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I wrote a book on base­ments… it’s on the Best Cel­lars list. more / comment…
My wife has the weird­est aba­cus tat­too on her back. But I can always count on her. more / comment…
My doc­tor has advised me to stop drink­ing. It’s going to be a mas­sive change for me, I’ve been with that doc­tor for 15 years. more / comment…
Did you know: in Iran they are pet­ri­fied of spi­ders. But in Iraq, no pho­bia. more / comment…
I went into the kitchen this morn­ing and there was a “Get Bet­ter Soon” card on the table for me. I called out to my wife ask­ing what it was for because I wasn’t sick. She shout­ed back from the oth­er room, “It’s an ulti­ma­tum.” more / comment…
Google is so use­less. I’ve been search­ing for lighters — it showed 3,580,642 match­es instead. more / comment…
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? The chick­en hadn’t evolved yet. more / comment…
The punch­line always comes before the joke. What is the worst part about time trav­el jokes? more / comment…
My wife took off with a trac­tor sales­man. Left me with a John Deere let­ter. more / comment…
A garbage man was doing the rounds one morn­ing. He came to a house where there was no bin out front, but there was a man sit­ting on the porch. — G‘man: “Hey! Where’s ya bin?” Guy: “I’ve been in Flori­da.” — G‘man: “No, no. I meant where’s ya wheely bin?” Guy: “I’ve real­ly been in jail but I tell every­one I’ve been in Flori­da.” more / comment…
I come from a fam­i­ly of magi­cians, which may be why I have two half sis­ters. more / comment…
My dad found out that I had an imag­i­nary girl­friend. Dad: “You can do much bet­ter, you know!” Me: “Thanks Dad. That means so much to me.” Dad: “I was talk­ing to her.” more / comment…