ba-dum
tss
sad trom-
bone
Click either one
as need­ed
What do you get when you rub two halves of an orange togeth­er? Pulp fric­tion. more / comment…
I hoped my girl­friend would get back from Ukraine before the 25th. No one wants a chick in Kiev for Christ­mas. more / comment…
The scis­sors I bought for cut­ting paper works real­ly well. You could say… The paper scis­sors rocks. more / comment…
Why did Karl Marx only drink mint tea? Because all prop­er tea is theft. more / comment…
I made a list of all the peo­ple I hate, but my room­mate rolled a joint with it. Now he’s high on the list of peo­ple I nev­er want to talk to again. more / comment…
I took a day trip to my child­hood home today. I knocked, and when the res­i­dents answered, I explained how I grew up there — and asked if I might come inside to relive some nos­tal­gia. They angri­ly refused, slammed the door in my face, and threat­ened to call the police if I didn’t leave. My par­ents are the worst. more / comment…
Today my kids told me they want a pony for Christ­mas. Nor­mal­ly I cook a turkey, but what­ev­er makes them hap­py. more / comment…
I got mood poi­son­ing. Must have been some­thing I hate. more / comment…
I told my cat I’m going to teach him to speak Eng­lish. He looked at me and said, “Me, how?” more / comment…
When my wife is sad, some­times I let her col­or in my tat­toos. She just needs a shoul­der to cray­on. more / comment…
I acci­den­tal­ly took a dou­ble dose of my anx­i­ety meds. Well, at least I won’t be wor­ry­ing about the pos­si­ble con­se­quences. more / comment…
My grand­ma was 80% Irish. They used to call her Iris. more / comment…