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What do you get when you rub two halves of an orange together? Pulp friction. more / comment…
I hoped my girlfriend would get back from Ukraine before the 25th. No one wants a chick in Kiev for Christmas. more / comment…
The scissors I bought for cutting paper works really well. You could say… The paper scissors rocks. more / comment…
Why did Karl Marx only drink mint tea? Because all proper tea is theft. more / comment…
I made a list of all the people I hate, but my roommate rolled a joint with it. Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again. more / comment…
I took a day trip to my childhood home today. I knocked, and when the residents answered, I explained how I grew up there — and asked if I might come inside to relive some nostalgia. They angrily refused, slammed the door in my face, and threatened to call the police if I didn’t leave. My parents are the worst. more / comment…
Today my kids told me they want a pony for Christmas. Normally I cook a turkey, but whatever makes them happy. more / comment…
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate. more / comment…
I told my cat I’m going to teach him to speak English. He looked at me and said, “Me, how?” more / comment…
When my wife is sad, sometimes I let her color in my tattoos. She just needs a shoulder to crayon. more / comment…
I accidentally took a double dose of my anxiety meds. Well, at least I won’t be worrying about the possible consequences. more / comment…
My grandma was 80% Irish. They used to call her Iris. more / comment…