I just got offered a job teach­ing lit­er­a­ture in prison. Spent all night think­ing about the prose and cons.

Evo­lu­tion is so strange. Dol­phins start­ed off as sea crea­tures, then evolved to have legs, only to return to the sea even­tu­al­ly and lose them. Kin­da defeets the por­poise, don’t you think?

Today my son asked me if I had seen the new movie “The Truck.” I answered, “No, but I saw the trail­er yes­ter­day.”

I sat down for din­ner at a restau­rant, and the wait­er asked me, “Do you want to hear today’s spe­cial?” I said, “Yes please.” Wait­er: “No prob­lem, sir. Today is spe­cial.”

My girl­friend asked if we could have an old movie night and watch “Gaslight.” I told her “We already watched that togeth­er, don’t you remem­ber?”

Know how peo­ple in San Anto­nio like their pie? Alam­o’d.

A bossy man goes into a bar. He orders every­one a round.

Know why the Jedi don’t have a navy? Because sail­ing is a path to the dock­side.

The rea­son Super­man can’t defeat Drac­u­la… is because he can’t go near the crypt tonight.

My friend couldn’t afford to pay his water bill. I sent him a “Get well soon” card.

I made a song about Covid-19. It’s super catchy.

If a Viking is rein­car­nat­ed, is he Bjorn again?

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked: “Do you ever get a shoot­ing pain across your body, like some­one’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stab­bing it?” I replied, “No…” She respond­ed, “How about now?”

I have a rac­ing goose for sale. Let me know if you wan­na take a quick gan­der.

A local bar­ber got arrest­ed for sell­ing drugs. Blew my mind. I’ve been his cus­tomer for years, had no idea he was a bar­ber.

Peo­ple should wear dif­fer­ent deodor­ants, one under each armpit. That’s just my two scents.

Ath­letes get athlete’s foot, but astro­nauts just get mis­sile toe.

I final­ly got my wife to watch Back to the Future. I told her it’s about time.

A mime was arrest­ed yes­ter­day after break­ing his left arm in a bar fight. He still has the right to remain silent.

My wife asked me to pass her lip­stick but I acci­den­tal­ly passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t speak­ing to me.