- Why did the chicken cross the road? — Dunno… — To get to the fool’s house. Knock, knock. — Who’s there? — Buk buk b’KAWWKK
— Hey dad, have you seen my sunglasses? — No son, have you seen my dadglasses?
Pro tip: to stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan — take away its tiny little brooms.
Last year it certainly wasn’t much fun having a broken neck. But now I can look back and laugh.
My boss said to me, “You’re the worst train driver I’ve ever seen. How many have you derailed this week?” I said, “Honestly sir, I don’t know. It’s hard for me to keep track.”
My wife says I’m addicted to auctions but she’s wrong. I actually stopped after going once… going twice…
Did you know you can hear blood flowing close to the skin? You just have to listen varicosely.
My therapist told me that I’m incapable of verbalizing my feelings. Can’t say I’m surprised.
When people misspell barely as barley, they’re not making a mistake. They’re just going against the grain.
Back in the old days only the rich could afford automobiles while the common people had horses. Now only the richest have horses while almost everyone has an automobile. How the stables have turned.
I think there’s something wrong with the cactus I’m growing… but I can’t put my finger on it.
The 40 year old health care worker who cares for newborns started questioning her career choices, then flipped out and left town. Having a midwife crisis.
I’m writing a book on weight loss. I hope it will appeal to a wide audience.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. (h/t Steven Wright)
A Mafia hit-man was arrested for killing someone in a rice field with a porcelain figurine. The police said it was the first known case of a knick knack paddy whack.
I know this farmer who spent his stimulus check on baby chickens. Got his money for nothing and his chicks for free. (h/t Mark Gibbs)
My friend finally overcame his addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers. He quit cold turkey.
Who wants to watch a puppet show, minus the puppets? Let’s see a show of hands.
The swordfish has few predators in the wild, except for the rarely seen penfish, which is said to be even mightier.
The guy running my town is awful. He doesn’t respond to phone calls because he only works after dark. He’s a total night mayor.
My teacher said I’d never amount to much because of my procrastination. I told her, “Just you wait!”
I called the Incontinence Hotline number. The voice said, “Please hold.”
I offended my girlfriend so I wrote her an apology in dots and dashes. Remorse code.
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast. (h/t Demetri Martin)
Here’s a picture of me with R.E.M. That’s me in the corner. (h/t Milton Jones)
What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? “Curses! Foil again!”
Know what it’s called when you die and are born again as a hillbilly? Reintarnation.
Did you see the joke I posted recently about my spine? It was about a weak back.
Did you know that there are no canaries in the Canary Islands? The same thing applies with the Virgin Islands. There are no canaries there either.
Know why the people is St. Louis are so hospitable? Missouri loves company.
I lost my job selling cars after the first day, when a customer asked me about cargo space. I said, “Car no do that, car no fly.”
If an ice-cream franchise can’t pay its power bill, it will go into liquidation.
My wife asked if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner. So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
I went to the smoke shop only to discover that it has been replaced by an apparel store. Clothes, but no cigar.
My friend claims that he can print a gun using his 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I have had a Canon printer for years.
My daughter’s stepdad was the one who took her fishing every year growing up. She considers him her reel dad.
The Lego shop reopens today but I recommend avoiding it at first. People will be lined up for blocks.
This is going to be the first year that I haven’t taken a vacation in Paris, because of the pandemic. In the past it has always been due to lack of money.
My wife has this weird OCD thing where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought. It’s an extremely rare dish order.
I got into a fight with an employee at my local hardware store today. He asked if I wanted decking. Luckily I got the first punch in.
My wife asked me to clear the table. I needed a running start, but I did it.
No joking today. I dedicate this post to all who are demonstrating for racial justice. I see you. I hear you. I stand with you.
I would like to be a millionaire just like my dad. He always wanted to be a millionaire too.
After a couple of weeks of trying, my wife just told me that she is pregnant! She has the worst stutter ever.
As a colorblind man, I thought I saw red for the first time. Turns out it was only a pigment of my imagination.
Some people just don’t believe that Justin is the Prime Minister of Canada. It’s Trudeau.
What starts with an “e”, ends with an “e” and only has one letter in it? An envelope. What starts with an “t”, ends with a “t” and only has “t” in it? A teapot.
Trying to figure out why I’m having such difficulty operating my doorbell. I just can’t put my finger on it.
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail. But apparently you’re not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
There’s a discount to get into the local aquarium as long as you’re either camping or dressed as a dolphin. So to all in tents and porpoises, it’s free.
I walked into the kitchen this morning and saw that my wife was cooking breakfast in her slippers again. I thought to myself, “I really should buy her a frying pan.”
My daughter pointed to a word on the page and asked, “Is this the Spanish word for ‘nap’?” “Si, está.”
My wife and I can never agree on vacations. I want to go to exotic islands and stay in 5 star hotels. She wants to come with me.
There’s a fine line between a Bad Joke and a Dad Joke. You can see it in the middle of the B.
My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him. I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
My father and grandfather worked for the DMV. I come from a long line of long lines.
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines? Because they have a supreme ruler.
My grandpa used to say, “When one door closes, another shall open.” Good man, terrible cabinet maker.
My grandma is 96 years old and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks straight from the bottle.
I was going grocery shopping this morning. They told me latex gloves and a face mask was enough. So I go in the store and what do I see? The others are still wearing a T‑shirt and pants.