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I told my ther­a­pist that no one under­stands me. She said, “What do you mean by that?” more / comment…
Aquar­i­um own­ers nev­er snitch. They’re good at keep­ing sea crits. more / comment…
Know what you win if you don’t move a sin­gle mus­cle all week? A tro­phy. more / comment…
How do two French guys share files elec­tron­i­cal­ly? Pierre to Pierre net­work. more / comment…
What do you call a cal­cu­la­tor that works instant­ly? Cal­cunow. more / comment…
I asked the librar­i­an if they had any books about para­noia. She whis­pered, “They’re right behind you…” more / comment…
My dog start­ed gnaw­ing on some­thing and imme­di­ate­ly had a sneez­ing fit. That’s the last time I buy him achoo toy. more / comment…
I mar­ried my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she’s been giv­ing me late­ly. more / comment…
I have start­ed car­ry­ing a stone with me to throw at peo­ple who sing Christ­mas songs before Thanks­giv­ing. It’s my jin­gle bell rock. more / comment…
Jus­tine was 4 months preg­nant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up 6 months lat­er. First thing, she asked the doc­tor about her baby. Doc­tor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They’re both fine. And, your broth­er named them for you. Jus­tine: No, no, no, not my broth­er! He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doc­tor: Denise. Jus­tine: Ohh, that’s actu­al­ly not bad. What about the boy? Doc­tor: [sighs deeply] Denephew. more / comment…
Want to hear a joke about sodi­um, bromine, and oxy­gen? NaBrO. more / comment…
Small­er babies get deliv­ered by the stork. Big­ger babies need a crane. more / comment…