I just got offered a job teaching literature in prison. Spent all night thinking about the prose and cons.
Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to return to the sea eventually and lose them. Kinda defeets the porpoise, don’t you think?
Today my son asked me if I had seen the new movie “The Truck.” I answered, “No, but I saw the trailer yesterday.”
I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, “Do you want to hear today’s special?” I said, “Yes please.” Waiter: “No problem, sir. Today is special.”
My girlfriend asked if we could have an old movie night and watch “Gaslight.” I told her “We already watched that together, don’t you remember?”
Know how people in San Antonio like their pie? Alamo’d.
A bossy man goes into a bar. He orders everyone a round.
Know why the Jedi don’t have a navy? Because sailing is a path to the dockside.
The reason Superman can’t defeat Dracula… is because he can’t go near the crypt tonight.
My friend couldn’t afford to pay his water bill. I sent him a “Get well soon” card.
I made a song about Covid-19. It’s super catchy.
If a Viking is reincarnated, is he Bjorn again?
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked: “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?” I replied, “No…” She responded, “How about now?”
I have a racing goose for sale. Let me know if you wanna take a quick gander.
A local barber got arrested for selling drugs. Blew my mind. I’ve been his customer for years, had no idea he was a barber.
People should wear different deodorants, one under each armpit. That’s just my two scents.
Athletes get athlete’s foot, but astronauts just get missile toe.
I finally got my wife to watch Back to the Future. I told her it’s about time.
A mime was arrested yesterday after breaking his left arm in a bar fight. He still has the right to remain silent.
My wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t speaking to me.