Why did the Lone Ranger have no luck on Tinder? No one wants a masked man date.
Know why Noah didn’t let the worms stay in their apple when they got on the Ark? Because everyone had to travel in pears.
My friend decided to start a B&B on his rabbit farm. Now he has a bunch of inn-grown hares.
How do you get the twins’ attention, both at the same time? Shout “Hey, W!”
My friend was a struggling artist until he decided to concentrate on sculpture. He made over six figures last year.
The best thing about telepathy is… I know, right?!
I asked my girlfriend if I was the only one she’s been with. She said yes, all others were either 9s or 10s.
Therapist says, “It seems like you have an acute phobia of marriage. Do you know the symptoms?” I reply, “Can’t say I do.”
I went to a tattoo artist who used to be a math teacher. He really did a number on me.
I was driving my Skoda the other day and had to pull over. I noticed the Czech engine light was on.
People aren’t born with a photographic memory. It takes time to develop.
Know what you call it when you eat a toaster pastry without toasting it first? Pop-Tartare.
When I get a headache around my kids, I take two Advil and keep away from them just like the bottle says.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables. Turns out I was on the mothership.
My wife is leaving me because of my gambling addiction. But I know I can win her back.
You have two wolves inside you. You need to see a specialist. The correct number of wolves inside you is zero.
I bought a gecko and named him Tiny. Because he was my newt.
My friend told me he failed the exam in his authentic Australian music course. I asked, “Didja redo it?”
How do you make friends as an adult? Asking for a friend.
How to make a party more interesting: Approach a stranger and say “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here.”