Old Mac­Don­ald had a dol­phin. E‑E‑E-E‑E

Why did the Lone Ranger have no luck on Tin­der? No one wants a masked man date.

Know why Noah didn’t let the worms stay in their apple when they got on the Ark? Because every­one had to trav­el in pears.

My friend decid­ed to start a B&B on his rab­bit farm. Now he has a bunch of inn-grown hares.

How do you get the twins’ atten­tion, both at the same time? Shout “Hey, W!”

My friend was a strug­gling artist until he decid­ed to con­cen­trate on sculp­ture. He made over six fig­ures last year.

The best thing about telepa­thy is… I know, right?!

I asked my girl­friend if I was the only one she’s been with. She said yes, all oth­ers were either 9s or 10s.

Ther­a­pist says, “It seems like you have an acute pho­bia of mar­riage. Do you know the symp­toms?” I reply, “Can’t say I do.”

I went to a tat­too artist who used to be a math teacher. He real­ly did a num­ber on me.

I was dri­ving my Sko­da the oth­er day and had to pull over. I noticed the Czech engine light was on.

Peo­ple aren’t born with a pho­to­graph­ic mem­o­ry. It takes time to develop.

Know what you call it when you eat a toast­er pas­try with­out toast­ing it first? Pop-Tartare.

When I get a headache around my kids, I take two Advil and keep away from them just like the bot­tle says.

I was abduct­ed by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my veg­eta­bles. Turns out I was on the mothership.

My wife is leav­ing me because of my gam­bling addic­tion. But I know I can win her back.

You have two wolves inside you. You need to see a spe­cial­ist. The cor­rect num­ber of wolves inside you is zero.

I bought a gecko and named him Tiny. Because he was my newt.

My friend told me he failed the exam in his authen­tic Aus­tralian music course. I asked, “Did­ja redo it?”

How do you make friends as an adult? Ask­ing for a friend.