My wife and I let astrol­o­gy come between us. It Tau­rus apart.

What does a dog call his ter­ri­to­ry? IP address.

85% of Amer­i­cans don’t know how to do basic math. Thank good­ness I’m part of the oth­er 25%.

In the wind­storm last night I lost 1/4 of my roof. Oof.

How does a math­ema­gi­cian dis­ap­pear? He goes “Proof!”

Elton John’s e‑reader was swept up in a tor­na­do. Like a Kin­dle in the wind.

Know why the pirate didn’t take a show­er before walk­ing the plank? Fig­ured he’d just wash up on shore.

I aced all of my cours­es except for Greek Mythol­o­gy. That has always been my Achilles’ elbow.

What do bees do when they move to a new hive? They throw a house swarm­ing party.

Law­mak­ers are con­sid­er­ing leg­is­la­tion set­ting a min­i­mum drink­ing age for soda. It’s sev­en up.

Know why the para­noid fencer only used a sabre? He had thrust issues.

Old Mac­Don­ald had a dol­phin. E‑E‑E-E‑E

Why did the Lone Ranger have no luck on Tin­der? No one wants a masked man date.

Know why Noah didn’t let the worms stay in their apple when they got on the Ark? Because every­one had to trav­el in pears.

My friend decid­ed to start a B&B on his rab­bit farm. Now he has a bunch of inn-grown hares.

How do you tet the twins’ atten­tion, both at the same time? Shout “Hey, W!”

My friend was a strug­gling artist until he decid­ed to con­cen­trate on sculp­ture. He made over six fig­ures last year.

The best thing about telepa­thy is… I know, right?!

I asked my girl­friend if I was the only one she’s been with. She said yes, all oth­ers were either 9s or 10s.

Ther­a­pist says, “It seems like you have an acute pho­bia of mar­riage. Do you know the symp­toms?” I reply, “Can’t say I do.”