One of the Russ­ian acro­bats in our human pyra­mid was deport­ed. Now we don’t have Oleg to stand on.

I caught my son in our green­house play­ing fris­bee with my old Mick Jag­ger album. I told him peo­ple in glass hous­es shouldn’t throw stones.

You know that song the BeeGees wrote about depart­ing from an api­ary? I’m a Bee Leaver…

Today I learned the ori­gin lan­guage for the word “mucus.” It’s Phlegmish.

Find­ing morels requires dili­gence and per­fect tim­ing. There isn’t mush­room for error.

Know what keeps sheep up at night? Know­ing that so many peo­ple are count­ing on them.

What’s the head­less horseman’s favorite cof­fee? De-cappuccino.

“Hey Dad, can you tell me the Japan­ese word for a nin­ja throw­ing star?” “Sure I can.”

I don’t want to read a long book about rock climb­ing. Can you just give me the cliff notes?

I dat­ed a girl. She was from the Bronze age.

My wife and I let astrol­o­gy come between us. It Tau­rus apart.

What does a dog call his ter­ri­to­ry? IP address.

85% of Amer­i­cans don’t know how to do basic math. Thank good­ness I’m part of the oth­er 25%.

In the wind­storm last night I lost 1/4 of my roof. Oof.

How does a math­ema­gi­cian dis­ap­pear? He goes “Proof!”

Elton John’s e‑reader was swept up in a tor­na­do. Like a Kin­dle in the wind.

Know why the pirate didn’t take a show­er before walk­ing the plank? Fig­ured he’d just wash up on shore.

I aced all of my cours­es except for Greek Mythol­o­gy. That has always been my Achilles’ elbow.

What do bees do when they move to a new hive? They throw a house swarm­ing party.

Law­mak­ers are con­sid­er­ing leg­is­la­tion set­ting a min­i­mum drink­ing age for soda. It’s sev­en up.