My wife and I let astrology come between us. It Taurus apart.
What does a dog call his territory? IP address.
85% of Americans don’t know how to do basic math. Thank goodness I’m part of the other 25%.
In the windstorm last night I lost 1/4 of my roof. Oof.
How does a mathemagician disappear? He goes “Proof!”
Elton John’s e‑reader was swept up in a tornado. Like a Kindle in the wind.
Know why the pirate didn’t take a shower before walking the plank? Figured he’d just wash up on shore.
I aced all of my courses except for Greek Mythology. That has always been my Achilles’ elbow.
What do bees do when they move to a new hive? They throw a house swarming party.
Lawmakers are considering legislation setting a minimum drinking age for soda. It’s seven up.
Know why the paranoid fencer only used a sabre? He had thrust issues.
Old MacDonald had a dolphin. E‑E‑E-E‑E
Why did the Lone Ranger have no luck on Tinder? No one wants a masked man date.
Know why Noah didn’t let the worms stay in their apple when they got on the Ark? Because everyone had to travel in pears.
My friend decided to start a B&B on his rabbit farm. Now he has a bunch of inn-grown hares.
How do you tet the twins’ attention, both at the same time? Shout “Hey, W!”
My friend was a struggling artist until he decided to concentrate on sculpture. He made over six figures last year.
The best thing about telepathy is… I know, right?!
I asked my girlfriend if I was the only one she’s been with. She said yes, all others were either 9s or 10s.
Therapist says, “It seems like you have an acute phobia of marriage. Do you know the symptoms?” I reply, “Can’t say I do.”