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I told my therapist that no one understands me. She said, “What do you mean by that?” more / comment…
Aquarium owners never snitch. They’re good at keeping sea crits. more / comment…
Know what you win if you don’t move a single muscle all week? A trophy. more / comment…
How do two French guys share files electronically? Pierre to Pierre network. more / comment…
What do you call a calculator that works instantly? Calcunow. more / comment…
I asked the librarian if they had any books about paranoia. She whispered, “They’re right behind you…” more / comment…
My dog started gnawing on something and immediately had a sneezing fit. That’s the last time I buy him achoo toy. more / comment…
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she’s been giving me lately. more / comment…
I have started carrying a stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving. It’s my jingle bell rock. more / comment…
Justine was 4 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up 6 months later. First thing, she asked the doctor about her baby. Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They’re both fine. And, your brother named them for you. Justine: No, no, no, not my brother! He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise. Justine: Ohh, that’s actually not bad. What about the boy? Doctor: [sighs deeply] Denephew. more / comment…
Want to hear a joke about sodium, bromine, and oxygen? NaBrO. more / comment…
Smaller babies get delivered by the stork. Bigger babies need a crane. more / comment…