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I wrote a book on basements… it’s on the Best Cellars list. more / comment…
My wife has the weirdest abacus tattoo on her back. But I can always count on her. more / comment…
My doctor has advised me to stop drinking. It’s going to be a massive change for me, I’ve been with that doctor for 15 years. more / comment…
Did you know: in Iran they are petrified of spiders. But in Iraq, no phobia. more / comment…
I went into the kitchen this morning and there was a “Get Better Soon” card on the table for me. I called out to my wife asking what it was for because I wasn’t sick. She shouted back from the other room, “It’s an ultimatum.” more / comment…
Google is so useless. I’ve been searching for lighters — it showed 3,580,642 matches instead. more / comment…
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? The chicken hadn’t evolved yet. more / comment…
The punchline always comes before the joke. What is the worst part about time travel jokes? more / comment…
My wife took off with a tractor salesman. Left me with a John Deere letter. more / comment…
A garbage man was doing the rounds one morning. He came to a house where there was no bin out front, but there was a man sitting on the porch. — G‘man: “Hey! Where’s ya bin?” Guy: “I’ve been in Florida.” — G‘man: “No, no. I meant where’s ya wheely bin?” Guy: “I’ve really been in jail but I tell everyone I’ve been in Florida.” more / comment…
I come from a family of magicians, which may be why I have two half sisters. more / comment…
My dad found out that I had an imaginary girlfriend. Dad: “You can do much better, you know!” Me: “Thanks Dad. That means so much to me.” Dad: “I was talking to her.” more / comment…