How do you make friends as an adult? Ask­ing for a friend.

How to make a par­ty more inter­est­ing: Approach a stranger and say “I want you to know that I per­son­al­ly have no prob­lem with you being here.”

All these jokes are giv­ing me a headache. Any­one got some dAdvil?

I have been bored recent­ly, so I decid­ed to take up fenc­ing. The neigh­bors keep demand­ing that I put it back.

Yes­ter­day one of my best friends told me that I often make peo­ple uncom­fort­able by vio­lat­ing their per­son­al space. It was real­ly hurt­ful thing to say and com­plete­ly ruined our bath.

Nev­er share a secret with a clock. Time will tell.

Every morn­ing on my way to work, I slip on the frozen news­pa­per left out­side my front door. I must have fall­en on hard Times.

Did you know that koalas aren’t actu­al­ly bears? They don’t meet the koalafications.

What kind of noise does a train make? A low commotion.

Know what soap is good if you want to keep men away? Deter-gent.

Where do whales go when they need braces? An orca-dontist.

On week­ends, I like to play chess with elder­ly men in the park. But it’s becom­ing increas­ing­ly hard­er to find exact­ly 32 of them.

Please don’t wear odd and obscure per­fumes and colognes. Com­mon scents, people!

If you haven’t heard the leg­end of the medieval Japan­ese war­riors… allow me to Samu­rais it for you.

“Does this uni­form make me look fat?” — Inse­cu­ri­ty guard

I’ve heard that head injuries can cause mem­o­ry loss, but I still don’t wear a bike hel­met. I don’t even remem­ber the last time I fell off my bike.

Heard about the new self-help group for peo­ple who talk too much? On and on anon.

Stopped by a road­side stand that said lob­ster tails $2. I pay the guy my $2 and he says, “Once upon a time there was this lobster…”

I’m going to start col­lect­ing high­lighters. Mark my words.

I’m at JFK and the man in front of me has just col­lapsed on the lug­gage carousel. He’s com­ing round slowly.