The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a tune. But the Chick Peas can only hum­mus one.

I crossed a coho salmon with a sock­eye salmon. Got a cock­eyed salmon.

What do you call a fish wear­ing a bowtie? Sofishticated.

Went to an open-air cafe yes­ter­day and it rained. Took me an hour to eat my soup.

Robert de Niro is asked if he has any fam­i­ly in Salt Lake City, and he growls, “Utah kin to me?”

An Amer­i­can, a French­man, a Mex­i­can, and a Ger­man where all attend­ing a Zoom meet­ing. The super­vi­sor asked, “Can you all see me OK?” To which they answered, “Yes” “Oui” “Si” “Ja.”

I went to an ortho­don­tist who only charged me $1. That’s why I have buck teeth.

My neigh­bor came over to bor­row some spaghet­ti and asked what she owed me. I said, “It’ll cost you a pret­ty penne.”

My stim­u­lus check came on St. Patrick’s Day. That’s what I call the luck of the IRS.

I was inter­ro­gat­ing a crab and I asked it, “What’s your name? Where do you live? What’s that on your back?” It said: “Michelle.”

I had a dream where I was being chased by a huge pair of shoes. Catch­ing up to me was no small feet.

What do you call Bat­man when he’s bad­ly hurt? Bruised Wayne.

I wrote a book on base­ments… it’s on the Best Cel­lars list.

My wife has the weird­est aba­cus tat­too on her back. But I can always count on her.

My doc­tor has advised me to stop drink­ing. It’s going to be a mas­sive change for me, I’ve been with that doc­tor for 15 years.

Did you know: in Iran they are pet­ri­fied of spi­ders. But in Iraq, no phobia.

I went into the kitchen this morn­ing and there was a “Get Bet­ter Soon” card on the table for me. I called out to my wife ask­ing what it was for because I wasn’t sick. She shout­ed back from the oth­er room, “It’s an ultimatum.”

Google is so use­less. I’ve been search­ing for lighters — it showed 3,580,642 match­es instead.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road? The chick­en hadn’t evolved yet.

The punch­line always comes before the joke. What is the worst part about time trav­el jokes?