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Know what you call some­one who can’t stop watch­ing films with a strong female lead? Hero­ine addict. more / comment…
What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer? Father-in-law. more / comment…
I didn’t mean to take so much of my anx­i­ety med­ica­tion. It was Xanax-ident. more / comment…
What do you call bears with no teeth? (Gum­my bears.) What do you call bears with no ears? (B.) more / comment…
I work as a tat­too artist in a well­ness cen­ter mak­ing very spe­cif­ic designs, and every­one is real­ly sur­prised when I tell them that I’m also a doc­tor. Nobody expects the spa niche ink physi­cian. more / comment…
I’ve always want­ed to tap my neigh­bors’ maple tree, but he wouldn’t give me per­mis­sion. Think I could do it syrup­ti­tious­ly? more / comment…
I met my wife at a trav­el agency. She was look­ing for a vaca­tion and I was her last resort. more / comment…
I refuse to do drugs hard­er than cocaine. Got to draw the line some­where. more / comment…
I hope Elon Musk nev­er gets into a scan­dal… Elon-gate would be real­ly drawn out. more / comment…
Know what you call a komo­do drag­on who runs a casi­no? The lizard of odds. more / comment…
I got the words “Jacuzzi” and “Yakuza” con­fused. Now I’m in hot water with the Japan­ese mafia. more / comment…
I jok­ing­ly told the X‑ray tech­ni­cian that I don’t believe in X‑rays. But she saw right through me. more / comment…