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Red sky at night: sailor’s delight. Blue sky at night: day. (h/t Tom Parry) more / comment…
I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over. (h/t Milton Jones) more / comment…
I have two boys, 8 and 9. We’re no good at naming things in our house. (h/t Ed Byrne) more / comment…
My dad always used to say “Out with the old, in with the new.” Lovely man, terrible antiques dealer. more / comment…
What did the revolutionary bread tell the other breads? “We have to rise up, my breadren!” more / comment…
What do you call a paper airplane that doesn’t fly? Stationery. more / comment…
Couldn’t understand why my dog was totally motionless… Then I realized, it was on paws. more / comment…
What is made of cheese and found in Scotland? The Loch Ness Muenster. more / comment…
Dentists always ask dumb questions like “When’s the last time you flossed?” Like bro, you were there! more / comment…
I thought I saw Michael J. Fox at my local garden center. I’m not sure if it was him, though, as he had his back to the fuchsias. more / comment…
My biggest talent is always being able to tell what’s in a wrapped present. It’s a gift. more / comment…
Did you hear about the mechanic who fell asleep under the car? He woke up oily in the morning. more / comment…