My wife says she’s divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas. But will she leave? Find out next week.
Doctor said I’m at risk of a heart attack due to high sodium intake. I took what he said with a grain of salt.
If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that. (h/t Milton Jones)
I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again. (h/t Tim Vine)
When a Jehovah’s Witness dies, does Heaven turn out the lights and pretend nobody’s home?
The Invisible Man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
I said to the gym instructor, “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.” (h/t Tim Vine)
I’m so old, I remember when the Dead Sea was just sick.
Know what you call a very tall buffalo? Buffahigh.
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said “Analogue?” I said “No, just a watch.” (h/t Tim Vine)
If alcohol can damage your short term memory, imagine the damage alcohol can do.
I’m entering the worlds tightest hat competition. Just hope I can pull it off. (h/t Tim Vine)
Red sky at night: sailor’s delight. Blue sky at night: day. (h/t Tom Parry)
I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over. (h/t Milton Jones)
I have two boys, 8 and 9. We’re no good at naming things in our house. (h/t Ed Byrne)
My dad always used to say “Out with the old, in with the new.” Lovely man, terrible antiques dealer.
What did the revolutionary bread tell the other breads? “We have to rise up, my breadren!”
What do you call a paper airplane that doesn’t fly? Stationery.
Couldn’t understand why my dog was totally motionless… Then I realized, it was on paws.
What is made of cheese and found in Scotland? The Loch Ness Muenster.