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As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog. (h/t Gary Delaney) more / comment…
I could tell my par­ents hat­ed me, my bath toys were a toast­er and a radio. more / comment…
Hey, if any­one knows how to fix some bro­ken hinges, my door’s always open. (h/t Paul F. Tay­lor) more / comment…
I don’t want to say we eat out a lot, but I’ve noticed that late­ly when I call my kids for din­ner, they run to the car. more / comment…
How many Columbians does it take to change a light­bulb? Juan. more / comment…
I had to quit my job at the shoe recy­cling fac­to­ry. It was just sole destroy­ing. more / comment…
I hate neg­a­tive num­bers and will stop at noth­ing to avoid them. more / comment…
I went to Barnes & Noble and asked the woman for a book about tur­tles, she said “Hard­back?” and I was like, “Yeah and lit­tle heads.” (h/t Mark Sim­mons) more / comment…
Due to the state of the econ­o­my, prof­iteroles will now be called deficiteroles. more / comment…
I think it’s wrong that only one com­pa­ny makes the game Monop­oly. more / comment…
Why don’t you ever see hip­popota­mus hid­ing in trees? Because they’re real­ly good at it. more / comment…
A lot of peo­ple cry when they cut onions. The trick is not to form an emo­tion­al bond. more / comment…