My wife says she’s divorc­ing me because of my obses­sion with tele­vi­sion dra­mas. But will she leave? Find out next week.

Doc­tor said I’m at risk of a heart attack due to high sodi­um intake. I took what he said with a grain of salt.

If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tun­nel, then on to a lit­tle see­saw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that. (h/t Mil­ton Jones)

I’ve just been on a once-in-a-life­­time hol­i­day. I’ll tell you what, nev­er again. (h/t Tim Vine)

When a Jehovah’s Wit­ness dies, does Heav­en turn out the lights and pre­tend nobody’s home?

The Invis­i­ble Man mar­ried an invis­i­ble woman. The kids were noth­ing to look at either.

I said to the gym instruc­tor, “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flex­i­ble are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tues­days.” (h/t Tim Vine)

I’m so old, I remem­ber when the Dead Sea was just sick.

Know what you call a very tall buf­fa­lo? Buffahigh.

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said “Ana­logue?” I said “No, just a watch.” (h/t Tim Vine)

If alco­hol can dam­age your short term mem­o­ry, imag­ine the dam­age alco­hol can do.

I’m enter­ing the worlds tight­est hat com­pe­ti­tion. Just hope I can pull it off. (h/t Tim Vine)

Red sky at night: sailor’s delight. Blue sky at night: day. (h/t Tom Parry)

I hate sit­ting in traf­fic, because I always get run over. (h/t Mil­ton Jones)

I have two boys, 8 and 9. We’re no good at nam­ing things in our house. (h/t Ed Byrne)

My dad always used to say “Out with the old, in with the new.” Love­ly man, ter­ri­ble antiques dealer.

What did the rev­o­lu­tion­ary bread tell the oth­er breads? “We have to rise up, my breadren!”

What do you call a paper air­plane that doesn’t fly? Stationery.

Couldn’t under­stand why my dog was total­ly motion­less… Then I real­ized, it was on paws.

What is made of cheese and found in Scot­land? The Loch Ness Muenster.