the park. But it’s becom­ing increas­ing­ly hard­er to find exact­ly 32 of them.

Please don’t wear odd and obscure per­fumes and colognes. Com­mon scents, people!

If you haven’t heard the leg­end of the medieval Japan­ese war­riors… allow me to Samu­rais it for you.

“Does this uni­form make me look fat?” — Inse­cu­ri­ty guard

I’ve heard that head injuries can cause mem­o­ry loss, but I still don’t wear a bike hel­met. I don’t even remem­ber the last time I fell off my bike.

Heard about the new self-help group for peo­ple who talk too much? On and on anon.

Stopped by a road­side stand that said lob­ster tails $2. I pay the guy my $2 and he says, “Once upon a time there was this lobster…”

I’m going to start col­lect­ing high­lighters. Mark my words.

I’m at JFK and the man in front of me has just col­lapsed on the lug­gage carousel. He’s com­ing round slowly.

We’ve got the cheap­est brake repairs in town. Once you start com­ing here, you won’t be able to stop.

I won a con­test at the state fair for grow­ing the biggest pick­le. It was kind of a big dill.

My moth­er joined a pyra­mid scheme. Now I call her Mummy.

Know what you call a magi­cian who has lost his mag­ic? Ian.

I have the mem­o­ry of an ele­phant. I remem­ber when I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.

I was going to post a joke about sled­ding, but things went down­hill quickly.

Pre- means before. Post- means after. To use both pre­fix­es togeth­er would be preposterous.

I want­ed a whis­tle: I bought a wood­en whis­tle but it wood­en whis­tle. Then I bought a steel whis­tle but it steel wood­en whis­tle. So I bought a lead whis­tle but it steel wood­en lead me whistle.

I live in Wyoming so I called my insur­ance to ask what would hap­pen if Yel­low­stone ever erupt­ed. They said not to wor­ry, I would be covered.

Just lost my job at Ikea. I kept screw­ing things up.

If you’re addict­ed to sea­weed… sea kelp.

When you die, peo­ple cry and beg for you to come back. But when you do they’re all run­ning and screaming.

I’m work­ing on a book about all the things I should be doing in my life. It’s an oughtobiography.

While I’m dri­ving the only song I will lis­ten to is the theme from “Looney Tunes.” It’s a car tune.

It snowed overnight. I told my wife to go out­side and shov­el the steps. All I got was icy stares.

My friend Joe recent­ly went on the Dol­ly Par­ton diet. It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe leeeeean. (h/t Red­dit user /u/mykeuk)

I’m not a com­pet­i­tive per­son. I’ll be the first to admit it.

The dif­fer­ence between a jew­el­er and a jail­er? One sells watch­es and the oth­er watch­es cells.

What do you call the king’s rab­bit? Hare to the throne.

Like most cats, lion cubs are born blind. Not see lions though.

My wife thinks I don’t give her enough pri­va­cy. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.

You should always ask for your filet mignon to come from a male bovine. Any­thing else would be a miss steak.

Sad news: I broke up with my girl­friend Lor­raine because I was see­ing anoth­er girl, Claire Lee. Good news though… I can see Claire Lee now Lor­raine has gone.

My wife is threat­en­ing to leave me because I nev­er put the toi­let seat down. To be hon­est, I’m get­ting a lit­tle tired of car­ry­ing it around.

Know how you mea­sure how good a dad joke is? With a sighsmograph.

My wife and I always fight over the right way to mount the toi­let paper roll, so our ther­a­pist sug­gest­ed we try the oth­er person’s way for a week. You know, roll reversal.

My edi­tor told me I should I have a pen name. So from now on, I will be known as Bic.

I’m advis­ing peo­ple on how to grow peas. Should I make a podcast?

The dif­fer­ence between a gam­bler and a gar­den­er? One says “Read ‘em and weep” the oth­er says “Weed ‘em and reap.”

My bal­loon ele­phant wouldn’t fit on the back seat of the car. So I had to pop the trunk.

Why do scu­ba divers fall back­wards into the water? If they fell for­ward, they’d still be in the boat.

There was a rev­o­lu­tion at the poul­try farm. It was a chick­en coup.

What do you call it when a police offi­cer pulls over a U‑Haul? Bust­ing a move.

What’s the best way to catch a com­put­er mouse? The answer might sur­prise you! Click bait.

I like the name “Sat­urn.” It has a nice ring to it.

Know why ele­phants have two tusks? It’s so they can multitusk.

I got a reversible jack­et for Christ­mas. I can’t wait to see how it turns out.

A study found that farm­ers who talk to their cows get bet­ter milk. In one ear and out the udder.

I just got food poi­son­ing from mul­li­gatawny. This stew shall pass.

Know what it’s called when an orphan who was an only child takes a self­ie? Fam­i­ly portrait.

What do you get when you rub two halves of an orange togeth­er? Pulp friction.

I hoped my girl­friend would get back from Ukraine before the 25th. No one wants a chick in Kiev for Christmas.

The scis­sors I bought for cut­ting paper works real­ly well. You could say… The paper scis­sors rocks.

Why did Karl Marx only drink mint tea? Because all prop­er tea is theft.

I made a list of all the peo­ple I hate, but my room­mate rolled a joint with it. Now he’s high on the list of peo­ple I nev­er want to talk to again.

I took a day trip to my child­hood home today. I knocked, and when the res­i­dents answered, I explained how I grew up there — and asked if I might come inside to relive some nos­tal­gia. They angri­ly refused, slammed the door in my face, and threat­ened to call the police if I didn’t leave. My par­ents are the worst.

Today my kids told me they want a pony for Christ­mas. Nor­mal­ly I cook a turkey, but what­ev­er makes them happy.

I got mood poi­son­ing. Must have been some­thing I hate.

I told my cat I’m going to teach him to speak Eng­lish. He looked at me and said, “Me, how?”

When my wife is sad, some­times I let her col­or in my tat­toos. She just needs a shoul­der to crayon.

I acci­den­tal­ly took a dou­ble dose of my anx­i­ety meds. Well, at least I won’t be wor­ry­ing about the pos­si­ble consequences.

My grand­ma was 80% Irish. They used to call her Iris.

My grief coun­selor died. He was so good, I don’t even care.

Three wise men do an infomer­cial for gold and frank­in­cense: “But wait, there’s MYRRH!”

The old woman who lived in a shoe won the lot­tery. She moved to Bev­er­ly Heels.

My boss found my fold­er labeled “Not Safe For Work.” He was didn’t expect to find it full of OSHA violations.

Alpha, Delta, and Omi­cron walk into a bar and order three Coro­nas. Bar­tender says, “That’ll be $20.21.”

I went into the office ear­ly this morn­ing and switched the M and N keys on as many key­boards as I could. Some might call me a mon­ster but the rest will def­i­nite­ly call ne a nomster.

Did you hear about the truck full of Vicks VapoRub that jack­knifed on the high­way? There’s been no con­ges­tion for hours.

What did the beach say when the tide came in? Long time no sea.

Had to end things with my mas­sage ther­a­pist. She rubbed me the wrong way.

Why do bees stay in their bee­hives all through the win­ter? Swarm.

I found a recipe from Moroc­co for home­made din­ner rolls. It called for fresh thyme but mine was dried. I used it any­way. You know, as I rem­i­nisce, I real­ly like that old thyme Moroc­can roll.

Did you hear about the town that legal­ized pot but banned alco­hol? The res­i­dents were left high and dry.

Did you know that Stephen King has a son named Joe? I’m not Joe King, he is.

— “Doc­tor doc­tor, my DNA is back­wards!” — “AND?!”

I’m addict­ed to Thanks­giv­ing left­overs, but I nev­er reheat them. Just can’t quit cold turkey.

Why was Alexan­der Hamil­ton so bad at the decathlon? Because he wouldn’t throw away his shot.

Why are Russ­ian trans­la­tors in Fin­land always in such a hur­ry? Because they’re Russ­ian to Finnish.

A Euro­pean cou­ple — the woman was Pol­ish, the man from Czechia — failed to turn up after hik­ing in the Alps. A lit­tle while after they went miss­ing, some park rangers found two dead bears, one male, one female, just off the trail. Their bel­lies were dis­tend­ed. They cut open the she-bear to find the remains of the woman. “You Read More …

This guy stayed on a mer­ry-go-round for three days. He set a whirled record.

How does the Man in the Moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.

Did you know that Tes­las don’t have a “new car” smell? They have an Elon Musk.

Know what state has the low­est birth rate? Vir­ginia. How about the state where the com­put­ers have become sen­tient? Delaware.

Dad: knock knock Son: who‘s there? Dad: con­trol freak Dad: this is where you say con­trol freak who

Know what one Japan­ese man said to the oth­er? I don’t know either, I don’t speak Japanese.

What do you call a Viking who only talks about him­self? A Norse-issist.

My new deer cloning busi­ness is now accept­ing appli­ca­tions. It’s for any­one look­ing to make a quick buck.

– Sheep: Okay you’re in charge of keep­ing the flock togeth­er. – Me: What? – Sheep: You herd me.

I have not met a sin­gle per­son who is hap­pi­ly married.

If the USA is so amaz­ing… why would any­one make a USB?

Man bursts into the doctor’s office. all pan­icked: “Doc­tor doc­tor, I’m shrink­ing!” Doc­tor says, “Well sir, you’re just going to have to learn to be a lit­tle patient.”

I showed up late to the Klep­to­ma­ni­acs Anony­mous meet­ing. All the seats were already taken.

Ever ring James Bond’s door­bell? It goes: Dong. Ding dong.

One day Cana­da will rule the world. Then you’ll all be sorry.

Accord­ing to the choco­late Advent cal­en­dar I bought yes­ter­day, there are only three days until Christmas.

I’m cur­rent­ly on a restau­rant date with a female box­er. She’s going for the ribs. I might try a duck.

Instead of a swear jar I have a pes­simism jar. Every time I have a neg­a­tive thought I put a coin in. It’s cur­rent­ly half empty.

Know why the archaeopteryx caught the worm? He was an ear­ly bird.

It’s phys­i­cal­ly impos­si­ble to swim in gua­camole. You can only have a dip.

The inven­tors of the Fer­ris wheel and the mer­ry-go-round nev­er met. They trav­eled in dif­fer­ent circles.

At the hos­pi­tal I was admit­ted to, apple pie costs $2 a slice, pump­kin $3, and blue­ber­ry $4. Those are the pie-rates of the care-I-be-in.

They all laughed when I announced my career change to spe­cial­ize in dad jokes. Well, nobody’s laugh­ing now.

Why do we have pop tarts but no mom tarts? Because of the pastryarchy.

Our den­tist spon­sored my kids’ Lit­tle League team, so when they won the cham­pi­onship they were expect­ing a big tro­phy. But all they got was a lit­tle plaque.

What’s small, red, and whis­pers? A hoarse radish.

Would a wan­der­ing cave­man be a Meanderthal?

I acci­den­tal­ly took my cat’s meds this morn­ing… don’t ask meow.

Have you ever con­sid­ered how good-look­ing the sec­ond let­ter of the word “hive” is? I’ve always said that beau­ty is in the “i” of the bee holder.

I saw a chameleon today. It wasn’t a very good one.

– “Doc­tor Doc­tor, I only ever hear half of what’s being said!” – “Let’s put that to the test. Repeat after me: six­­ty-six.” – “Thir­­­ty-three!”

Many peo­ple in Ger­many, fear­ing anoth­er Covid spike, are buy­ing up cheese and sausages. Prepar­ing for a wurst kase scenario.

Know what you call 12-inch cars? Foot traffic.

Why does Covid-19 spread so rapid­ly in the pirate com­mu­ni­ty? Because of the high arrrr value.

What sound does an air­plane make when it bounces on land­ing? Boe­ing, boe­ing, boeing.

What do Ger­man air force pilots eat for break­fast? Luftwaffles.

Why are haunt­ed ships the most effi­cient? Because they run with a skele­ton crew.

I just end­ed a 5 year rela­tion­ship… — OMG are you okay? — I’m fine, it wasn’t my relationship.

Dig­ging tun­nels deep under­ground, using com­plex machin­ery, sounds fas­ci­nat­ing. But it’s real­ly boring.

What do you call a dinosaur in high heels? Myfeetaresaurus.

To who­ev­er stole my mir­ror… I hope you reflect on what you’ve done.

Why has this Covid sit­u­a­tion been espe­cial­ly stress­ful on the Flat Earth soci­ety? Even though last year they were excit­ed about flat­ten­ing the curve, long-term they fear that social dis­tanc­ing mea­sures could actu­al­ly push peo­ple over the edge.

What do bak­ers say when they’ve for­got­ten to put their bread in the oven? D’ough!

My wife hates how I always pre­tend we are on walkie-talkies. Wife: Our rela­tion­ship is over. Me: Our rela­tion­ship is what? Over.

What do you call a pre­his­toric hip hop artist? Velocirapstar.

Know how the hack­er escaped the police? He just ransomware.

How do you hide a new video game before Christ­mas? You put the car­tridge in a pear tree.

Sci­en­tists have found a dwarf species of axolotl. They’ve named it the axolitl.

What do you call a zom­bie who stir-fries? Dead man wok-ing.

My grand­fa­ther brought down 23 Ger­man planes in WW-II. Worst mechan­ic the Luft­waffe ever had.

Know when Old Spice was invent­ed? Dur­ing cologne-ial times.

The arche­ol­o­gist made a big mis­take: He thought he’d found a Pharaoh’s tomb, but it was just some old Giza.

Pen­guins pro­duce an oil that helps their feath­ers retain heat. The oily bird gets the warm.

What would you call some­one who’s a wiz­ard at weightlift­ing? Albus Dumbbelldore.

I was gonna hold off mak­ing a joke about super­con­duc­tors… But I just couldn’t resist.

A man goes to a psy­chi­a­trist and says, “Doc, I keep hav­ing delu­sions that I’m a goat. Ever since I was a kid…”

Know why elec­tric cars are so expen­sive? Because they charge a lot.

To who­ev­er stole my deck of cards: I can’t deal with you.

To who­ev­er stole my ele­va­tor joke: I know what you’re up to.

To who­ev­er stole my cow… My beef is with you, sir!

What do you call a can open­er that doesn’t work? A can’t opener.

My friend is quite the inven­tor. He’s man­aged to cre­ate a light­bulb pow­ered only by word­plays. Now he’s got a sock­et full of punshine.

To the per­son who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.

It’s against the rules for NFL play­ers to own a duck. It’s a per­son­al fowl.

My dyslex­ia has reached a new owl.

Pro­fes­sion­al mir­ror pho­tog­ra­phy. It’s a job I could real­ly see myself doing.

I real­ly love my fur­ni­ture. My reclin­er and I go way back.

Ever used WD40 to get rid of mice? It doesn’t work, but it does stop them squeaking.

My ex-girl­friend just told me she wants us to get back togeth­er again. Man, I sure am lucky! I mean, first I win the lot­tery and now this!

I keep call­ing my wife Delilah even though her name is Delia. I keep call­ing our lawn “the green, green grass of home.” And worst of all, every time I see a cat, I can’t help but ask, “What’s new, pussy­cat?” It turns out I have Tom Jones Syn­drome. My doc­tor says it’s not unusual.

Know who Old Mac­Don­ald called on to pro­tect his farm? GI-GI-Joe.

We start­ed a band and called it “Books.” So no one can judge us by our covers.

Called in blind today. Just couldn’t see myself going to work.

Edu­cat­ed peo­ple are hot. They have more degrees.

What do you call a woman with a bot­tle open­er in one hand, a knife in the oth­er hand, a pair of scis­sors under her arm, and a corkscrew behind her ear? Swiss Army Wife.

What’s a cow­boys favorite car? Audi, partner.

Did you know that bees are actu­al­ly aller­gic to pollen? They break out in hives.

My doc­tor diag­nosed me with a chron­ic toma­to sauce defi­cien­cy. He pre­scribed med­ical marinara.

What did one dried fish said to the oth­er? Long time no sea.

Know what it takes to be able to tell a dad joke? You have to be a groan man.

I got a pro­mo­tion at the tree farm. I’m now a branch manager.

How is a moose dif­fer­ent from an ant? Moose have antlers but ants don’t have mooselers.

When we moved into my new igloo our friends threw a house-war­m­ing par­ty. Now we’re homeless.

Train con­duc­tors can nev­er be trust­ed. They all have loco motives.

They’re releas­ing a tenth install­ment of the Fast & Furi­ous fran­chise. It’ll be called “Fast Ten: Your Seat Belts.”

How many click­bait arti­cles does it take to change a light bulb? The answer will shock you!

A friend invit­ed me to a feath­­­er-themed fan­cy dress par­ty. “Sure,” I said. “I’m down.”

Did you know that sinks can’t open doors? Let that sink in.

What sport needs a life jack­et, a pad­dle, and a ball of yarn? White­wa­ter crafting.

I just got fired from my job as a set design­er. I left with­out mak­ing a scene.

How many nar­cis­sists does it take to change a light­bulb? None, they all use gaslighting.

Know what you call a gang­ster horse? Al Capony.

I had to stop going to the local com­e­dy cof­fee shop. Too much brew ha ha.

Know what the judge said to the den­tist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and noth­ing but the tooth?

A frog got his DNA test­ed. Turns out he’s part Irish, part British, and a tad Pole.

I know why YouTube con­stant­ly rec­om­mends videos of danc­ing for­mer Vice Pres­i­dents. It’s just the Al Gore rhythm.

I cre­at­ed a dat­ing app for chick­ens. It’s not my day job, it’s just to make hens meet.

Archae­ol­o­gists are hav­ing a par­ty to cel­e­brate unearthing the largest dinosaur tib­ia ever found. It’s going to be quite the shindig.

I love eye jokes. The cornea the better.

I heard that crick­et match­es can last for days. No rest for the wick­et, I suppose.

I wish I was sin­gle for one day. Being sin­gle my whole life is exhausting.

Why do astronomers add ground beef to their sham­poo? So they can have meati­er showers.

Does every sen­tence have to men­tion some kind of veg­etable? Not necesscelery.

I tried donat­ing blood today… nev­er again! Too many ques­tions. Like, “Whose blood is this?”, “How did you get it?”, “Why is it in a bucket?”

It’s impor­tant to wear glass­es dur­ing math class. It improves division.

Nev­er buy let­tuce from The Mamas and The Papas Gro­cery. All the leaves are brown.

You know what font they use for the let­ter noo­dles in alpha­bet soup? Times New Ramen.

Back in the 80s, I’d often dress up nice­ly, go out and order din­ner for one, see movies alone, take long soli­tary walks… Wow, I’m real­ly dat­ing myself.

Know what they call the soft, sweet cheese served at Amer­i­can stock car rac­ing tracks? NASCARpone.

I’m try­ing to get back down to my orig­i­nal weight. 8 lbs 9 oz.

Bat­man invit­ed all the super­heroes for a dis­cus­sion on Bit­coin, but Super­man didn’t show up. Because it was cryp­to night.

Do I have to keep mak­ing dad jokes? The short answer is No. The long answer is Nnnnnnnnnoooooooo.

My wife Dorothy left me because of my obses­sion with Morse code. I said, “Please don’t dash, Dot!”

Know where elder­ly Egypt­ian guys gath­ered in the ancient king­dom? At the Great Pyra­mid of Geezer.

Every night at 8:50 sharp my wrist starts hurt­ing. Doc­tor diag­nosed a case of ten-to-ninetis.

Know what hip hop artists call their sheet music? Rap­ping paper.

Did you know athlete’s foot only occurs in the US? Every­where else it’s athlete’s meter.

I Googled “lost medieval ser­vant boy” — got “Page not found.”

I grilled a chick­en for two hours. It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road.

What if Iron Man teamed up with the Sil­ver Surfer? They would be alloys.

I have an irra­tional fear of over-designed build­ings. It’s a com­plex com­plex complex.

I final­ly quit drink­ing for good. Now I drink for evil.

It’s a shame noth­ing is made in the USA any­more. I just bought a TV that said “Built in Anten­na.” I don’t even know where that is!

Know why it’s a bad idea to iron your four-leaf clover? You shouldn’t press your luck.

Doc, it hurts when I poke myself on the shoul­der and when I poke myself on the fore­head and when I poke myself on the thigh. Doc­tor: Your fin­ger is broken.

Tired? There’s a nap for that.

My girl­friend said if I bought her one more stu­pid gift, she would burn it. So I bought her a candle.

How many Ger­mans does it take to change a light­bulb? One. They’re very effi­cient, and not par­tic­u­lar­ly funny.

My mom was a radi­ol­o­gist, and she met my dad when he came in for an x‑ray. I won­der what she saw in him.

I caught a cold near the carousel. Heard there was some­thing going around.

Two tec­ton­ic plates bumped into one anoth­er. They both said “Sor­ry, my fault.”

Nev­er lie to an x‑ray techi­cian. They can see right through you.

“Dad, how did you trim the hedges so straight?” “With cut­ting hedge technology.”

My doc­tor said I have a blad­der infec­tion. I asked him what that means and he replied, “Urine trouble.”

Anoth­er name for a pater­ni­ty test? Pop quiz.

My wife says I’m use­less at fix­ing elec­tri­cal appli­ances. Well, she’s in for a shock.

Best way to kill a south­ern vam­pire? Bless his heart.

Why did the Red Army have so many excel­lent snipers? It’s because they were all Marx men.

Know why Cin­derel­la was kicked off the soc­cer team? She kept run­ning away from the ball.

I woke up this morn­ing to find two birds sit­ting in the sun in the back­yard eat­ing ice cream. They were Bask­ing Robins.

I lost one of my wife’s audio books. I know I will nev­er hear the end of it.

My girl­friend changed a lot since she became veg­an. It’s like I’ve nev­er seen herbivore.

I have a Dutch drone that stays in the air indef­i­nite­ly. It Netherlands.

What do cow­boys use to move from state to state? Yee-Hauls.

The Ital­ian chef got locked out of his restau­rant… He had gnocchi.

I had to give a pre­sen­ta­tion on play­grounds. There were lots of slides.

My friend Tony asked me not to say his name back­wards. I said y not?

At first I despised shel­ter­ing in place, but now I love it. I think it’s stuck-home syndrome.

I exer­cise by run­ning up the street and knock­ing on all the doors. Jehovah’s Fitness.

Two dogs walked into a bar. It was yap­py hour.

The CEO of IKEA was just elect­ed prime min­is­ter of Swe­den. It’ll take him a week to assem­ble his cabinet.

I’m not a com­pet­i­tive per­son. And I’ll be the first to admit it.

The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a tune. But the Chick Peas can only hum­mus one.

I crossed a coho salmon with a sock­eye salmon. Got a cock­eyed salmon.

What do you call a fish wear­ing a bowtie? Sofishticated.

Went to an open-air cafe yes­ter­day and it rained. Took me an hour to eat my soup.

Robert de Niro is asked if he has any fam­i­ly in Salt Lake City, and he growls, “Utah kin to me?”

An Amer­i­can, a French­man, a Mex­i­can, and a Ger­man were all attend­ing a Zoom meet­ing. The super­vi­sor asked, “Can you all see me OK?” To which they answered, “Yes” “Oui” “Si” “Ja.”

I went to an ortho­don­tist who only charged me $1. That’s why I have buck teeth.

My neigh­bor came over to bor­row some spaghet­ti and asked what she owed me. I said, “It’ll cost you a pret­ty penne.”

My stim­u­lus check came on St. Patrick’s Day. That’s what I call the luck of the IRS.

I was inter­ro­gat­ing a crab and I asked it, “What’s your name? Where do you live? What’s that on your back?” It said: “Michelle.”

I had a dream where I was being chased by a huge pair of shoes. Catch­ing up to me was no small feet.

What do you call Bat­man when he’s bad­ly hurt? Bruised Wayne.

I wrote a book on base­ments… it’s on the Best Cel­lars list.

My wife has the weird­est aba­cus tat­too on her back. But I can always count on her.

My doc­tor has advised me to stop drink­ing. It’s going to be a mas­sive change for me, I’ve been with that doc­tor for 15 years.

Did you know: in Iran they are pet­ri­fied of spi­ders. But in Iraq, no phobia.

I went into the kitchen this morn­ing and there was a “Get Bet­ter Soon” card on the table for me. I called out to my wife ask­ing what it was for because I wasn’t sick. She shout­ed back from the oth­er room, “It’s an ultimatum.”

Google is so use­less. I’ve been search­ing for lighters — it showed 3,580,642 match­es instead.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road? The chick­en hadn’t evolved yet.

The punch­line always comes before the joke. What is the worst part about time trav­el jokes?

My wife took off with a trac­tor sales­man. Left me with a John Deere letter.

A garbage man was doing the rounds one morn­ing. He came to a house where there was no bin out front, but there was a man sit­ting on the porch. — G‘man: “Hey! Where’s ya bin?” Guy: “I’ve been in Flori­da.” — G‘man: “No, no. I meant where’s ya wheely bin?” Guy: “I’ve real­ly been in jail but I tell every­one I’ve Read More …

I come from a fam­i­ly of magi­cians, which may be why I have two half sisters.

My dad found out that I had an imag­i­nary girl­friend. Dad: “You can do much bet­ter, you know!” Me: “Thanks Dad. That means so much to me.” Dad: “I was talk­ing to her.”

Just had an offi­cer at the door say­ing he was look­ing for a man with one eye. Told him he’d prob­a­bly find him a lot quick­er if he used both.

Mon­day is Jamaican Day at work. I’m dread­ing it.

I have a jar where I put in a quar­ter every time I have a neg­a­tive thought. It’s half empty.

In the old days, exces­sive use of com­mas was con­sid­ered a seri­ous crime. It usu­al­ly result­ed in a long sen­tence. (h/t Nathaniel Moore)