The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a tune. But the Chick Peas can only hummus one.
I crossed a coho salmon with a sockeye salmon. Got a cockeyed salmon.
What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.
Went to an open-air cafe yesterday and it rained. Took me an hour to eat my soup.
Robert de Niro is asked if he has any family in Salt Lake City, and he growls, “Utah kin to me?”
An American, a Frenchman, a Mexican, and a German where all attending a Zoom meeting. The supervisor asked, “Can you all see me OK?” To which they answered, “Yes” “Oui” “Si” “Ja.”
I went to an orthodontist who only charged me $1. That’s why I have buck teeth.
My neighbor came over to borrow some spaghetti and asked what she owed me. I said, “It’ll cost you a pretty penne.”
My stimulus check came on St. Patrick’s Day. That’s what I call the luck of the IRS.
I was interrogating a crab and I asked it, “What’s your name? Where do you live? What’s that on your back?” It said: “Michelle.”
I had a dream where I was being chased by a huge pair of shoes. Catching up to me was no small feet.
What do you call Batman when he’s badly hurt? Bruised Wayne.
I wrote a book on basements… it’s on the Best Cellars list.
My wife has the weirdest abacus tattoo on her back. But I can always count on her.
My doctor has advised me to stop drinking. It’s going to be a massive change for me, I’ve been with that doctor for 15 years.
Did you know: in Iran they are petrified of spiders. But in Iraq, no phobia.
I went into the kitchen this morning and there was a “Get Better Soon” card on the table for me. I called out to my wife asking what it was for because I wasn’t sick. She shouted back from the other room, “It’s an ultimatum.”
Google is so useless. I’ve been searching for lighters — it showed 3,580,642 matches instead.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? The chicken hadn’t evolved yet.
The punchline always comes before the joke. What is the worst part about time travel jokes?